Sybil Bruncheon's Collection of the World's Most Concerning Children's Books...

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It has come to my attention that there are a number of books for young persons that may not be at all suitable at the beach during vacation time… or indeed at any other time… at any location! They are the following… proceed at your own risk;

1) Sweetle-kins, the dancing llama, had never trampled a child before, not even naughty ones when they pulled his tail, or said the bad words in his ear. So why did Mrs. Lemon call the policemen with the rifles?.... ("The Happy Valley Stories" by Mike Gund - 1947)

2) Mr. Gabbins was the farmer who raised the special lettuce that my Daddy liked so much but wouldn't tell Mommy he was taking to the card game he played every Wednesday night with other Daddies. He said if I could keep a secret he'd give me a new baseball bat and glove... but I said I'd rather have a new pink hair dryer to open my kindergarten beauty salon. I hope other boys come! ("Sometimes Secrets Are Funny" by Biff Hyde-Heinie -1967)

3) The giant Clumpp was looking for a child, preferably a fat one that would make a delicious stew, but a healthy stew with green beans for vitamin C and potassium, cabbage for folic acid and calcium, carrots for vitamins A and K, and corn for all the nice B vitamins. He wasn't going to put leeks, shallots, or onions in because they made him make bad smells from both ends! ("Fairy Tales That Help Us Stay Healthy" by Dr. Morizmo Steinholtz – 1931)

4) Did you wash your hands today?
Did you wash your hands right after play?
When you touch yourself or your best friend Ray!
Did you wash your hands today?
("I Like My Body" by Hortense Thucker R.N. - 1960)

5) Once Upon A Time there was a beautiful princess who lived in a very big city... not in a castle, because she had met some bad people and had fallen on hard times. Now she worked in a nail salon and was saving up money to put some of her teeth back in... and to repair her septum... ("A Child's Wonderbook For Modern and Savvy Young People" by Chief Detective Gary Cruller of the 6th Precinct in Manhattan - 1984)

6) Have you tried yodeling? Go out in your back yard, preferably when it's dark out, when your Mommy and Daddy are asleep. Did you know that when it's dark in America, it's probably already morning for our little friends in Switzerland! Go out in your backyard and yodel as loud as you can! LOUDER! Nope! REALLY LOUD!! A nice little boy or girl in Switzerland might hear you yodel and think, "I have a nice new friend in America!". If it's too hot out, take off all your clothes. ("Let's Be Friends With the Whole Wide World!" by Hector Fecter - 1965)

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