A New George Sweet Doorway Mystery: "WINGS"...

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The Institut des Technologie de la Beauté et Autres Caprices Féminins had been closed and boarded up for several years… possibly decades, since no one in the neighborhood could remember it during its heyday when the heavily carved door swung wide, its little gold bell tinkling merrily for hundreds of visitors every day. Women from all walks of life (and some men too!) were devoted to the wonders that could be found and enjoyed within its magical walls; floor after floor, passageways leading to ante-rooms, personal salons and examining offices, therapy cabinets and cure-chambers, closets and “storagettes” readied and fully equipped to “make miracles”… that was the exact term that its clientele whispered to each other and special friends who were lucky enough to be invited, for it was a “special place”… not for the crude, the brazen, the loutish, the pretentious, and the “common”. 

Oh, make no mistake, the staff of the maison did not bar financially struggling and challenged clients. There was no class-resentment… only “classless resentment” as they liked to say. All clients from rich to poor had to exhibit warmth, kindness, and a desire to learn graciousness if it did not already exist in abundance. The fee-structure was based on a sliding-scale carefully investigated and monitored for accuracy and fairness. Wealthy patrons couldn’t pretend to be poor to get in, and if there was any subterfuge detected, (which it inevitably WOULD be!) that person was not only barred for life, but their family was as well… and their humiliation would be leaked to the gossip-press to increase the shame, complete with photographs in the rotogravure. Oh, the delight the staff would take when someone was caught. Pointing, laughter, and perhaps a sympathetically given “parting gift” of a charming lipstick or mascara secretly loaded with itch-powder or swell-jelly! Oh, the merriment!... especially if the photographers with their huge box-cameras were waiting in the street after being tipped off to capture the full effect of the Institut’s talents gone-horribly-wrong!... flash powders going off with muffled booms and additional laughter and screeching from delighted children in the street… perhaps accompanied by thrown vegetables or poops from the horse carriages.

As raucous as all of this was outside the edifice, the inside was a very different story. The farther one passed into the Institut, the more magical were its wonders. Not only the lotions, salves, tinctures, and tonics but the techniques and regimens had been researched from the most exotic corners of the world and gathered sometimes from quite ancient sources in long extinct cultures. Each client was serviced for what their individual needs and challenges were… not just to “look younger”. That was an easy goal to achieve and considered banal. No, the people lucky enough to find out about the Institut (and to be admitted!) were seeking much more, much deeper and all-consuming. Indeed, some clients never looked younger per se, even after months or years of patronage. But! They experienced the true magic of the place and its staff; the acquisition of… radiance. True radiance. A light coming from inside, regardless of their own physical and fleeting appearance. 

The staff admitted that they themselves were only partly responsible for the successes; the clients were screened and chosen carefully for their own innate aptitude, whether born through luck or bred by loving parents. Each client had to already have a propensity, and a curiosity, a willingness to BE a bearer of light. All the exercises and potions were only a channel to release and enhance that beauty; the truest beauty that any culture, whether sophisticated or simple, has ever really possessed and taught its generations of children, century after century, millennia after millennia. Entire empires have risen and fallen, but that one virtue has survived the worst calamities; the expression of light and love that transcends race, age, religion, class, and time. 

What a strange thing it was to see this once-lush and even mysterious building fallen into disrepair and sadness. Its fanciful architecture which had been designed and executed with so much whimsy and obvious care now appeared almost grim, perhaps even forbidding, resentful, sour. The grimy windows, miraculously still unbroken, staring down like deadened eyes on passersby in the street who dared not look up into them. It was said that to break the windows or even to attempt to look inside would bring a curse, not only of bad luck, but worse; a despair, quiet and gradual, almost imperceptible, until it was too late, too late to resist its awful seduction, down, down into the grey. 

