New Year?... New YOU!!!... Sybil's Slimming Secrets!

Friends!!..are you already suffering that Holiday Heftiness that comes with cold weather and too much munching??? Do rowdy neighborhood bullies throw the jumbo-sized snowballs at you and yell, "Hey there, Fatty!". Did you receive a Christmas card addressed to "Ebenezer HUUUGE"???? Did a well-meaning hostess accidentally offer you a big slice of "PLUMP Pudding"???? Have you ever walked by a school bus and had 30 children scream hysterically that "Frosty the Snowman is trying to escape!"???.

... well..... ...Now YOU can have the slim, trim, and charming figure that you've envied in others who NEVER seem to put on any weight no matter how much they binge at Grandma's table! Christmas cookies, cakes, and candy are no match for Madame Dowding of Charing Cross Road and her band of blacksmithing elves. They can custom fit you for an "Invincible Corset" modeled on your own body in July and keep you looking just that way straight through the New Year! (And we have special models for the Man-Of-The-House too! It's called our "Hey There, SLIM!" line... Ask for it by name!) Call now for a consultation and a free estimate! Just dial I-A-M-J-I-G-G-G-L-Y....that's 426-544-4459. The nice man will tell you how to order!!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “After Christmas News From Out And About”: December 28th….. Dinner at the Shmedley's house...

Edwin Shmedley and his charming family had spent a delightful Christmas holiday with family, friends, and even his boss Mr. Porther and his garrulous though big-hearted wife Adele. Everything in Edwin’s life seemed to be perfect; his job and relations with his co-workers and clients, his home life (he adored his wife Brenda and their three children, of course, but even his in-laws were a pleasure!) Everything he touched and everything he had seemed to be blessed…and so, on this lovely evening of December 28th, 1956, as he and his loved ones gathered for dinner and talked excitedly about the New Year of 1957 just a few days away, it was so startling when the shadows behind them all at the dinner table began to move…. ON THEIR OWN! It started with the children’s shadows waving their arms wildly over their shadow-heads, and then Brenda’s shadow also waving frantically before it fell to the ground, and Edwin’s shadow!... standing suddenly and waving its arms about with ----- was that a shadow axe in its hands?!?.......

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Sybil Bruncheon's "New Opportunities in the NEW YEAR!"....

Friends!! Do you want to earn more money?... Sure! We all do! 

What if we told you that a whole new world of adventure, opportunity, and interesting people is waiting for you IF you're willing to make just one phone call to our switchboard TODAY!...Yes, you too can join all sorts of ladies and gentlemen in the wonderful career of opening your own BACKYARD MENTAL HOSPITAL!! Take a close look at the smiling faces of these happy proprietors who started their own home-made institution for the insane with just a small down payment, a few classes for certification, an abandoned building with a fairly good roof, and fifty cans of baked beans. And imagine the relief of your friends and neighbors who've longed for a place to send quarrelsome Aunt Lily, Cousin Fred the Stealer, Old Mrs. Cranston who smells of urine and vanilla extract… or perhaps even your own mother?!?… I DID!  

And think of all the fascinating people you’ll meet at your own Backyard Mental Hospital conventions too! With no tiresome lectures and seminars from actual medical people or boring old scientists and researchers! Just maybe some cute nurses, male or female! (wink! wink! nudge! nudge!) YES! Three-day weekends with cool couples who’ve also opened their own looney-bins, and maybe have even started franchises. Talk about opportunities! Wouldn't it be nice to pull in some extra cash in your spare time? Well now you can! Just call our switchboard right now for your own certification kit, directions on making jumbo portions of cafeteria food, blueprints for your own personal padded cell, and a list of bulk wholesalers for toilet paper, laundry soap, adult diapers, bandages, and Thorazine. Did you know you can create your own electro-shock set-up from an old toaster and some frayed extension cords? Did you know you can make a whirlpool bath from a child’s inflatable pool and an electric fan? Did you know that eleven oven mitts can be re-sewn into a fairly effective strait jacket? Well, you do now!

 Just pick up the phone and dial K-O-O-K-Y-D-O-U-G-H..... That's right, dial 566-593-6844. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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New Year's DREAD!!!

