Sybil Bruncheon's "ON THIS DATE... 1917"...

Boys and Girls, did you know that long before Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, or even Annette Funicello became Mouseteers, Walt Disney had created his special club for children. Sadly, it was in response to the horrors of World War I, and the club was invented with the Top Secret US Army Special Operations Forces. Here we see Clive Turnbyl and Phelicity Jabb (both 12) behind French battle lines, fully equipped with their state-of-the-art "Hear-It-All-Telescopic-Mustard-Gas-Detectors" ready to post alerts to the troops should the Germans begin another round of their fiendish warfare. When spotted in their bunkers by the Germans, it was assumed the children were doing musical morale shows for the troops. Interestingly, Disney didn't name his mouse characters Mickey and Minnie until ten years after the war concluded... prior to that, American military agents knew them only as Jedediah and Gretchen-Patrice Rattinski. It was George Marshall who told his pal Disney that "the names stink! Think of something happier!... with an M... for Marshall!"... And that was on this very date. Back in 1917!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "ON THIS DATE... 1877"...

Boys and Girls, did you know that a long time ago, your Mother didn't buy milk at a store? NO! A nice man would come to your house with a small metal rack holding glass bottles of milk with rubber stoppers in them!... Sometimes they might be stolen if you lived in a poor part of town and other mothers talked like pirates, or had an eye-patch, or BOTH! Sometimes the glass bottles might break when they were dropped or thrown, or even freeze in cold weather and explode if they were left out on your fire escape or back porch. But bottles were considered a big improvement over what came before... you see the very first delivery of milk to a home happened when Mr. Enoch Hamhacken actually drove his entire herd of Guernseys into Brooklyn, and left one on each doorstep of his clients for them to milk themselves. Then he would pick the cows up again that afternoon.

You can imagine how difficult that might have been on everyone. Some people were too busy to sit down and milk a cow. Some people were too squeamish or afraid. Some cows might be grumpy on a certain day, and either moo loudly, or even step on the poor customer. And what about nice Mr. Hamhacken? He got tired of carrying his cows up flights of stairs and trying to make them stay outside the Spinnelli's apartment and not walk over to the Lefkowitz's. And then there was the time when he had twenty customers in one tenement building, and the twenty cows he left formed a crazed stampede shortly before lunch and trampled thirteen people to death... all on the fourth floor! That story was on the front page of the Brooklyn World-Watcher Times... complete with horrifying photographs of the victims, squished beyond recognition and surrounded by now-placid cows munching happily on houseplants... And that was on this very date. Back in 1877!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hollywood Hysterical Histories"!... Homophobia! Even in a Galaxy Not So Long Ago, or Far Away...

Friends, we all like to think that the folks that make our movies are openminded and progressive, but it's time for all of us to face the reality of Hollywood's hidden homophobia! Case in point; the immensely successful, lucrative, and beloved Star Wars franchise which has now continued into dozens of spin-offs, sequels, and product licensing. Did you know that the new robot-character, BB8, a jolly, rotund re-imagining of the iconic R2D2, was originally a very different and flamboyant addition to the cast? BB8 was created as an openly gay intergalactic hairdresser-florist-wedding-cake-baker-party-planner with multi-directional laser capabilities, and full cosmetic application tools and attachments. BB8 was designed to arrange, host, and accessorize any gala or planetary festival while still disintegrating any wedding-crashers, drunken in-laws, or "bug-people". Sadly, George Lucas felt that the little robot was too flamboyant and... "faggy" during early audience testing. He was replaced by the more streamlined and "reserved" model, although the producers offered that his new orange striping was still "very festive". And his high-pitched voice kept him "child-like"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's Breaking News from the CNN news desk: Old faces in the new Congress....

As the new Congress assembles, we recognize many of the long-serving politicians who return to Washington's hallowed halls with their long-standing quirks and eccentricities for yet another term... Seen here are:

(top row, l. to r.)

1) Senator Filbert Crater III: a classic multi-generational politician from a long line of mayors, governors, Congressmen, and moonshiners dating back to the 1830s in his home state. Known for his drawling delivery and off-color jokes, but also a certain amount of charm that he ladles in huge portions on elderly society ladies and their young teen-age sons.

2) Representative Beauregaard Bogardus: notoriously overweight and garrulous gourmand who often brings a nine-course lunch to his desk and eats even while pacing the floor and proposing one bill after another on obesity among inner-city school children and replacing their lunch vouchers with glasses of recycled bath-water.