It was in this time that vast financial upheavals in the great cities caused urban space to be sought with greater and greater fervor. There was no room for wasted buildings, no matter what the circumstances. No matter that they were beautiful, or historic, or sweet, or even cursed, they all had to make way for the new, the bigger, the “better”, and the more profitable. Block by block, street by street, city by city, nations began to chew themselves, swallowing their histories and heritages in their relentless and insatiable appetites. Trees, gardens, flower beds, fountains, cottages, townhouses, brick, bronze, marble, stained glass, turrets, towers, everything was fodder for the beast… a beast literally eating itself, and defecating the uneatable… for now. For as things were lost and rebuilt, lost and rebuilt, the ugly and the mediocre became the norm for each generation whose expectations were lower. After all, everything should be disposable, and that message became the anthems and mottoes, the lessons and the commandments.

It was also in this time that a lady of great importance took an unlikely interest in the old building as she passed by it with her assistant. She was the wife of a powerful man, and was known to adopt odd and often eccentric hobbies fueled by whimsical notions which entertained her friends at garden parties and galas. Her husband, bored but busy with… whatever, indulged her fancies with his money and connections, and nodded smilingly when she would come to him with a new request or a happy announcement of a “success”. She took a child-like pride in her achievements often small but sincerely attempted, and her happy heart didn’t seem to mind his bland responses. She was younger than him, not by much, but much younger in her soul. She made inquiries as to the history and ownership of the building, and her husband’s staff did the footwork, technical and official to determine if it was available. The building had literally passed into a strange, almost freakish limbo of bureaucratic oversights and lost paperwork… no families appeared to own it. No estates or corporations, no trusts or consortiums… even the official zoning documents, deeds, and maps of the block were missing… or had never existed. 

And so, through the machinations of the powerful and the political, the building and its contents (if there were any) were acquired by the lady. As a birthday present, coincidentally. The papers, mostly in the society columns, made passing references to the event, and the ribbon cutting even to get inside for the first time was thoroughly rained out; the bright red satin ribbon stretched across the grand but derelict doorway, hanging bedraggled and now a sullen maroon before it finally pulled away from the peg on the left and fell onto the muddy pavement. No one cared… well, of the seven or eight people who had shown up, huddled under wind-yanked umbrellas while the great lady chuckled sweetly and tried to thank them for showing up. The carved door seemed almost angry as she approached and turned the heavy brass and strangely twinkly key in the lock. But the lock did indeed release with a happy and almost hearty clink as if it had never been idled by decades of non-use. (Had someone recently oiled it?) Then, with the help of a couple of the gentlemen present, the lady and her guests managed to shove the reluctant door open over a gravel-carpet of gritty dust and rubble that squeaked and protested loudly. “Like fingernails on a chalkboard!” the lady laughed trying to bring some levity to what might end up being a forlorn afternoon, for, as they entered the dank entry chamber, the grey light seemed to be fading quickly in the dusk and drizzle of a gathering twilight. She shivered a little but hid it from everyone except her best girlfriend who had taken her arm in sisterly support. 

The lady’s young assistant brought up the rear, closing the door behind them all and, interestingly, with almost no resistance or grinding now. The great door almost seemed to be eager to latch smoothly, and the earnest assistant chuckled about it and said something although everyone had moved too far off to hear. Their footsteps echoed as they moved farther and farther into the empty hall. Only rubble and dust were here now. No furniture or furnishings. The windows had no curtains or valences, and were so caked with dirt that now what little light was left outside was only a darkened slate casting no shadows on the floor. It was so dark that the assistant worried in her thorough and efficient way that the lady and her guests might trip, so she scurried to the nearest wall searching for some switch that might work, although she again chuckled to herself at the absurdity of the notion that there could be any light in such a lost place… and then her hand wandered over one of the old push-button switches from a lost time, and the entry chamber was suddenly flooded with the warmest, and warming golden light, like a bolt of friendly lightning that filled the farthest corners of the distant ceiling, painted in heavenly adventures of fantastic creatures and fables, gods and nymphs, dryads and dwarfs, billowing clouds and volcanoes, and the great sparkling crystal-laden mountain of a chandelier, larger and more heartbreakingly radiant than any of them had ever seen… even in their dreams. It was then that the voice, very peaceful and equally warm came to them… was it “hello”?... or… ?