Friends!!... Does the thought of a "New Year" terrify you?… Do you dread that first day back at the office after the Holiday whirlwind?... Do you find yourself drumming the table, biting your fingernails, drinking and smoking more?... Are you unable to sleep?... AT ALL??.. well, "New Year's Insomnia" IS a medical condition now recognized by the medical profession and by the International Fellowship of Sleep Researchers. Why should you suffer the destructive consequences of sleep-deprivation which can include poor workplace judgement, bad parenting, dietary catastrophes, work and family faux pas, birthday and anniversary forgetfulness, and make-up and fashion tragedies!! Our set of twelve booklets and special sleep-aids will sail you off to Dreamland!! Just call D-O-R-M-E-Z V-O-U-S!!...that's right, dial 367-630-8687. The nice man will tell you how to order...and he might even tuck you in.   

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas, and the morning-after"...

Police Blotters across the country... a reindeer's life isn't all glamour!

1) Franklin Falls, Maine: "Dasher" O'Rourke caught outside the Mr. Inkster Tattoo Pad seriously inebriated and yelling that the new tattoo on his left hindquarter was misspelled from "Look At My Holly" to "Look At My Holey".

2) Ganesford, Iowa: "Dancer" Dunigan arrested inside the Could Care Less All-Night Carousel clad only in a coconut brassiere and grass skirt, pole dancing for a large contingent of heterosexual Danish sailors. Dunigan had made several inappropriate and graphic advances of a sexaul nature on the patrons, and threatened to gore many of them if they didn't show him their "pastries". In the cruiser, he collapsed and was rushed to the Ganesford Petting zoo in a diabetic coma.

3) Feldspar, Arizona: "Prancer" Dunigan, twin brother to Dancer, returned quietly after his annual Christmas marathon only to find his home burglarized and occupied by three hoodlums from The Elfa-Bets, the infamous numbers racketeers and Ponzi-schemers. They had vandalized his entire home, and destroyed his collections of Lladro Hans Christian Andersen fairy-tale characters and his Hummels of El Greco saints. The police arrived right after he had taken an antique blunderbuss down from the fireplace mantel and blew the three little elves to the Land Of Nod. The coroner pronounced them dead at the scene. Charges are pending.

4) Pleasant Hill, Montana: "Vixen" Wilcox was arrested with an entire crowd of head-bangers and Mary Kay salesladies during a meth-lab/mah-jongg gambling ring raid. Handcuffed in a chain of thirty other miscreants, he pleaded with the officers and various cattle-wranglers that he didn't understand why other players kept yelling "Crack" and "Bam"... his bail is set at $25,000 in cash or candy canes.

5) Minnehaha Village, Minnesota: "Comet" Banton was found unconscious in an alley behind the Minnehaha Grain & Feed Emporium with an overturned jug of corn-liquor beside him. He was only identified by Cliff Spurgeon, the on-duty manager of the local AA shelter, since his wallet and bridle had been stolen. Instead of arresting Banton, the police left him at the shelter to sleep it off, and have a hearty meal of hay in the morning... if he could keep it down. Banton rolled his eyes and told the cops, "You know what Comet rhymes with, right?".

6) Jonquil Junction, Delaware: "Cupid" Connors, formerly a trusted family man now has one of the longest rap sheets among the ruminant crowd. Left by his wife last Christmas, it was revealed in February that he had been married thirty-seven times before, and in fourteen countries!... and that he had skipped out on all alimony and child support cases. He was picked up by police at the Cuddly Corner Diner having a cup of hot chocolate with their night shift waitress Bernice Cubbins. She reported that he had proposed they elope to the North Pole later after her shift.

7) Abenrathy Place, Connecticut: "Donner" Fitzroy, of the famously aristocratic Fitzroy Foundry family, was stopped by police for drunk driving just outside of Greenwich. He had swerved, he claimed, to miss a squirrel running out in the street with what looked like a walnut chest of drawers, possibly either George II or Chippendale... he couldn't tell because one of his headlights was out. The police impounded the vehicle, a 1930 Duesenberg, and only found the "faun-porn" in the back seat later. Fitzroy's family posted the $2 million bail and rushed him away from the onslaught of press and media clamoring for photos and tawdry tell-all stories.

8) Larabee, Idaho: "Blitzen" Billbathy, aka "Blizen", "Blit-sin", "Bizem", "Bison", and "Bosun"... wanted in several states for elaborate stock (and stockyard!) scams and for selling contaminated cans of fake venison to NRA sponsored charities. Bogus bond trading, real estate inflating, mortgage kiting, and arson charges alerted the state police, and he was apprehended after a brief snowball fight. No one was injured but the sheriff was gored in the... um... "central meso-buttocks area". He is expected to recover everything but his pride.

