SYBIL'S HIT-OR-MISS HISTORIES! "Inventions That Failed"... the Pasta-Mega-Combine.

..... The town of New Palermo, New York had a large Italian population of immigrants, proud and loyal to their Mediterranean heritage. Although they were hardworking and loyal citizens in their new home of America, everything was colored by their traditions of family and fine food. When the Sons of Italy Gentlemen's Fraternal Organization combined their old-world cuisine with their new-world inventiveness, they created the world's first "Pasta-Mega-Combine"..... a giant factory capable of making and distributing tons of pasta instantly to homes in a seventy-mile radius from the center of town. Sadly, the creators hadn't taken into consideration the vagaries of weather, seasonal changes, and (most destructive of all!) flocks of birds becoming entangled and soiling the spaghetti! Adjusting the great machinery for ziti, vermicelli, and cannelloni only made the situation worse... as a matter of fact, the food critic from the NY Times visited and pronounced "the farfalle is far-fetched, the fusilli is silly, the rotini is rotten, and the gnocchi is noxious!".... Six months later, the entire facility had been reconfigured to produce merino wool yarn for expensive men's suits..... inexplicably, they always smelled like garlic.....

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SYBIL'S HIT-OR-MISS HISTORIES! "Inventions That Failed"... the TAN-Ya Tailor.

.... Professor Norman Hanracker had envisioned a time when people could get their daily requirement of vitamin D and a nice suntan all at the same time... all while taking a nap and in the convenience of their own homes... even when it rained or snowed! He'd been a mailman who went to night school to become a nutritionist and had graduated first in his class at Comestibles College!... and then his wife who ran a laundry service suggested that he combine a dry cleaning and pressing option to it too. He applied for a patent for his new “TAN-Ya Tailor”…And it all worked!!...Perfectly!... well until he demonstrated it in front of the local Chamber of Commerce luncheon..... Sadly, Norman was incinerated completely.... although his suit came out beautifully cleaned and wrinkle-free. Fortunately, his ashes could be brushed off the material easily… and the bankers were encouraged too by the fact that the machine had even replaced a button on his jacket....

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The History of St. Nasaltrice de Sine-Ayd.....

From Professor Sweet's Amazing Historium Of Wondurz & Spectacularities!!... the entire story of a miraculous little item!! It is NOT just a pendant, but in fact, a reliquary (a container holding sacred objects, tchotchkes, knick-knacks, or body parts!). This particular one contains a fragment of the sacred hankie of St. Nasaltrice de Sine-Ayd, a nun from the 16th century, who, in a 4 week fit of sneezing saw visions of Heaven, The Gates Of St. Peter, and the lovely little petting-zoo/picnic park that the Garden of Gethsemane had been converted into. Historical accounts of the time reported that she sneezed her soul out of her body over four thousand times during her ordeal, for which she was "Gesundheited" around the clock by devoted clergy, members of the nobility, shepherds, and various carnival persons that attended her.

At one point, her blessèd soul was sneezed out so violently that it lay helpless and shivering in the middle of the dining hall on the cold stone floor! It was then that Satan in the shape of a giant russet potato leaped out of a nearby vichyssoise and, reciting Hungarian swear words backwards, lunged at the innocent spirit. But a group of militant (and fairly masculine!) nuns barred his unholy way, and banished him by showing the hideous demon their lady parts and making sounds like cow-farts! Satan fled the room shrieking and covering his eyes (which was difficult because he was still a potato!)... the nuns called themselves The Little Sisters of Perpetual Politeness ever after, and they encased the sacred hankie that Nasaltrice last sneezed into as she was carried bodily (and without the anguish of perishing…or even indigestion!) into Heaven by cherubs!

And here it lies, one small fragment of that sacred cloth, thoroughly soiled but still unwashed, in a lovely "gold pendant with a border set with half pearls mounted under faceted crystal. Now in the collection of the Victoria & Albert Museum." ...(Pendant is shown in actual and rather startling size!)

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "In Memoriam"... Charlie Horse...

...in observance of the Oscars, the "In Memoriam" section of the evening is always very moving. Reflecting on those members of the industry who have passed away; and those who may have died young, perhaps even at the height of their fame, I felt it was important to mention some of the lesser "CELEBRITIES WHO LOST THEIR LIVES PREMATURELY!!"...