3) Congresswoman Kelly "Kiki" Tarroltown: former flight attendant and beauty-pageant winner in her home-state. Known for her twinkling eyes and ready smile, she is often portrayed as the "most charming" politician in Washington, and, after hours, the most likely to be found in the Senate's men's room sharing a smoke and a round of cards with “attentive older gentlemen”!

(middle row, l. to r.)

4) Senator Angus Aloysius O'Harrigan: fiery-tempered, red-headed, and prone to fistfights, even in the White House, O'Harrigan brags about his Irish heritage, his 13 children, and his docile wife, Margaret Marie, "who keeps to her kids, her kitchen, and her corset!". Amazingly, she still has her girlish figure despite the many years of domestic life, although she has been to a couple of society events with a black eye, and the occasional broken arm.

5) Congresswoman Nellie Gelliforth: accused of being too old and doddering to serve any longer, she has been re-elected 43 times. In spite of her quavering voice, trembling hands, scrawly handwriting, and wandering mind, the Congresswoman apparently also offers a certain "grandmotherly comfort" to even the most cynical of her critics, perhaps because of her home-made perfume that she always wears on the most confrontational days... she calls it "Cookie Jar".

6) Senator Thymus Phunt, Jr.: one of the stealthiest and most sinister of the "old guard", the senator has been associated with teamster rub-outs, guerrilla activity in undeclared overseas wars, secret arms-deals with Latin American despots, assassinations in Asian casinos, and arson in various Girl Scout cookie drives.

(bottom row, l. to r.)

7) Senator Gerald Edwin Capshat: perhaps the most energetic and animated of all Washington politicians, he’s seen here with one of his ever-present Congressional volumes on policy, rules, and arcana that make him one of the greatest strategists in government. He is best known for filibustering for weeks on end, tying up legislation, shutting down the entire government, ruining the reputations and hopes of his adversaries, and living on stale Saltine crackers and glasses of warm Tang. He was once observed to have gone without urinating for 72 hours, and then, only in a waste basket next to his brief case.

8) Congressman Liam Jolley: possibly the most likable man in the Capitol building, even the janitors and pages have declared him to be kind, friendly, and ready to shake hands with visitors and tourists. Jolley has managed to get lots of work done purely on goodwill and his ability to talk with just about anyone on either side of the aisle. Sadly, he also has been on the watch-list with office security personnel as a possible desk-thief. His misdemeanors include stealing paperclips, thumb-tacks, scotch tape (double-sided only!), lip sticks, mascaras, and personal hygiene products. His breath often smells like Elmer’s Glue and felt tip pens.

9) Congresswoman Gladys Germante: liberated and self-actualizing long before the Women’s Lib movement, Germante had been a lawyer and judge in her home state following a career as a frontier midwife and “ladies’ physician”. Known for her flinty approach to lawmaking and her ability to trade jokes and smoke cigars over brandy with “the boys”, she has remained a power to be reckoned with now in her 52nd year in Congress. Unfortunately, her thinning hair and gravely voice often result in her being addressed as “sir” by the new pages that bustle about the halls… secretly, it breaks her heart. 

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Tour-ette Tampa Bay 1/4/2019

Sybil Bruncheon takes you on a little tour-ette through the jungle... well... not exactly! ☺

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Sybil Bruncheon's NEW YEAR'S CELEBRATING: Before & After… A Cautionary “Tail”......

Oh, yes!! The party started out happily enough....a beautiful spread of delicacies, the right beverages, frisky music choices, festive party decorations, and games to play! But within an hour Melvin had grown bored and sullen. He began to reminisce about "missed mouse-opportunities" over the last 6 of his lives. Sulking, he slunk off to a corner and could not be cheered or engaged, either by a laser-pointer or a giant catnip toy shaped like Charlie the Tuna.

Gino, usually a big flirt on the back fence and always handy with a funny anecdote, descended into unwarranted bullying, face smacking, making stupid puns, and poking Melvin with his party hat. It only made Melvin sadder and he started yowling "The Legend of Billy McCaw" and miming sword fights with the curtains, which soon came down in a heap... causing more yowling, and even some spitting!

Big Clem, had started out the evening asleep in the chip bowl, and seemed content to remain there, snoring through all the drama… and the Fritos. But now, as the party became a nightmare, he added to the ruckus by snoring and FARTING... loudly.... and almost "musically", although it frightened most of the ladies present, and confused the guests over by the cheese tray.

And Handsome Herbie, always showing off his good looks and poise, ended up overindulging and vomiting into his hat!.... The whole evening basically "went to the dogs"!!

