Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases Past... Controversial Cards & Weird Wishes!"...

Boys and Girls, did you know that before Hallmark began writing nice little messages about reindeer and elves for Grandma, there were Holiday cards that were much stranger and sometimes had messages that might have frightened Grandma... or even killed her. And instead of Mrs. Santa Claus baking a pie there might be a bad man called Krampus eating a little boy! Mummie has put together some old cards for you to look at and learn from, and the next time you're singing carols or making cookies or opening a present, just remember that if you jumble the letters in Santa's name, they can also spell S-A-T-A-N!!

Bwah Ha Ha Haaa!!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's 31 Days of Halloween!...

Detroit has announced a special re-issue of the famously infamous Ford EDSEL... complete with evil-spirit-automatic transmission and power-of-Satan steering... guaranteed at 20,000 miles to burst into flames with massive loss of life! Convertible models available. "Inferno Red" with black interiors only option.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Easter News From Around The World!!!...

Yes, Boys & Girls!..our little friends in Mexico also celebrate Easter! That's when Señor Pasas de Conejo Diablo comes to the back door...or maybe even climbs a ladder and breaks into the house in the middle of the night! He plays castanets and draws children's eyebrows so they look like Frida Kahlo, and he leaves brown rice, beans, and a jalapeño pepper in their slippers!... Now, doesn't THAT sound like a fun way to spend Easter?? ¡Sí cómo no!

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From Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Oddities From Around The World!"...

London, 1939. It was later revealed within the year, that the Dark Lord himself, the Ejector of Nether Gases, and the Maker of Sulfurous Mischiefs had disguised himself as Father Christmas and visited hospitals, schools, orphanages, and even petting zoos in order to endear himself to British children at their most vulnerable. Imagine! The Prince of Eternal Bleakness sitting innocent babes on his sin-riddled lap to whisper in their ears while embracing them with his unholy, unyielding arms... suggesting unnatural acts to the sweetest of sweetlings!... tempting them to do terrible things to their families, their own loving parents and siblings! Yes! Satan himself, although to even say his name is to give him power... And so, with the entire world on the very precipice of catastrophic war yet again, Satan came to earth, and in the guise of childhood's most belovéd figure, to wreak havoc while riding a clown cycle accompanied by a legless Teddy. That alone should have alerted the proper authorities, but no...

And isn't it strangely funny that "SANTA" is actually an anagram for "S-A-T-A-N"?... but no one ever mentions it... do they???

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Sybil Bruncheon's 31 Days of Halloween Horror & Hilarity!… The Ninth Circle...

Friends! There's so much prejudice against all sorts of preconceived notions...and one of the oldest and most entrenched is that Satan is a bad person, and that Hell might be an undesirable place... But in fact, did you know that in the Ninth Circle there is a cheerful tradition on every Tuesday where Satan himself plays their karaoke night for local talent? Yes! Always encouraging young people who need a break in the business, the Dark Prince is often on the lookout for "that special someone"!! Here we have Mrs. Florinda Gunn of Patootie Corners, Iowa during her debut solo "Melancholy Baby" with the Big Mr. S. on the ivories... Afterwards, Mrs. Gunn said she was nervous at first, especially with Satan at the piano ...and with so many of the audience holding pitchforks and red hot pincers. She also said she'd never worn such a revealing cocktail dress before, and in an animal print too!...certainly not at the ice cream sociables where she had that fling with Reverend Mooney behind the church... back when she was, um... well, still alive...

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The History of St. Nasaltrice de Sine-Ayd.....

From Professor Sweet's Amazing Historium Of Wondurz & Spectacularities!!... the entire story of a miraculous little item!! It is NOT just a pendant, but in fact, a reliquary (a container holding sacred objects, tchotchkes, knick-knacks, or body parts!). This particular one contains a fragment of the sacred hankie of St. Nasaltrice de Sine-Ayd, a nun from the 16th century, who, in a 4 week fit of sneezing saw visions of Heaven, The Gates Of St. Peter, and the lovely little petting-zoo/picnic park that the Garden of Gethsemane had been converted into. Historical accounts of the time reported that she sneezed her soul out of her body over four thousand times during her ordeal, for which she was "Gesundheited" around the clock by devoted clergy, members of the nobility, shepherds, and various carnival persons that attended her.

At one point, her blessèd soul was sneezed out so violently that it lay helpless and shivering in the middle of the dining hall on the cold stone floor! It was then that Satan in the shape of a giant russet potato leaped out of a nearby vichyssoise and, reciting Hungarian swear words backwards, lunged at the innocent spirit. But a group of militant (and fairly masculine!) nuns barred his unholy way, and banished him by showing the hideous demon their lady parts and making sounds like cow-farts! Satan fled the room shrieking and covering his eyes (which was difficult because he was still a potato!)... the nuns called themselves The Little Sisters of Perpetual Politeness ever after, and they encased the sacred hankie that Nasaltrice last sneezed into as she was carried bodily (and without the anguish of perishing…or even indigestion!) into Heaven by cherubs!

And here it lies, one small fragment of that sacred cloth, thoroughly soiled but still unwashed, in a lovely "gold pendant with a border set with half pearls mounted under faceted crystal. Now in the collection of the Victoria & Albert Museum." ...(Pendant is shown in actual and rather startling size!)

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Sybil Bruncheon’s 31 Days of Halloween: A Parenting Bulletin!!!......

Friends, do you have a difficult child in your home? Now it's best to be honest, BRUTALLY honest with yourself and face the harsh reality of a "bad child". Perhaps through no fault of your own, your son or daughter..(or whatever!) is perpetually naughty, and has been so nearly from birth!... maybe even in the Delivery Room? Did your newborn pull a sharp object on your obstetrician... and the attending nurses?

Does your toddler bite, scratch, or kick its playmates, a valuable piece of antique furniture... or even plumbing fixtures?

Does your pre-schooler speak in strange foreign languages or make tropical animal sounds with accompanying gestures, especially when religious persons are visiting, or perhaps your employer and his unsuspecting wife?

Has your child claimed to have a "secret friend"??..... with a name like "Monkey-Woman", "Curtis the Curved-Cucumber", "Qitzzl-Patyl", or "Mrs. Roosevelt"????

Does your 1st grader put his clothes on backwards, or upside down....or does he go out for the day with no clothes on whatsoever?

Does your youngster eat all his vegetables, but insist on biting them directly out of the ground with his own teeth?

Has your daughter ever carried on lengthy and expensive long-distance phone calls... on her shoes... with famous mimes??

Has your child started collecting odd things, like olive pits, burnt matches, or navel lint?

Has your youngster ever used his bedroom closet as a "private elevator to Uncle Satan's house"?

Does your son shoplift various make-up items, and then open a beauty counter at your dining room table when your bridge club meets on Thursdays... where he introduces himself as "Mr. Nancy: Make-up Mentor To Mass-Murderers!"…

These and other peculiar eccentricities can be the advanced and sometimes incurable signs of "Willful Naughtiness". What can a caring parent do? The first step is to call our switchboard and purchase the books and tools needed to turn this terrible situation around! But you must act NOW! Time is of the essence! Our operators are waiting to help YOU! Just dial S-A-V-E-M-Y-B-R-A-T! That's right! Dial 728-369-2728. The nice man will tell you how to order! Procrastination may be fatal!... Don't wait until your sweet little bundle of joy wakes you up one morning ... with a blowtorch… and an axe!

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