…concerning Facebook FRIEND REQUESTS (part 3)… to “Sí!”… or not to “Sí!”…

Hey Folks!! Do you get swamped with "friend requests"?.... I do. As much as a dozen or so every day!... and I love the idea of interesting people from unusual places!... but I have started checking them carefully before I just click them on through. Because sometimes instead of “interesting”, they’re just weird… and not even people. And sometimes they’re indeed from “unusual places”… but perhaps not in our solar system! Here’s a few that I got this past week:

 1) Imam Tanko Dno: A spiritual mentor who offered to help me “find myself”… or at least “my deeper recesses of loving kindness”… both in front and in back. I had to read his request three times over my Grande Venti Caramel Mint ‘n’ Mucho Mocha Latte at Starbucks ($49.95), before I realized what he was suggesting. The nice older ladies at the next table forgave me for the latte-geyser my nose became… all over them! TWICE!

 2) አፍንጫው  ልክ እንደ አህያ   ጭስ ነው: A traveling salesman who’s “territory” includes parts of the Eastern hemisphere… but “only peninsulas”… Yeah. That’s what I thought too. He specializes in exotic undergarments for ladies with “open-air options”… Yeah. That’s what I thought too. I politely explained that I dispose of my undergarments when they become too “open-air”… he asked me if he could have them. “Especially if they are Plus-Size!”

 3) G'oz Kabi Goz: A seemingly lovely and very bright college graduate finishing up her third doctorate at the University of Uzbekistan in Archaeological Research of Aboriginal Coprolites. Her other two degrees are in Anthropological Influences of Rocks and Soils When Thrown (from the Coshocton College for Career-minded Co-eds) and in Philosophical Dialogues Between Great Minds and Their Pets (from the Akron Academy of Advanced Chat) I decided to pass, although I admired her drive.

  4) विशेष  फल  सलाद: This person intrigued me if only because his Facebook page was covered with photographs of  fine jewelry, mostly from auctions of Edwardian through Art Deco collections at Sotheby’s. He mentioned that “for special friends”, he could perhaps connect me with “the right people”. Well! I hate to admit that I’m always interested in fine jewelry, of any age, and even acquired under suspicious circumstances… but not PLASTIC jewelry from “Barbie & Skipper’s Big Girl Box”. JEEESH! At least tempt me with rhinestones…from the Avon M’Lady Collection.

 5) Ноён Xатагтай: Animal lover who has opened a chain of petting zoos for rescue animals from exotic places that might have fallen victim to canned-hunt safaris for republican political figures. I was SOLD! What a wonderful person, and what a worthy cause to devote his four different Facebook pages to… under various spellings of his name. It turned out that many of his pseudonyms were anagrams for words like “bad touches”, “poke me in my lady-place”, and “grandma is tasty”. And he was in the headlines later that week for having petting zoos filled with elderly people dressed as farm animals… neither rescues, nor exotic.

 6) Volim “Blackie” Kolačiće: Single, successful, and sexually “ambidextrous”, as he made a big point of pointing out!... but only after we had exchanged some lovely chat about dessert recipes from our respective ethnic backgrounds. I was about to “accept” his request, when I noticed that we had no “mutual friends”… in fact, he had no friends on Facebook whatsoever. But had broken the FB record for attempts at “poking” and for playing Angry Birds… or Complaining Llamas… whatever.

 7) 我聞到了  牛肉乾: From her profile photo, she looked like Nancy Kwan… or even Michelle Yeoh! So ridiculously beautiful, that at first I was too envious to allow someone like that into my Facebook circle and have all of you ask me daily “Gee, Sybil, how did YOU get such a gorgeous girl-friend?”. Blah! Blah! Blah!... and then I was delivered by Fate, or Mark Zuckerberg, or the CIA. It turns out that both Michelle Yeoh AND Nancy Kwan had taken orders of protection out against this young woman…or man as it turned out. A former sumo wrestler who had just gotten the “gastric sleeve” installed so that he could fit into the “petites” line at Vera Wang’s Bridal Separates-on-Sale at Home Depot.

 8) Miellyttävä Gelatiini Vaahtokarkkeilla: Frankly, I never quite determined whether this person was a man or a woman, and apparently neither could Facebook, though they tried rather aggressively according to the authorities later. There was no particular reason to have refused he/she except that “they” insisted on calling the phone number somehow listed on FB info pages… I was stunned! And inundated by indeterminate voices, accents, languages, and sound effects like squeaking hinges, disharmonious doorbells, and mooing. I don’t mind obscene phone calls, specially late at night… but I do draw the line at mooing.

 9) Skvělé Záliby: A newt, from its profile photo and personal info listed on the page. I have nothing against newts, nor indeed any amphibians, though I hesitate to have them wander about my home especially during dinner parties, holiday celebrations, and funeral banquets when guests might be startled at their slimy touch, or, God forbid, be tempted to EAT them! I refused to accept Mr. Záliby simply because he too closely resembled the Gecko from GEICO, and I was afraid I would be accused of star-trolling… or a term fairly close to that.

 10) راتاباجا المشمش على الخس: A stand-up drag-comedian supposedly from Elmira, New York, who claimed to have sold jeans as a ”sweet young thing” for Gloria Vanderbilt… or was it Murjani?... or maybe for OshKosh B’gosh?... whatever. He’d climbed the career-ladder to semi-stardom. It was when he continued to drop Ru Paul’s name repeatedly and how he could give me an audition on Drag Race. Or, failing that, that he could get me mom-jeans from Anderson Cooper that I had to draw the line. Really! Hand-me-down jeans from the son of a billionairess who dabbled in fashion as a hobby! And in a “Plus Size”… as a consolation prize for NOT getting “an audition” on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Clearly, my career is over!... But my Facebook page is still my OWN!

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