Sybil Bruncheon's "Strange But True Springtime Stories for Shut-Ins!"...

BREAKING NEWS! THE ARRIVAL OF SPRING: The long anticipated arrival of the Vernal Equinox and warmer weather is being celebrated with added fervor this year, and some mishaps!... In Blaineville, New Hampshire (est. 1714, pop. 2106) Mrs. Enid Bromf who had disappeared during a leaf raking/marshmallow and weenie roast back in October suddenly reappeared yesterday at the Sunoco station on Clitter Avenue begging for assistance. Sadly, her pleas weren't comprehended as she lumbered up to a van of shrieking Girl Scouts who had been making their Thin Mints rounds. Their den mother, Mrs. Hillary Hapgarten claimed that all she could hear was "a sort of growl-gurgling version of either Row, Row, Row Your Boat, or Ave Maria as the hideous creature approached".... Mrs. Hapgarten threw her Rambler station wagon into forward and drove over Mrs. Bromf as she sped off towards Johnson's Soda Fountain & Firearms Emporium. Fortunately, the thick wads of leaves and muck which clogged poor Mrs. Bromf's mouth also padded her thoroughly from the Rambler's snow tires. As the wheels passed over her she bounced right back up again, and managed to explain to Clem "Pumpy" Berger, the gas station attendant, what had happened, and where she had been for over 5 months! Seems she slipped down the stone steps by Meyer's Landing and became a big tangle of compost and corduroy till the Spring thaw let her loose! After a seven hour bath, Mrs. Bromf promptly ordered 87 boxes of Thin Mints and 14 boxes of Do-Si-Dos! I'm sure we all want to welcome her home, and send a big thank you to Mother Nature for her perfect timing.

(postscript: Sadly, the onus of having lived in a leaf pile for an entire Winter was so humiliating that Enid was forced to relocate to Boca Raton and adopt a new life and identity. She joined a gym, lost 37 lbs. and became a showgirl named Verna Equinox at the Boca Boom-Boom Burlesquery! She made a fortune, although she remained inordinately frightened of leaf blowers...)

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