9) Reports of a 9th reindeer, drunk and with rosacea are still being investigated... Details at 6. Hoof prints at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas Bulletins From Out & About"... Wauseon, Ohio...

Breaking News from the Wilbur Wallerburton Elementary School Variety Players...

Mr. Herman Grabner, the drama teacher, has announced that for the Christmas Nativity Pageant, the role of King Herod will be played by Jeffy Chalmers because of his prematurely matured basso-baritone voice, and because his Ramses II costume is as close to a Judean King as the school can get right now with budget cuts.

Other cast members in the production include Carl Turph as Joseph, Mabel Haslip as the Virgin Mary, Georgie Malk as the sullen Innkeeper, his twin sister Inez as his grumpy wife, and Hester Dupling, Phil Kaston, Vera Buj, Nancy-Ann Norris, Perkin Gimph, Debbie Marcos, and several other grade schoolers as villagers, shepherds, local Bethlehem business persons, concerned and sore-afraid bystanders, and various animals milling about the stable, climbing over fences, and head-butting an annoying drummer boy, etc. The Hazleton triplets will play the three wise men; Stella, Dee-Dee, and Shirley-Jo as Balthazar, Melchior, and Caspar respectively…

Felix Mamburton returns yet again as the Angel of the Lord because of his unusual soprano voice which is still going strong even though Felix just celebrated his 17th birthday. Showtimes are at 6 and 10 with a cookie and hard cider reception after the later performance and a meet-the-cast question and answer symposium till midnight. Reservations are recommended… but may be ignored.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Aren't Folks Funny?"... Miss Mitzi and Her "Friend"...

A neighbor yelled, “There’s Mitzi! She’s got something on a leash!

Is that a cat, so round and black? And look! How hairy! Jeeesh!”.

Another cried, “You’re wrong! Dead WRONG! It clearly is a dog!

Some freakish breed from far-off lands, or just a damn hedge-hog!”.

Miss Myrtle Mae claimed, “It’s a wolf whose glands have run amok!”.

Then Sally-Ann said, “You’re a fool! It’s a wingless, no-billed duck!”.

Reverend Peek let out a gasp and crossed himself and swore,

“That beast is from the Bible. It’s Babylon’s curséd Whore!”.

Each person saw and made a guess at what the creature was;

A guinea pig, a stoat, a rat, a rolling piece of fuzz?

A marmoset, a caracal, a goblin shark, a sloth!

A praying mantis, spider crab, maybe a poodle moth?

A pangolin, a scotoplane, a kiwa hirasuta! 

An Italian alto passing by said “Whatever! Eeet’s so cuta!”.

Folks stumbled up to point and stare and claim they knew the truth;

“It’s a starnosed saber-tooth ocelot without its saber tooth!”.

The fervor climbed to fever-pitch, a stampede then did ensue.

Hollywood was notified. And Selznick sent a crew.

Each day that passed the numbers grew to wait in frenzied state.

As Mitzi with her little friend would stroll behind the gate.

And then one day, Miss Mitzi said, “The time has come, it’s clear.

I must address this panic that has filled their hearts with fear!

They point and scream and tear their clothes! They swear and bite their thumbs.

They push themselves against the wall and crush my favorite mums!!”.

So one bright morn, she made a plan to leave the gate ajar.

And as the crowds assembled, she beckoned them near and far.

“Come in, come in!”, she called to all. “It’s a day so very fine!

I’m just so thrilled to have you here! Meet my daughter, Clementine!”  

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Holiday Hospitality!”… reach out and touch someone!

Facebook Friends! During this Holiday season, won't you do your part to make everyone feel welcome?? At the Ice Cream Sociable, the Fruit-Cake Exchange, The Overseas Tollhouse Cookie Drive, or even the Office Mambo-Mixer, please make sure to ask that shy "wall-flower" for a spin on the dance floor. ...And nothing says "Merry Christmas" better than a dance card with YOUR name in it!!!!! Go on... she probably smells wonderful... even if holding her close does make you itch... or if she's infested with squirrels... (With thanks to George Sweet for the photo of Douglasina Furr!)

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Sybil Bruncheon's TV reminiscences... The ups and downs of "the little screen"...