...Shari Lewis' association with Charlie Horse (April 3, 1951 - December 15, 1965) ended after years of alcoholism, hospitalizations, and shoplifting of mascaras, hair brushes, and small household appliances on his part. Increasingly unreliable at performances and even violent towards both Lamb Chop and Hush Puppy, his co-stars finally got an order of protection against him for “flannel battering” and felt trampling. He wasted vast amounts of money gambling on horse races that he was discovered to be throwing himself!... Later, he vanished for 6 weeks during pilot-season and was found dead in the alley behind F.A.O. Schwartz clutching a stained lint-brush and an empty jug of Woolite by his side. Judging by the mildew on his terry cloth, he had probably been dead for several days... His family asked that charitable donations be made to Anti-Glue causes in lieu of silk-flowers... His rubber nose was donated to the Smithsonian. His hat was possibly stolen by a farm-hand… or Mr. Green Jeans.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "In Memoriam"... Bunny Rabbit & Mr. Moose...

 ...in observance of the Oscars, the "In Memoriam" section of the evening is always very moving. Reflecting on those members of the industry who have passed away; and those who may have died young, perhaps even at the height of their fame, I felt it was important to mention some of the lesser "CELEBRITIES WHO LOST THEIR LIVES PREMATURELY!!"...

… Bunny Rabbit (1952 - 1987), a staple of the iconic "Captain Kangaroo" franchise was the victim of a bizarre and horrifying lovers' quarrel tragedy involving a bunch of carrots and a Crock Pot. Unable to have an open casket memorial, his large family had him cremated and then scattered his ashes over Farmer McGregor's estate in Malibu. His lifelong friend, co-star, and fellow vegan Mr. Moose was gunned down by the former Governor of Alaska... in what she claimed was a "huntin' accident"…

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "In Memoriam"... Oliver J. Dragon...

... in observance of the Oscars, the "In Memoriam" section of the evening is always very moving. Reflecting on those members of the industry who have passed away; and those who may have died young, perhaps even at the height of their fame, I felt it was important to mention some of the lesser "CELEBRITIES WHO LOST THEIR LIVES PREMATURELY!!"...

...Oliver "Ollie" J. Dragon (1944-1959). Tragically, Ollie was killed when he was thrown through the windshield of the brand new Corvette convertible owned and driven by his co-star Kukla (Tuckerman) as they traveled down Mulholland Drive and collided with a Good Humor truck. Kukla was arrested and declared drunk at the scene. After a three week stay in the Beverly Hills Doll Hospital (on the Millicent R. Velveteen Ward), it was revealed that he was paralyzed from the waist down and would be forced to be carried around by an attendant and to wear a diaper concealed by a flannel nightgown for the rest of his life. At his trial, the jury's sympathy resulted in him only being fined for killing his friend and co-star. To this day, Kukla speaks against drunk driving from his wheelchair at county fairs, 4H Clubs, and at pie-eating contests. He lives quietly making soap sculptures in Sepulveda which he sells from his own eBay store. Fran Allison still refuses to talk to him.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "In Memoriam"... Farfel (P. Barkelson)...

...in observance of the Oscars, the "In Memoriam" section of the evening is always very moving. Reflecting on those members of the industry who have passed away; and those who may have died young, perhaps even at the height of their fame, I felt it was important to mention some of the lesser "CELEBRITIES WHO LOST THEIR LIVES PREMATURELY!!"...

...Farfel (P. Barkelson) (1950-1961) was killed when his co-star Jerry Mahoney and Mahoney's gay lover Danny O'Day backed over him in their driveway on the way to a meeting with their managers Jimmy Nelson and Paul Winchell. At the time it was rumored that Farfel was being paid more than the combined salaries of Mahoney, O'Day, Nelson, and Winchell put together. No charges were pressed however. The death was ruled an "unfortunate accident". Police discovered though that Farfel had possibly been abused sexually by the group on an ongoing basis by the old collar marks on his neck and the large leash collection they found in the mansion's soundproof basement. The coroner also found evidence of dog biscuits laced with barbiturates in Farfel's stomach. But still no charges were filed. O'Day, Mahoney, Nelson, and Winchell left the country shortly afterwards and years later opened a chain of gay guest houses in Mykonos, Provincetown, and Key West.....

