Sybil Bruncheon's Holiday Hollywood Hilarity!

"… and after I did the Christmas pageant and played the third shepherd, and my grandma got run over by a reindeer, and Santa got stuck in the chimbley... well… I ended up here..."

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Sybil Bruncheon's Holiday Hollywood Hilarity!

"Naughty or Nice? NAUGHTY OR NICE?!?....whattya mean I didn't make it to his damn Nice List?!?! You tell Santa to go to HELL!..  GO TO HELL!!"…

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Sybil Bruncheon's Holiday Hollywood Hilarity!

"... you're from the North Pole??... you won't get home till all hours…”

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Sybil Bruncheon's Holiday Hollywood Hilarity!

"So then, I come down the stairs as glamorous Mrs. Santa Claus!..let's make her first name Lillith!... and I discover my husband in the arms of a burly elf, maybe two or THREE of them, and that's when I draw my revolver... or maybe a sweet little derringer from Harry Winston!..the kind that shoots diamond bullets!...Whattya think, Mr. DeMille?.... Mr. DeMille????"...

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From Sybil Bruncheon's "The Other Side of Thanksgiving"...

Nowadays, we all think of Thanksgiving as a cheerful Holiday full of national tradition, family affection, and civic good will, but did you know that 100 years ago, there was a mischievous and occasionally sinister side to the celebration? Well, there was! Here are some Thanksgiving greeting cards with very strange overtones... some even with children! You be the judge...

Card #1; Designed by Elmér Friedkush, a former nursery school principal, this card from 1897, had a disturbing caption printed on the back (in very, very fine print!); "Little Sonya took great pleasure in showing the turkey how ugly he was!... and then she made a poot in the face of her kitty, Mrs. Whiskers! But that was alright for she never wore pantalettes under her dresses! What a naughty little girl she was!"...

Card #2; This card was drawn by the German political cartoonist, Fritzy Kalmuchen in 1901. Known for his extremist views, his pro-Prussian nationalism, and his obsession with Aryan mysticism, he became a devotee of the budding science of Freudian dream study… here he shows a little elf/boy trying to hypnotize a turkey into allowing him to behead it. Notice that the ax is highly decorated and matches the elf/boy’s costume. Fritzy reveals in the caption on the back that the turkey hypnotizes the elf/boy right back… and convinces him to behead himself…

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Another Kase in Kitty-Kourt!”…

The Canasta Counter Caper. High Court Judge, Hiss Honor, Sir Felinius Spitzer presiding:

 “It is the decision of this Court that you, Mrs. Ibneetha Honque, are hereby found GUILTY of all charges… specifically, that on Wednesday last, you, during your weekly Cabernet & Crackers Canasta Club gathering, did humiliate your orange tabby Maxie in front of the lady-members after a mishap of your own making in the kitchen.

Do you deny that while Maxie was sunning himself on a counter by the window, you deliberately placed a piece of your grandmother’s china… um… yes! Here it is in the report, “a particularly unlovely and overly floral teacup with unnecessary decoration and gilding”, that you did place said cup near his outstretched feet, and then, as you watched, dared, yes, DARED him to brush it closer and closer to the edge of the counter, all the while teasing and goading him on in front of the gathering ladies. The report goes on to say that you and the ladies began to chant various exhortations to Maxie both mocking and daring him to commit mischief, and that when he finally brushed the hideous cup off the counter to smash below on the cracked linoleum of your forlorn working-class kitchen, you then, in a rage, picked him up in front of the gathered membership and spanked, yes, SPANKED his bottom… YES! HIS BOTTOM… and called him “BAD KITTY”!

You daren’t deny any of this… It was all witnessed and attested to by your Chihuahua, a… um… Señor Frisko, who testified on the very docket that you now stand in… albeit on a stool with three dictionaries on it... and a wee-wee pad. Señor Frisko affirmed all of this and more in a cascade of tearful yowling and broken English. At one point, overcome with emotion, he actually fainted and could only be revived with a bowl of water and a jalapeño chew-biscuit… and some scratching behind the ears by the Court nurse.