You know, folks, at the end of every television season, I get kind of melancholy about all the amazing TV shows that I was cast in over the years... but that didn't make it past a season or two... or even the pilot. Ah well...

TOUCHED BY A CARROT (1971-1973): A nice lady gardener falls in love with a huge orange vegetable she has grown. After winning blue ribbons at county fairs, it abandons her and later runs for president. Comedy ensues.

TAMBOURINE MAN-GIRL (1969): A lady gym-teacher decides that dodgeball offers no fulfillment and takes up with a traveling jug-band as their bouncer. Sadly, her nickname is "Mr. Debbie".

MR. POOF'S PIXIES (1973-1974): A Saturday morning children's show involving cartoons, guest appearances by zoo animals, carnival clowns, and pain-free dentists. I was hired to teach table manners and ballroom dancing to the preschoolers in the live audiences. I often smelled of urine, especially when we did "Kiddie-Tango"...

BUT I LIKE VEGETABLES! (1978-1979): A spin-off of TOUCHED BY A CARROT. The lady gardener, now single but still nice, makes her own way into the world of politics as a vegan candidate for governor of an unnamed but cattle-centric state, probably Texas. Her carrot-lover, now president, has an on-again-off-again romance/rivalry with her. Comedy ensues.

WHATTSUP? (1975-1976): A lady teacher in an inner city school has heartwarming (and life-affirming!) adventures with a gang of quadriplegic graffiti-thugs. She turns their lives around by making them into Bergdorf-Goodman make-up artists to the rich and famous. They hold their tools in their mouths.

HEY, GURRRRRRRRRRL! (1981-1982): A spin-off of WHATTSUP?, the lady school teacher takes students who've lost their arms in bizarre shop-class accidents and opens a hair salon on the roof of Saks Fifth Avenue. They do color, cuts, and blow-outs using their feet. Also heartwarming and life-affirming.

SCHOOL'S OUT …AND BURNED TO THE GROUND (1982-1983): Broad sit-com set in an end-of-the-world dystopia. Lady school teacher opens orphanage for children and childish adults, and makes due with radishes, foraged styrofoam, and common sense. A message at the end of every one of the three completed episodes.

I MARRIED MY DOG (1983-1984): A nice but awkward young paleontologist claims his bichon-frisé, Bitzy, is his reincarnated fiancée and marries her. Comedy ensues when the police find him walking her in a collar, leash, and negligée. I provided Bitzy's voice.

ZORT & THE POOOSIES (1984-1985): A man from another planet lands in suburban Milwaukee and gets a job at a brewery. He forms a garage band with three beautiful policewomen and they solve crimes on the side. I played their housekeeper, Bertha.

I'M A KID! BITE ME (1985-1986): A nice lady from a Republican gardening club, bumps her head, and through amnesia, becomes a wacky neighborhood troublemaker with a slingshot and a penchant for practical jokes on her former friends. Comedy ensues when she burns down the statehouse.

HI! MY FACE IS ON A MILK CARTON (1987-1988): An eccentric lady-performance-artist in NYC's downtown art scene begins meeting and saving street urchins during her sidewalk presentations. Each week, she rescues a new child and starts them on a new life... comedy ensues along with heartwarming, life-affirming messages and mild violence and nudity.

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SYBIL'S STORY BOOK CORNER: An Irish Tradition...

Oh, Children!!...so many of you have said, "Please Mummie! Don't stop telling us stories of your Christmases from around the world!".... and I have said, "OKAY!".... Here's a charming tradition from Ireland where some of Mummie's funny relatives come from. On Christmas Eve at about 2 in the morning, children wait up to hear the sound of jingling bells and a knock on the door. Sometimes, it's a very loud knock, even pounding...and then some mumbling, or yelling...or yelling and singing. Or someone jingling bells... or keys, and yelling a song in a very grumpy voice. And maybe breaking things out on the front porch! When it finally stops, children peek out the window to see St. Nicholas, often accompanied by his friend Old Sooty McAshburn sleeping!! ... or at least lying quietly face down!! They've brought toys and sometimes candies or even funny drinks for all the good children to have. And when the children are sure that St. Nick and Sooty won't wake up, they tip toe carefully outside and quietly get the treats and dash quickly back inside and bolt the door. Of course, many older children don't believe in St. Nick or Sooty. They claim that it's just Daddy and a nice neighbor man dressed up having fun... and that when they fall down they have to "sleep off" their fun. What do YOU think, Children??

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