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Sybil Bruncheon’s "In Memoriam"... Mortimer Snerd...

...in observance of the Oscars, the "In Memoriam" section of the evening is always very moving. Reflecting on those members of the industry who have passed away; and those who may have died young, perhaps even at the height of their fame, I felt it was important to mention some of the lesser "CELEBRITIES WHO LOST THEIR LIVES PREMATURELY!!"...

... Mortimer Snerd (1938-1952): Accidentally sawed in half during one of Edgar Bergen's amateurish 'comedy-magic' routines. The courts found Bergen guilty only of man(nequin)-slaughter and sentenced him to 30 days with time served and 43 hours of public service in a lumber yard first aid station, removing splinters from lumberjacks' hands. Charlie McCarthy was named as an accessory, but was considered a minor and his record was expunged... although later it was discovered when counting his rings, that he was in fact 158 years old... Tragically, Snerd was neither buried nor cremated. It was revealed by the Hollywood press that he had been "pulped" and used as the morning edition of The Beverly Hills Tattler. He became the only celebrity in history to have his obituary printed on his own remains...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "TALES & TAILS"… A Mother's Day Tribute : MISS HELGINA GWATHMOOR.....

Miss Helgina Gwathmoor had never been considered a great beauty... or even a middling beauty. As a child, her devoted parents (who adored her!) had to admit they were grateful that little Geena's personality, charm, humor, and great loveliness towards every living creature she ever met more than made up for her lack of comeliness. When other little girls were picking out their favorite gingham dresses for the school picnic, Geena was busy heading the refreshment committee and making sure the cucumber and watercress sandwiches were perfection...that the pink lemonade was tart, and the vanilla ice cream had actual vanilla orchid seeds sprinkled through every luscious scoop. And she was only 8...!

At 13, as a member of the National Girl Guides, when other girls were busy flirting with boys at the rugby and lacrosse contests, she was in charge of rolling bandages and running the first aid stations on the sidelines, or cheering them on to victory! At 17, when young ladies were thinking of proms and cotillions and glorious gowns that would only be worn once for each enchanting occasion, it was their good pal Geena who'd be crawling around at their feet pinning hems and attaching flowered trims or staying up all night sewing and finishing the alterations so everyone "looked just so!" Geena was so constantly busy with so many different projects that her twenties started slipping by before anyone actually noticed that she was single. There was no time for "courting and wooing" as her adoring grandmother would say as Geena would whirl through the room chatting and laughing, her arms full of blueprints for an animal shelter, or bolts of fabric for the new curtains for the community playhouse, or two dozen teddy bears for the children's hospital ward. Geena's grandma had been a great beauty herself as a girl, but she had been wise as well, and her brief sadness for her little granddaughter faded as she saw what Geena was growing into. And all her elderly friends marveled at Geena's "unsinkability".... it was as if she was made of cork, her Aunt Delia would say. Old Mabel Cravers marveled that nothing seemed to defeat or discourage her!

And so the years slipped by.... Geena gave everything, shared everything, held hands, joined in the laughter, wiped away the tears, consoled, congratulated, and celebrated, cheered and cherished the lives and loves of all those around her. Their journeys and adventures became the threads in the most wondrous tapestry....and one that she treasured, was honored by, and humbled to have had. How lucky, she thought! How lucky I am to have had my OWN wonderful adventure.... with all the wonderful people in it.

Helgina Gwathmoor was much beloved by one generation after another. Other women's daughters and granddaughters and great granddaughters all knew her and loved her. ...as did their sons, and grandsons, and great grandsons. They were brought to her as a matter of course in their births, their christenings and upbringings, their engagements and weddings, and on and on. She lived to be 103.... or maybe more. No one knew. The facts of her own life had slipped away long ago.... and she was remembered and revered as a reflection and an illumination in the lives of all those who were lucky enough... even to have known her.

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The George Sweet Doorway Mysteries - "THE WRONG DOOR BELL"....

