Sybil Bruncheon's "Our Thanksgiving Heritage"... A PRAYER FROM REVEREND SIMPLICITY CARFEATHERS (1620)…

Oh, Merciful Lamb, please let us, on this first Thanksgiving, be grateful for our yam and twig casserole...especially since Thou hath granted us a festive little garnish of pine needles which we will apportion to each and every one of Thine worshipful diners in a portion not greater than one and one half needle-ettes per soul. Also, remindeth us to be glad of heart at the sight of the turnip, radish, and skittle-beetle soufflé which our Indian brethren have prepared with loving and unwashéd hands and left at the back-flap of our tent sometime in the last three days.... And in a hollowed out birch-bark serving dish which we have been told we may keep as a "house-warming" present! We did indeed warm our home by burning it in a hole in the middle of the room. And thank You blesséd Soul of Peace for helping us to extinguish the flames which spreadeth to the canvas by smiting it with sticks as if it were the accurséd hind-quarters of Satan himself (which it very well may have been since Goody Dalrymple says that she smelled infernal farting and saw in the rising smoke the face of a goat with three horns that recited French limericks!). Anyway...we put out the fire, and now have a nice view of the stars at night!

Finally, oh Patient Saviour, we thank Thee for the sight at least of a plump turkey which we would have prepared for our holiday repast had it not pecked out the left eye of Reverend Punctuality Throckmorton during his interminable sermon on "Edibles And Their Free-Will To Embrace Low-Calorie Salvation...OR NOT!"...it was during the declamation and response section of his endless exhortation to "dessert sinlessly" that the turkey lunged at the blesséd Reverend and un-eyed him as it scaped our lean-to prayer-hut! The entire congregation tried to bolster the Pastor's challenged morale by gathering feathers, oak leaves, river mud, and hair-combings to fashion a graven image of a turkey for him to kick and dismember to purge his righteous anger!!

Oh, Serene Guide of our Spirits!... The Reverend in his humble radiance, forgave the facsimile for its transgression against his extremely modest face, and said that one eye still allowed him to see the wonders of our new home here in the new world and would keep him from stubbing his bunion on that damnable tree-stump near the entryway to our settlement as he has done thrice-times this very week when arising in the middle of the night to make his water away from prying eyes and pointing fingers. The mud-and-rubbish turkey now sits in pride-of-place on said tree-stump as a decoration for our feast!! ...and much thanks hath been yowled up to the Heavens along with songs and gourd rattling! We all plan to take our once-yearly bath after the cranberry-cricket flan.... Halleluiah!!!! Halleluiah!!!! OHHHH...HALLELUUUU-IAH!!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s OUR THANKSGIVING HERITAGE: Joyous, yes... but not TOO joyous!

Yes, Friends, it's time for another deeply moving tale from Thanksgivings past... Here we have Reverend Eloysius Wholesomeness Cruller, pastor of The Fairley-Famished Lamb of Blessedness congregation in Sadley Corners. Known for his fiery sermons that had a strangely calming effect on his parishioners (especially the ones with insomnia, anxiety disorders, or ...um, "demon fidgets"), he was nevertheless given to "visions" and dire predictions concerning oblong vegetables shaped like royal persons, and geese speaking Flemish. Although he was considered eccentric, many locals felt that he had some sort of gift and would heed his advice on sore throat cures, bunions, involuntary mooing, and frizzy hair.

Unmarried until he was in his late forties, he finally met Goody Tolerance Mayhew from a neighboring hamlet, and they were wed in a lovely though somber ceremony overseen by Reverend Punctuality McPhee. The happy celebrants feasted on spoonfuls of dried corn, yarrow roots, day-old goat's milk, and currants (or were they fettle beetles?)... oh, what a thankful occasion it was for everyone present, and earnest prayers, hearty exhortations, and ...yes, tuneful hymns (with actual tunes in them!) were offered up to the leaky rafters. And then Reverend and Goody Cruller withdrew to begin their meditative honeymoon .......after taking their once-a-year bath.

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