Hi there, Boys and Girls! Are you waiting to go into the nice dentist and have him hurt you? You're very scared right now, aren't you? Well, look over at your Mommy or Daddy! They're probably smiling at you and saying, "Don't be afraid, sweetheart."... well, don't be fooled! They get scared sh*tless themselves! Don't believe me? Tell THEM to go FIRST! That'll settle their hash!... while you're waiting, let's play a funny little game! Look at these photos and match the caption that goes with each one... what does "caption" mean? It's a story-ette! Does that help? Here ya go...
a) Three nice ladies have just broken out of Women's Prison after machine-gunning four guards and the warden. They raided a drag-bar and stole three pretty luncheon outfits from the star, Boom-Boom Big-Barbara Bailey, and decided to have root beer floats before they shoplift some mascara and lipsticks from the notions counter... and rob a bank.
b) Miss Friskie, happens to be a kitty from another planet... but then 93% of all the kitties on Earth are aliens. That's why they act the way they do... and kitties that are actually from the Earth are considered stupid, lazy, drooly, and desperate for attention by their alien brothers and sisters. They're called "dogs"...
c) Mr. Wilbur Henderschott of Plumpton Falls, Ohio has just gotten home from the barber shop and seen what Happy Frank did to his hair! "Oh no!" he thinks. "All the people in the company cafeteria will make fun of me because I look like Alfalfa!"... sadly, Wilbur has a complete schizophrenic breakdown and is taken away to the Akron Institute of Electro-Convulsive Therapy & Wellness... you know the one?... with all the rooms with rubber-padding?
d) Sam just got home from the office. He'd been called into the special room where a friendly lady gave him a pink slip and said that he should get a cardboard box from the mailroom to pack his things. He parked his car in the garage and remembered that he'd left the ladder out to fix some shingles on the roof this weekend. Now he can do something else up there.
e) A man came over to visit a Mommy during the day while the Daddy was away on a business trip. The man and the Mommy told the children to go out and play for an hour and gave the children an egg timer from the kitchen so that they would know NOT to come home till the little bell rang. Everything was very nice until the Daddy remembered that he didn't kiss Mommy "good-bye". He turned his car around and came back to the house. Later, the hat was the first thing the police saw when they stepped over the bodies.
f) Two ladies watching a scary monster movie didn't notice that their man-friend has swallowed his tie and is choking. Sadly, the Heimlich Maneuver hasn't been invented yet. And the Mormon Church will be very angry that they didn't save their "blesséd lord and master".
g) Do you remember what you did last year? Last month?... or even yesterday? That's why people keep a diary! That's a book where boys and girls can write down fun and funny things they do every day, sometimes with crayon pictures of friends doing naughty things or just cartwheels... but with no clothes on. And don't forget to always put the date down with each memory... and even the time and place, in case the police ask later.
h) Do you like to play cards? Sure, who doesn't? But sometimes Grandma might teach you a new game like Cribbage, or Canasta, or Rummy, or Strip poker, and then change the rules right in front of you. I hate when that happens, don't you? That's when some children push Grandma off the stepstool while she's getting down the cookie jar... the one with the fig newtons and the "silly-cigarettes".
i) Do you know a friend who likes to be a boy one day and a girl the next? Sure, who doesn't? And maybe YOU like to be a girl and a boy, sometimes at the same time and with a name that works for both... even in a cemetery.
j) Have you ever done a puppet show in your backyard! Lots of children do, and they write their own stories and make all the props, scenery, costumes, and puppets too. Some plays are about a tea party, or pirates, or a tea party with some pirates who act like ladies, or a janitor with an ax. Sometimes the puppets have parts that break off... or catch fire... during the tea party late at night. What sounds like fun to you?
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