... Elspeth Gramondely was cross. Yes, the snow had stopped falling, but she could smell that more was coming, perhaps within the hour, and a heavy one at that! Her grandmother always told all the family that Elspeth had the "gift"... like all the seafaring men in their extensive ancestry. "Elspeth has the nose", her grandmother would cackle when people quarreled about the predictions of rain, or cold, or fog... anything! Elspeth always seemed to know. Like her ancestors; the whalers and battleship captains. The family had an illustrious past on the open sea, although they had fallen on harder times by the 1920s. But here was Elspeth going door to door, collecting small donations for the Seafarers' Home in Carrington-on-Harrow, and pinning the sweet little blue paper cornflower on the donor's shirt or jacket with a curtsy and a "thank-you", delivered cheerfully, but a tad hurried.

Row after row of houses, up one street, and down the next, and always glancing resentfully at the sky between stops and curtsies, and "thank-yous"...She looked at the list of names and addresses which she had been checking off...carefully noting which ones didn't answer their doors and would have to be followed up on. And she would be expected to do that too... but then she had always been reliable. The oldest child of five...and a daughter too. Even at 6, she had been mature for her age, and oddly somber. Elspeth took everything seriously, especially her chores and responsibilities...and her promises. She helped her mother and grandmother, her aunts, and the nice ladies in the neighborhood with everything. Watching children, doing errands, helping when someone was ill and needed an extra pair of hands for cleaning, laundry, meal time....

Elspeth was thinking of all those years of helping and doing and being responsible when she suddenly stumbled on the walk and fell flat on her donation box and parcels. Her palms had scraped along the frigid cobbles, and the stones had torn the tender flesh sending flashes of bright pain up her arms and blinding her! Had she screamed? Her usual reserve made her bite her lip in shame, hoping that no one had heard or seen her fall...or cry. Her composure and bravery were all-important to her, even at 12 years of age... and she quickly gathered all the coins and the few pound notes that were scattered in the snow and threatening to blow away as an icy breeze began to stir. Thank goodness she hadn't broken the inlaid wooden box with its hinged lid and the handsome brass anchor nailed to its center. Captain Harkovy had entrusted her with it from his own collection... "For Good Luck", he'd winked at her! She brushed herself off carefully, making sure that she didn't get any of the slowly oozing blood onto her woolen coat or school pinafore. She glanced around quickly to make sure no one saw her lick the small cuts here and there on her tender hands, wincing at the sting ...and her clumsiness, and began walking again to the next house.... but... which house? She reached for her paper sheafs to check the addresses...but...oh... where were her papers?... Where! Wait..they must be right here..or behind her?... on the pavement… no… not there.. had they blown somewhere.. no, the breeze hadn't picked up THAT much.. "now wait!", she told herself! I must stay calm.. there's a perfect explanation.. I... I.... must have put them down! Yes..that's it. I put them down at one of the houses to put the money in the box and arrange the coins in the right pockets and the bills... maybe on a front stoop..or a landing near a front door... yes! That's where the list is. I just have to retrace my steps.... I don't want to bother anyone especially near dinner time...and it IS getting dark, but people will understand..even if I have to ring a bell...or two... or... but .....

And then Elspeth realized she didn't recognize the stoops or the doorways or even the bell knobs that she saw as she walked back down the street... or was it the other way that she had come?. It was all a blur... and she began to ...panic, because that's what happens to very, very organized people who, on those very, very rare occasions lose something..or lose their way... or lose all the composure that they have spent their lives ...composing. Elspeth looked down at her shoes, now wet and chilly from all the snow, and took a breath. I can fix this. The sweet, quiet, little voice that she trusted on those rare occasions when she worried about being good enough came to her. I can fix this. I always do. And she looked at the closest doorway and the snow beginning to dust its stoop. Three steps up past the pair of dark pink granite columns and the iron railings...I don't remember those!... and the door! So dark, the wood almost black and shiny..like ebony...with a sneering face, maybe of a goat or Pan... or both? And the doorbell knob!.. I've never seen that before. It's a hand, a brass hand! Little and polished... and held out towards the visitor... as if greeting you and offered in a handshake. But icy cold...and hard. So cold...and hard...and shiny bright. But Elspeth thought only of the snow beginning to fall...and then swirl, and the streetlights just coming on... and her list... and her responsibilities... and she took the hand, the shiny cold hand and...she held it in hers in an icy handshake…. And she pulled it to her…..she shivered.. She shivered as the tinkling bell announced her to.... anyone....

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