It is therefore the sentence of this Court, that you shall be taken from this place to your home and there, in the presence of the proper authorities and the entire membership of your club, various items shall be selected from your collection of Hummels, particularly that one called the “Smirking Shepherd, the Traveling Saleslady, and the Overly-Friendly Goat”, and that they shall be smashed to bits, and buried in Maxie’s cat litter, not to be retrieved for 24 hours. In addition, your souvenir pillow from Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, that chartreuse monstrosity with the fringe, shall be clawed, front AND back, and dragged about the house as a Kill-The-Mousey toy… in front of you and your friends. The Court hopes that this will serve as a severe reminder to you and all of your Canasta-hags that felonies against felines will not cause you to prosper. There. I’ve said it. Now go! GO!... Next case!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s POST-Thanksgiving Update: ...Perrysburg, Ohio.

Margaret always asked if she was still pretty after Thanksgiving. Asking here..asking there! She would strut around in a bikini in front of the grandparents, the children and relatives, the in-laws, even Cousin Fred in his special Wheelchair/Forklift-For-The-Inconveniently-Large, posing in mirrors, doing backbends and calisthenics, smoking a cigarette...with her toes.... you know the type. So after about six or seven Thanksgivings of this, could you blame Fred when he accidentally-on-purpose backed his rig over Margaret during her "I'm Just A Girl Who Cain't Say No!" number as the pecan pie was being brought out from the kitchen? ....Even the grandparents pointed and laughed... and the children helped to dispose of the body in the backyard compost pile.... (ironically, it was Margaret who brought the lovely flowers for the table every year!)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Thanksgivings Past"... Eating on the run in 1968...

We have here an actual photo of Mrs. Helen Fobisher, a secretarial assistant at the General Motors showroom on West 57th Street in Manhattan during Thanksgiving week. Mrs. Fobisher had been with the company for just seven years (right out of college!), and in addition to her meticulous work habits, she also exhibited an extraordinary talent for innovation and, dare we say it, INVENTION!

Seen here is Helen in her "Disco-Desk", a one-piece piece of office furniture that allowed people to sit at their desks in perfect comfort without the trouble of pulling up a chair. And concealed in the space-age polymer-structure of the desk-top was a hot-plate food-prep unit which made it possible to simply press a few buttons, and have your lunch appear right in front of you... without interrupting your work-day! Talk about modern convenience and efficiency!! No more wasted time standing in line in the cafeteria or waiting at the corner deli for a hot corned beef sandwich that would be totally cold by the time you got back to the office. The Disco-Desk offered a fairly comprehensive menu of standard American work-day lunch-fare; the sort of food and refreshments that one would expect on an average weekday, Monday through Friday, nine to five! Certainly nothing too exotic, and definitely nothing French!

And wasn’t Helen lucky? Her bosses at GM were so impressed with her Disco-Desk, they bought her designs and patent as a surprise to her right before Thanksgiving! What a way to celebrate the Holiday season, huh? Interestingly, the New Products Division decided that instead of using Helen’s Disco-Desk for the office, they would install a small motor and four swivel casters and sell the desk as a futuristic bumper car at Coney Island. It was called the George Jetson Jalopy… it was a tremendous failure.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Little Known History for the Holidays!"...

Did you know that the Mayflower and the Pilgrims first landed in Provincetown on Cape Cod?... NOT in Plymouth as you were all taught in grade school! As a matter of fact, several of Mummie's ancestors decided against sailing the extra distance on to the "mainland" of the New World, and stayed on with many native Americans in the lovely topography and seashore of what would very soon become Provincetown with its picturesque views! No wonder it became the festive, frisky, fun, and FABULOUS center of New England gay life we know today!.. not at all like the forlorn life that the other pilgrims went on to live in Plymouth with witch trials, executions, and paranoia that followed almost immediately! PILGRIMS! They were all PILLS, and certainly GRIM! Ah well.... This is one of those many things that I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving! That I came from the right side of the tracks... or the BAY, as the case may be! LOLOLOL! <3

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*Tour-ette on Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving... and a time to say "Thank you!"... 11/24/2021

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