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In honor of William Shakespeare, (April 23, 1564 – April 23, 1616)…

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Hello, Friends, (and I use that term loosely)... how many of you have wondered why your school teachers made you study Shakespeare in your early years? Well, now Mummie will help you! Let's start with this seemingly current photo. Please study the photo carefully. Then review the following multiple choices and decide which answer is correct...(and please keep your eyes on your OWN paper):

a) The photo is of KING LEAR's two evil daughters, Regan and Goneril as they decide how best to dispose of their increasingly annoying father and their nice sister Cordelia, so that they can inherit the kingdom and divide its wealth between them.

b) The photo is of two of the three witches in the opening moments of MACBETH. They have just given him their predictions about his future, and are enjoying a smoke in a back-alley of Cawdor Castle while their third "sister" goes for a hair appointment on DuPont circle.

c) The photo is of Queen Tamora from TITUS ANDRONICUS and her lunch pal, Lady Macbeth from MACBETH discussing what to order from the menu at the Palm in Washington DC. Tamora will order the "meat pie"...and Lady Macbeth is excusing herself to the ladies' room to wash her hands for the 15th time...

d) The photo is of Iago from OTHELLO and Claudius from HAMLET doing a drag show for the young republicans club in Poka-Ma-Hola, Idaho. Iago just found a handkerchief that's been used inappropriately and has asked Claudius to smell it to see if he agrees. He does.

e) The photo is of the front and back end of RICHARD III's horse agreeing that the king should change his underpants.

f) The photo is of "two spear carriers" from JULIUS CAESAR just discovering that they had no idea it was a comedy!

g) The photo is of "two handmaidens" in CLEOPATRA saying that they had no idea the queen had put on so much "water-weight", and laughing that she gets "her ass in a basket" at the end of the play.

h) The photo is of two stagehands having a smoke and a beer in an alleyway. They're not sure if they're working on Shakespeare or Neil Simon... whatever. But they HAVE been laughing for over an hour about CORIOLANUS....

i) none of the above

j) all of the above

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... EASTER / The morning-after!… Pleasant Dale, South Carolina...

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Good news! The Pleasant Dale Ladies' Gardening & Home Hobbies Club has been FOUND!!... after their chartered bus didn't return from their Easter Bonnet 'N' Betting trip to the Quinones Casino, an all points bulletin was released by local police and government officials. Families and friends were desperate in the wee hours of this morning, worried that the matrons had been in some sort of a tragedy...a washed out bridge on the Chattamungo, a crash through a railing atop Sneeder's Ravine, a strip poker tournament gone terribly wrong.... but lo-and-behold, their bus rolled into the Greyhound terminal this morning at 7 with all the girls jolly and slightly tipsy from their unlimited mimosa and watercress sandwich outing!.... and they said the male strippers were "FABULOUS!!"..... (although the gals had run out singles… for tips!)

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... from Sybil Bruncheon's "Easter EGGS-traordinaries!"... Holiday Party Planning?

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Hello, Friends! You know, at this very festive time of the year, you can make your Holiday celebration extra-special!...with your very own Celebrity Host or Hostess at your family gathering! Imagine bringing out that baked ham and all the delicious courses and side dishes while a famous person from the glamorous world of entertainment hops around the banquet table making funny faces, telling knock-knock jokes, and poking Aunt Geraldine in her pitoobies!! Well, all that merriment can be yours because there are so many famous people looking for work right now... and they want to make YOUR holiday special! Just let our team of professionals help you with decorations, desserts, dance music, festive and revealing costumes, unusual party games, surprising pranks, a dunk-the-clown booth, and even piñatas! That's right! How about "Easter-South-Of-the-Border"?....or "Easter-In-A-Loony-Bin"??? Call today for your free consultation! Just dial N-U-T-Z-B-A-S-K-E-T.... that's right, dial 688-022-7538. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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The END OF THE WORLD? Are the signs everywhere?... YOU DECIDE!!!

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Predictions of “The Rapture”, ‘The End of Days”, and “The Second Coming” are swirling around the world right now with spiritualists and scientists looking for clues in the stars, in the history books, and even in their tea leaves. Although April 23rd has been mentioned in some circles, there have been several other suggestions as to what we might look for as a true sign of the beginning of Armageddon…

1) Mrs. Greta Hibernette of Wauseon, Ohio claims that her prize-winning goat told her over breakfast that the end of the world would come when Flossie, her Guernsey cow would stop giving milk and would instead produce Long Island Ice Teas from her udders… complete with lemon wedges and little paper umbrellas. Mrs. Hibernette assures the police, the city council, and the local 4H Club that she will keep them posted once her hangover passes.

