Sybil Bruncheon's Collection of the World's Most Concerning Children's Books...

It has come to my attention that there are a number of books for young persons that may not be at all suitable at the beach during vacation time… or indeed at any other time… at any location! They are the following… proceed at your own risk;

1) Sweetle-kins, the dancing llama, had never trampled a child before, not even naughty ones when they pulled his tail, or said the bad words in his ear. So why did Mrs. Lemon call the policemen with the rifles?.... ("The Happy Valley Stories" by Mike Gund - 1947)

2) Mr. Gabbins was the farmer who raised the special lettuce that my Daddy liked so much but wouldn't tell Mommy he was taking to the card game he played every Wednesday night with other Daddies. He said if I could keep a secret he'd give me a new baseball bat and glove... but I said I'd rather have a new pink hair dryer to open my kindergarten beauty salon. I hope other boys come! ("Sometimes Secrets Are Funny" by Biff Hyde-Heinie -1967)

3) The giant Clumpp was looking for a child, preferably a fat one that would make a delicious stew, but a healthy stew with green beans for vitamin C and potassium, cabbage for folic acid and calcium, carrots for vitamins A and K, and corn for all the nice B vitamins. He wasn't going to put leeks, shallots, or onions in because they made him make bad smells from both ends! ("Fairy Tales That Help Us Stay Healthy" by Dr. Morizmo Steinholtz – 1931)

4) Did you wash your hands today?
Did you wash your hands right after play?
When you touch yourself or your best friend Ray!
Did you wash your hands today?
("I Like My Body" by Hortense Thucker R.N. - 1960)

5) Once Upon A Time there was a beautiful princess who lived in a very big city... not in a castle, because she had met some bad people and had fallen on hard times. Now she worked in a nail salon and was saving up money to put some of her teeth back in... and to repair her septum... ("A Child's Wonderbook For Modern and Savvy Young People" by Chief Detective Gary Cruller of the 6th Precinct in Manhattan - 1984)

6) Have you tried yodeling? Go out in your back yard, preferably when it's dark out, when your Mommy and Daddy are asleep. Did you know that when it's dark in America, it's probably already morning for our little friends in Switzerland! Go out in your backyard and yodel as loud as you can! LOUDER! Nope! REALLY LOUD!! A nice little boy or girl in Switzerland might hear you yodel and think, "I have a nice new friend in America!". If it's too hot out, take off all your clothes. ("Let's Be Friends With the Whole Wide World!" by Hector Fecter - 1965)

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Sybil's "TALES & TAILS!"... Tinky...

.....Tinky had always been fond of his humans, (well, as fond as cats ever are about the staff that maintains the house and provides food on command!) but then came the weekend when one of their relatives brought the guitar-thing. Tinky was shocked at all the shouted stories about kaftans, and love beads, and sandals, and folk music, or whatever that barking was that each of them did as they cradled the guitar-thing in its hands. They took out funny sticks made of weeds or stuff they they found on the lawn and set them on fire and put them in their mouths! "That's a stupid snack!" Tinky thought! "Why not find a mouse, or kill a sparrow? You're big fat idiots!" ...and the house started smelling like the burning leaf piles in the Fall, and the humans began eating lots of stuff and drinking water.

Then the humans got louder, and some even had water come out of their eyes while they showed their teeth in what had been described to him by neighbor-cats as a "smile". Some of the humans then made the yarns on the front of the funny-hole make noises which sounded like meowing....or growling. Tinky rather liked that, and he sort of danced around his living room while the humans made their laughing/barking sounds and pointed at him. Like most cats, Tinky was quite pleased that he had an audience, but of course, he would have danced around whether they watched or not. "Cats are uninterested in admiration from fools!!!", he huffed to himself, and did a clever little side-step followed by a caprice!...

Then the evening took a terrible turn! One of the humans who was plucking the yarns very loudly began to yowl! THAT'S RIGHT! YOU HEARD CORRECTLY!!! YOWL!!!...and then all the other humans joined in and YOWLED at the top of their lungs!! "Dear God!" Tinky thought. "They all sound like cats burning to death!! ...and doing it at the SAME TIME!" They swayed and clapped their hairless paws and began dancing around in his space!! ....and as Tinky scampered off to hide under his sofa while they hoo-hawed, and clod-pranced, and yee-yayed, and paw-clapped, and boo-hooed, and acted like dogs, Tinky remembered stories about humans who had been dressed in love beads and kaftans and sandals who had come into a house and KILLED other people!...It was a long time ago, but kitties liked to tell each other stories of bad stuff sometimes ...and snicker. Dogs always told each other stories about chasing round things and licking human faces and eating off the floor and rolling in dirt... then cats would saunter by and tell them they were idiots. Even big dogs would usually shut the Hell up...or even run off. Cowards and louts!

But kitties would tell darker stories with strange punchlines or morals at the end...and everyone would nod their heads and blink slowly. Big glowing eyes by candle light. And Tinky sat watching and thinking about the human family that had been very bad to other humans. He watched the yowl-dancing-banging-crashing-laughing-barking-drinking-stupids. Why can't the bad-family come here and do bad things in here? ....and make it quiet...and leave out some nice food for me? He blinked slowly ....and licked one of his handsome paws...with the razors hidden....for now.....

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