Please folks, use some sensible restraint tonight! Urge your cats to drink responsibly, or to assign a designated driver! DON'T let this happen to you!!! If you think you need help with YOUR unruly pussy, dial K-I-T-T-Y-K-A-O-S-S…that’s right, just dial 548-895-2677. The nice man will tell you how to order…or how to wrangle your cats.

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Tour-ette St. Petersburg 1/2/2019

Sybil Bruncheon takes you on a little tour-ette for lunch after the pool at the St. Petersburg Carillon Hilton... yum.

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Sybil's New Year!… NEW CAREER!... "Hair today! Hair TOMORROW!"...

Friends, with the Christmas rush behind us and the bright New Year looming ahead, perhaps you've thought about a New Career as well! How about the glamorous and exciting adventures to be found as a home-hair colorist for Garnier Nutrisse!?!?...

Now you too can help all sorts of ladies (and even some unmarried-as-yet middle-aged gentlemen!) to enhance their natural beauty through the science and art of tips and frosting!! ...and for an extra $19.95, we'll throw in a three-week course in "Get The Grey Out, Without Getting The Hair Out!", "Black Is The New Black For Funeral-Dos",  "The Perfect Back-To-School Auburn For Your Tween!", and "Getting The Curtains To Match The Drapes...and That Little Mustache Problem Too!".......

Now you can be the star at next Christmas' family gathering when you bring your case of professional-looking tools and do everyone's holiday make-over right in the kitchen sink! The ooohs and ahhhs that you'll receive will be all the presents you need!! Just call our switchboard now!! ... Dial I-A-M W-O-R-T-H I-T.. that's right, dial 426-679-8448. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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Sybil's New Year!... NEW CAREER!... "An EYE for success!"...

Friends, with the Christmas rush behind us and the bright New Year looming ahead, perhaps you've thought about a New Career as well! How about the glamorous and exciting adventures to be found behind a make-up counter for Maybelline!?!?... 

Now you too can help all sorts of ladies (and even some unmarried-as-yet middle-aged gentlemen!) to enhance their natural beauty through the science and art of mascara!!... and for an extra $19.95, we'll throw in a three-week course in "Shadows & Liners", "Eyelash Curlers - Yes or No?", "Flip Your Lid-S", "Be A Good PUPIL", and "Pink Eye! Itchy, Itchy, Bitchy!".... 

Now you can be the star at next Christmas' family gathering when you bring your case of professional-looking tools and do everyone's holiday make-over right at the table! The ooohs and ahhhs that you'll receive will be all the presents you need!! Just call our switchboard now!! ...and we mean NOW! Dial I-M N-O-T P-O-K-E-Y.. that's right, dial 466-687-6539. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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Sybil's "Post-Holiday Pet-Bulletins!"... It's come to our attention...

Friends!!!.... do you have a cat in your household which you, regretfully, consider more likely to be naughty than nice during the Holiday season? It has come to our attention that many felines disguise themselves on Christmas Eve, in anticipation of Santa's arrival in the home.... their reasons include seeing presents before the rest of the household (and perhaps even tearing them open!), bargaining or haggling with Santa about the quantity and type of gifts being left to them, and (most egregious of all!) demanding additional paper bags, cardboard boxes, and wrapping material to be tossed and littered about before morning, resulting in owners tripping, falling down stairs, or even burning to death in fires... often set by the naughty kitties themselves with matches and expensive brandy....It's best that you face these unfortunate possibilities now before it's too late. The signs are obvious. Does your cat pretend to be an edible Christmas treat giving itself a powdered sugar facial, strategically placed "sprinkles", or a head-to-toe mayo and mustard shmear with optional pickle? Has your kitty ever decided to become a furnishing of some sort; a purring throw pillow, a curtain tie-back, or a table lamp with a perpetually blown-out light bulb? Does your cat try to change its shape...and pour itself into various things that bend it into a cube, a sphere, a cone, or a tetrahedron? Does your cat pretend to be suddenly blind thinking that a blind person's glasses means that OTHER people can't see the CAT!? (yes...stupid, we know!) If you feel any of these animal-anomalies may be present in your home, it's best to act! If not for your sake or your family's... then for Santa's sake. Dear God, for Santa's sake!! Our booklet and special tools can save Christmas...for everyone! Pick up your phone and dial K-R-A Z-Y P-U-R-R-S-N... that's right, dial 572-097-8777. ...and leave the last "N" off for "NICE"! The "NICE" man will tell you how to order. 

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