2) The Ladies Quilting Club of Kalamazoo realized to their horror that a gigantic quilt they had all been struggling over for three months revealed a terrible visual when lifted and viewed in a mirror. Instead of a fanciful Rand McNally map of Michigan with animals, vegetables, fruits, and historical sites of interest, the mirror image showed a leering figure of Satan drooling and presenting his hind-parts “in flagrante delicto”! The Upper Peninsula was particularly offensive!

3) Hector Mystar reports to the local police station in Delmonico, New York, that he had opened a can of Pringles potato crisps. Instead of finding the expected stack of identically curved and stacked chips, he found a jumble of crumbs and bits. When he poured them out on his kitchen table in disgust, they tumbled exactly into the shape of the Shroud of Turin. He was amazed and deeply moved at the spectacle until the face of the blesséd Savior yelled, “Bite My Taters” in Latvian. Mr. Mystar was severely frightened, and he told the police that he didn’t even speak Latvian… nor has he ever heard it before.

4) The Birds Of Paradise pet store in Fullerbeth, Wyoming specializes in parrots, parakeets, cockatoos, and even toucans. One toucan in particular has begun to make overt passes at a cockatoo. Inter-species sexuality, though not unheard of, is frowned on in respectable circles. In addition to the shock of seeing the two birds behaving this way, even in front of children visiting the store, there was the bad news that any offspring from such a union might technically have to be called a “Touca-Too”. The good news turned out to be that the birds were discovered to both be males… although a gigantic “Satan Is Coming” was glued on the front window of the shop in about 40 lbs. of Froot Loops.

5) Bernice Funge of Marquette, Idaho claims that an acorn squash weighing 24 pounds was raised in a Christian Louboutin shoe box without the benefit of sunlight, water, French lessons, or seamless nylons... Ms. Funge says that she will feature the squash at her vegetable stand at the end of her driveway. Under no circumstances will she sell the squash, but she will dress it in attractive and modest ways, and feature it as Queen Esther, the Blesséd Virgin, and Eleanor Roosevelt in various uplifting dioramas titled, “Women Who Saved The World”.

6) 11 year old Bobby McGinty of Zeeville, Arkansas has reported that the guppies in his fish tank have begun swimming in formations repeatedly spelling out the names of US presidents and then the word “Chthulu”… His parents think he said, “Chthulu”, but then he IS missing his two front teeth and may have been asking for chewing gum.

7) A two-headed llama was born at the Pet-Me-Poppa Petting Zoo in Collinsville, Iowa. At three years of age it began to hold a debate with itself over which was better, Feta or Brie? Though being a llama, it spoke with a Greek accent… or possibly Belgian… it also requested Campari and soda in its trough before dinner time… but with limes instead of orange slices.

8) Mrs. Frida Gumm, an 89 year-old stay-at-home chef from Tacoma claimed that she was planning to write a cookbook based totally on recipes for toenails... with recommendations for corresponding wines ……Pillsbury is trying to buy the option!... but The Church of The Unholy Hibachi is still trying to outbid them. The Little Sisters of The Unholy Hibachi also claim that they have intimate photos of Poppin' Fresh without his chef's toque on... and displaying little white horns sprouting from his head!

9) The Jesperson High School band in Franconia, Delaware had been a national prize-winner for several years, and even featured in an unbroken record number of thirteen consecutive times in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Suddenly this past week, as they practiced their tribute to Scott Joplin and Justin Bieber, all their music came out as an unintelligible jumble. No matter how many times they attempted to start again, nothing worked. Mrs. Gertrude Edelin passing the rehearsal hall stopped and listened, and suggested they record it all… and then play it backward. Sure enough, when replayed on their Zenith portable record player, they heard a voice saying, “Paul is dead”, “Yellow submarine”, “I wanna hold your paw”, and “Your mother sucks cucumber in Akron”… Mr. Dotrice, the band teacher, has decided to stick strictly to John Phillip Sousa marches and only on harmonicas.

