Sybil Bruncheon's Poems With Purpose for Pre-Schoolers!... "Sweet Little Suzy!"

Sweet Little Suzy wanted just to play
Pretending to do laundry and ironing all day.

Then there were the dishes and changing dolly’s clothes,
Tending to the garden and watering with a hose.

Vacuuming and dusting, then painting baby’s chair. 
Bath time for all seven and combing out their hair. 

No time to sit and chat with friends or have them by for tea. 
Suzy’s just exhausted. “No time”, she cries “For me!”.

Then there come the headaches. An all-day crying jag.
Suzy thinks she’s gaining weight and looking like a hag.

She forgets to feed her dolly, and starves the other six.
She trips upon her dollhouse and gives it several kicks.

And then one night of stress and woe, as all the family sleeps, 
Sleepless Suzy, wild and crazed, into the nursery creeps.

She looks around at ironing board and dolly cloths in stacks.
And crosses to her sleeping babes and kills them with an ax.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Poetical Pets & Proseries!... (with respectful apologies to T.S. Eliot)...

Kitty Cruthers liked to scamp and play his funny tricks!
Sometimes he’d give a savage scratch or maybe loving licks!

Hiding high up on a shelf to make a sudden leap!
And in the middle of the night, to wake you from your sleep!

Brushing china off the desk! And banging into glass.
Clawing silken sofa arms, or throwing up some grass.

Then laughing with his gangster pals who live down in the lane.
And yowling at a neighbor’s dog, who thought them quite insane.

Whene’er he peeked from 'neath a chair, no warning would he give.
Then Shriek and Hiss!... and flashing feet. Each claw a deadly shiv!

And now more laughter! Oh, what fun to maul a little boy.
And wreck Aunt Sally’s sandwich plate and chew the baby’s toy.

And snag a cashmere sweater now to pull it all apart.
Then rub and purr, and cuddle you, enough to break your heart!

But best beware that hiding wall where whiskers start to show,
For Kitty waits with eyes so black to have another go!

Oh, Lord above, why did you make a creature so malign?
Your judgment in this mystery we ne’er can quite divine.

(photo by Kathrin Federer)

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Sybil Bruncheon's Strange Tales That Stun & Stupefy... The Buick!

Miss Sally Ann Pretherton had saved up all her money for the first new car she had ever bought. No more "hand-me-downs" from the Used-Car lots for her. She was tired of the smirking, the "accidental brush-ups", and the not-so-subtle innuendoes of the oily car-lot salesman who tried to hide their wedding rings as they quoted her prices they claimed were a "special deal just for her, cause she were so pretty"!

She had asked her Dad what she should buy, and he said the new 1958 Buick Special was the car for her! And she adored the fact that "Special" was the name of the model because that's just how she felt as her dad drove it off the lot with her in the front seat and her best friend Carla in the backseat! She looked out the window at the swinging strings of lights and the yards of plastic bunting and ribbons tossing in the wind on that sunny February day! Was there anything as magical as a new car, twinkling in the bright sunlight and with that new car smell, racing down the open rode with the whole world lying ahead of you.

And then after about a mile or so, her father, normally so steady and solid let out a shrieking laugh at the top of his lungs and a maniacal look in his glowing green eyes! He punched the accelerator to the floor, and the new Buick surged to its full power and screeched down the highway! Faster! Faster! Faster than Sally Ann had ever gone or imagined... and then Carla joined in in the howling laughter!... Sally Ann desperately clutched the dashboard and turned, begging, to her father but he had become some sort of fiend, a horrible drooling fiend with grey claws where hands should be, raking where his hair had been and twisting the steering wheel this way and that. Suddenly, Sally Ann felt the gleaming new Buick shudder and lift, yes, LIFT off the ground, off the highway and veer sharply to the left over the vanishing ground below! Now her whimpered pleas to her dad also turned to shrieks, but shrieks of terror and madness to be met in turn by the diabolical cackling of her inhuman companions!... and it was then or shortly afterwards that the Buick crashed head-on!… into the moon.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Manners Are Nice" #39...

… Billy Jepner liked watching television with his family. His family was lucky to have one of the first TVs in their neighborhood, and the shows that came on were all very interesting! Some were funny, some were scary, some were about the world and grown-ups, and some were games where people could win money or nice prizes like washing machines, fur coats, or a lifetime supply of grape jelly. Billy's father was in the air force and could only come home for a couple of days every month, so his visits were very special. When his daddy came home, Billy and his two sisters were expected to be very polite and not to interrupt the adults while they talked.... especially about how the air force had told Billy's daddy about building the entire house under the back yard. Billy and his sisters missed looking out of windows, but they were very good at climbing down the ladder in the special hole, and they knew that living in their cave-house meant that they should try to be a little more quiet during meal time and television time. But they could throw a ball as hard as they wanted now... even against the cement walls... in the dark.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hysterical Histories"... Three Kings Day... an alternative history...

Yes, boys and girls, we all know the nice story of how the three wise men (or kings, as some people called them) came to Bethlehem to see the Holy family and the newborn baby in the manger. And even though Jesus was born in a stable with barnyard animals everywhere and bad smells, the three royal visitors brought very valuable gifts to him, (although we never DO actually find out what happened to those gifts later or if they were cashed in for money to help the family out or at least contribute to Jesus going to a good school in a better neighborhood!). At any rate, over the years, there have been rumors that Melchior, Balthazar, and Caspar might NOT have been the first (or only) three wise men to reach Mary, Joseph, and the blesséd savior on that special night. Here is one of the other possibilities now being suggested by both archaeologists and scriptural scholars.