10) Zeppeldorf’s Kosher Bakery on 2nd Avenue and East 6th Street in Manhattan has been producing hamentaschen for over a hundred years in the traditional flavors of prune, apricot, raspberry, and poppy seed. Inexplicably, their latest batch came out of the ovens with flavors of crab grass/lint, ketchup/shoe lace, wasabi/nail polish, and Silly Putty. Local rabbis are dumbfounded, concerned, and too agitated to safely perform a bris till further notice.

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... from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries”... behind the MacGregor house...

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"Ok, Flopsy, you break into the Clemson's! Take all the silver, and don't forget the hidden compartment in the hutch! They've got some Georgian stuff in there that's worth a fortune! Mopsy, you get the Fearson's and grab the two Picassos and the Warhol!... and you, Fred! Kick in the back door at the MacGregors... empty the vegetable crisper of every goddam carrot and any other roughage you can find! And if MacGregor bursts in on you??... kill him if you have to!... KILL ALL OF THEM!... but whatever you do, don’t forget the bib lettuce!"...

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A New Sybil's "WHO'Z DAT?"... FLORENCE BATES (April 15, 1888 – January 31, 1954)

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Darlings! Mummy has made a decision! After reading dozens of posts and having hundreds of conversations with well-meaning folks who just don't know about the great "character" actors who gave films the depth and genius that surrounded and supported the so-called "stars", I am going to periodically post a regular, special entry called "SYBIL'S WHO'Z DAT?"....there'll be photos and a mini-bio, and the next time you see one of those familiar, fabulous faces that you just "can't quite place", well maybe these posts will help. Some of these actors worked more, had longer and broader careers, and ended up happier, more loved, and even wealthier than the "stars" that the public "worships". (I think there may be a metaphor in that! What do you think???). And here is one of my very favorite actresses of all time. Even in the smallest roles or briefest appearances on screen, she shines, NO!! BLAZES! And many of her fellow actors almost need to shield their eyes when she steals the scene! She started late as careers go, but wasted no time becoming one of Hollywood’s most memorable “grande dames”! She’s Florence Bates (April 15, 1888,- January 31, 1954)

Born Florence Rabe (pronounced “Robbie”) in San Antonio, Texas, the second child of Jewish immigrants, Bates showed musical talent as a child, but a hand injury inhibited her from continuing her piano studies as her mother had hoped. Very bright and getting excellent grades in school, she went on to college and in 1906, graduated from the University of Texas at Austin with a degree in mathematics, after which she began her career in teaching and social work.

In 1909, she met and married her first husband and gave up her career to raise their daughter, Mimi. Always a voracious reader, she became interested in a friend’s library of law books, and read his entire collection. When her marriage eventually ended in divorce, she began, with the encouragement of her lawyer friend, to study law and, in 1914 at the age of 26, passed the bar examination. She holds the distinction of being the first female lawyer in her home state of Texas, where she practiced for four years in San Antonio.

After the death of her parents, Bates left the legal profession to help her sister operate their father's antique business. She traveled extensively around the country and especially to Europe to acquire more stock for the shop, where she became fairly fluent in other languages. Being bilingual completely (English-Spanish) she also became a radio commentator in San Antonio whose program was designed to foster good relations between the United States and Mexico. In 1929, following the stock market crash and the death of her sister, Florence closed the antique shop and married a wealthy oilman, William F. Jacoby. Unfortunately, as the Depression deepened, Jacoby eventually went bankrupt in the oil business, and the couple moved to California in the late 1930's, briefly becoming proprietors of a bakery, which was successful.

At this time, Florence, a heavy-set woman of matronly appearance and well into her middle age, developed an interest in acting and auditioned for the part of Miss Bates in the Pasadena Playhouse production of Jane Austen's “Emma”. This proved to be a momentous career choice. Her popularity became such, that she went on to leading roles with the same company, changing her name from Florence “Rabe” to Florence “Bates” as a nod to her perceived good fortune. In 1939, she was introduced to Alfred Hitchcock, and through a fluke, auditioned for him. Her screen test convinced him to cast her in her first major screen role, the vain dowager Mrs. Van Hopper, in REBECCA (1940). Her excellent performance was the first in a collection of memorable characters: wealthy socialites, henpecking wives, irritable hotel managers, pushy theatre owners, and gossipy landladies, and she would go on to act opposite the greatest and most established stars in Hollywood. Her performance in SARATOGA TRUNK (1945) as the down-to-Earth and lovable Sophie Bellop opposite Ingrid Bergman is iconic!… all the command of a Mrs. Van Hopper, but using all that hauteur to help Bergman’s character through the vagaries of snobbish and destructive Saratoga high-society. Bates appeared in more than 60 films over the course of the next 13 years. Among her cinema credits are KITTY FOYLE, LOVE CRAZY, THE MOON AND SIXPENCE, MR. LUCKY, HEAVEN CAN WAIT, LULLABY OF BROADWAY, MISTER BIG, SINCE YOU WENT AWAY, KISMET, SARATOGA TRUNK, THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY, WINTER MEETING, I REMEMBER MAMA, PORTRAIT OF JENNIE, A LETTER TO THREE WIVES, ON THE TOWN, and LES MISÉRABLES.

Because of her versatility, she appeared in dramas, comedies, and even musicals. And as Hollywood began to focus on the new medium of television in the 1950s, she made guest appearances on “I Love Lucy”, “My Little Margie”, “I Married Joan”, and “Our Miss Brooks”, and had a regular role on “The Hank McCune Show”. Through her career, Bates was known as witty , warm, a wonderful hostess, and for the fact that she never went to any set or studio without her knitting. She had only one daughter, Miriam Rose Rabe Ramer Oppenheimer (1911-1937), but was survived by her granddaughter and great granddaughter. Florence Bates is buried in Forest Lawn Memorial Park, Glendale, Los Angeles with a modest stone marking her grave. But for her many fans around the world, that voice, that face, her commanding carriage, and onscreen presence make her unforgettable, luminescent, iconic.... a Star!!! 

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Tour-ette in the King of Prussia Mall... and look! A CELEBRITY!… 4/10/2019

… along the “bunny trail”!

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Tour-ette in the King of Prussia Mall... and look! A CELEBRITY! 4/10/2019

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Your Gay Credentials"!!... Quiz #631...

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Yes, folks, many people today think they are adequately gay, but let's be honest, in these days of self-indulgent, entitled, babbling millennials who know nearly nothing about their heritage or culture, can anyone really be GAY ENOUGH? In an attempt to correct some of this cultural bankruptcy and general ignorance, we have created a quiz which allows YOU to know exactly!... ARE YOU GAY ENOUGH?

Take a close look at these photos; it's not enough to know they are scenes from THE WOMEN (1939) with its star-studded cast. Your gay credentials will be "in order" if you can correctly match the right scenario to the correct photo.

a) In a strange fantasy sequence, Mary as Marie Antoinette consults a fortune teller/space alien named The Insatiable Vajeen played by Crystal. Mary asks if the négligée she’s considering to buy is “Wash ‘n’ Wear”… Vajeen says they don’t wear négligées on Uranus. (the saleslady giggles when she hears the word “Uranus”)…

b) Sylvia has sprained her wrists in a bizarre MahJong marathon in Boca Raton… she goes to the Fragrance & Pharmaceuticals Dept. at Black’s to buy some Icy-Hot and some Preparation H. Sadly, she confuses them that night. Much laughter ensues.

c) Mary has decided to try a gluten-free diet and wonders if Lady Fingers count.

d) In a “dream sequence”, Mary is confronted by the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet-To-Come. The scene is cut and tried out on George Bailey with even less success…

e) The Countess decides that, after twenty different diet attempts to lose weight, she will now go on the Earl Grey Diet. She has been told to consume highly caffeinated tea from dawn till bedtime. Miriam has fooled her into thinking she’s supposed to EAT the tea, not drink it.

f) Sylvia drops in on Crystal and says, yes!... the new bathroom phone DOES let you listen to farts underwater.
(Correct answers can be found on page 184 in the new issue of Jack & Jill Magazine, right after the What Doesn’t Belong in The Gas Chamber puzzle.)

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