The three "wise men" were actually called The Three Friskiccinos, a troop of former college pals who majored in beer, babes, and bocci balling at Babylonia U. After they graduated with degrees in macramé tent and brassiere making, they decided to tour the Middle East, and stumbled on the stable in Bethlehem when they needed a wall to relieve themselves behind. Hearing a bunch of animals making barnyard sounds and an annoying little boy banging on a drum, they peeked into a window and saw "the Nativity" scene. As inebriated as they were, they still recognized that something special was happening, and they felt compelled to help out in any way they could. They searched through their luggage for some sort of contributions they might make... and this was the result: from left, they were...

1) Anwar "Hardee Har Har" Gummswalloo who gave a bunch of Sumerian nudey-post cards, "that the little boy would grow up to appreciate hot babes, especially during Spring break on the Dead Sea!",
2) Joralemon "Bunko-Boy" Carobbash, who donated his little black book that "the kid will have a head start on his nursery school classmates when it comes to cool hangouts and the ladies that work there", and
3) Mr. Nancy Hottie-Hotep, popular drag performer from Alexandria who donated three of her bath robes, a pair of open-toed sandals, and a brand new lip stick "in case your boy grows up to like show-business and perform in front of large crowds!"... apparently, the gifts were graciously received by the new parents.

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Sybil Bruncheon's Poems With Purpose for Pre-Schoolers!... "Edgar Fitzwilly!"

Perpetually naughty and riddled with spite,
Edgar Fitzwilly was bad day and night!
He'd break all the dishes.
Vex everyone's wishes.
But was fine when he was tied out of sight!

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SYBIL'S CINEMA!... The "WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?" series... THE WAY WE WERE (1973)...

… I've proposed some epilogues to Hollywood to be shown after the credits roll on some well-loved films. Perfect for those stories and characters you just want to go on and on and on...

THE WAY WERE WERE (1973):… After 20 years, Hubble leaves his drunken, compulsive gambling wife (yep! the “perfect blonde, former Vogue model!), and moves back to NYC to be near his daughter, Rachel, who he has missed and who is a new mother. He accidentally runs into Katie at the Caffè Reggio, and she reveals that she is newly widowed. She and Hubbell end up living within a few blocks of each other in Greenwich Village and become very close again. Gradually, they fall back in love and open a cafe together of health food alternatives. They eventually move to the forefront of vegan cuisine, cruelty-free household and personal products, and make a fortune selling the first futons in America...

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SYBIL BRUNCHEON'S CINEMA!....The "WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?" series... MAME (1958)

I've proposed some epilogues to Hollywood to be shown after the credits roll on some well-loved films. Perfect for those stories and characters you just want to go on and on and on…

AUNTIE MAME (1958)… After Mame and her young grand-nephew Michael leave for India to greet "the water-oxen waiting at the gate", their plane is intercepted by flying saucers who abduct her to their planet Jah-ROOOM-bah! The citizens there make her their Queen even though she is extremely allergic to the xxy-lobbo-Zahs that they keep as house-pets. They consider her constant sneezing her "special language to the Gods". Nevertheless, she rules the Jah-ROOOM-banians wisely and with great finesse, teaching them new words that they don't understand at her intergalactic cocktail parties..... (sadly, it's discovered later that they ate little Michael at first sight thinking he was some sort of cookie before Mame could stop them!).... She never returns to Earth, and marries a Cah-Thusian, fascinated with his three hands, his ability to climb things, and his vast fortune in a gravity-free roller skate monopoly.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Hysterical Histories”... January 1st, 1920...

...ah, yes!! The famous "Quintzy Qake Quintuplets" from Vaudeville!! Qiki, Qatrina, Qinnie, Quooku, and Qizzy. They always dressed up in dessert costumes for their song and dance revues and were billed as "America's Sweetest Little Qupcakes"...

They headlined for the Orpheum circuit, and toured from the time they were 5 years old... Sadly, their luck began to suddenly change after their New Year’s Eve show! At 22 years of age, Qiki collapsed onstage! She had contracted diabetes from constantly snacking on her own buttons... Qinnie ended up a bulimic, secretly gorging on frosting and then vomiting onstage that night in a stream of bright blue much to the horror of the audience…

… Over the next months, two of the others went from a petite size 2 to size 2X... Qizzy literally started looking like a dancing wedding cake, and Qatrina was later described in the press as "The Hindenburg if it was made out of Butter Cream!"...

Quooku was the only sister who seemed to have left her show business career and the family tragedies and found happiness… she moved with a perfectly nice man to Quebec, Canada. It wasn’t until she turned 50 that local police realized she was the famous “pastry poisoner” who had been murdering traveling salesmen in her charming little Quooku’s Qu-afé!!!! She was the last Canadian woman to be sentenced to death… But she died consuming her last meal the night before. She choked on a stale “prison-issue” éclair…

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Sybil Bruncheon's HIT-OR-MISS HISTORIES! "Inventions That Failed"... the Bug-Begone Buggy...

My Uncle Sir Cedric Dumby-Phyfe tried his hand at inventing once in a while (when he wasn't being the jolly bon vivant at the race tracks and the cricket matches!) Among his more eccentric and actually quite entertaining creations was this one... You see, Uncle Cee-Cee (only I was allowed to call him that!) had an extraordinary collection of automobiles that he adored driving, or being driven about in! And his biggest pet peeve was the constant barrage of dead insects squishing themselves on the windshields! From Duesenbergs, Cords, and Isotta Fraschinis to Talbot-Lagos, Bugatti Royales, and Delahayes, one and all were peppered with bug corpses splattered over their timeless and limited edition lines. After only a mile, their iconic beauty was completely defaced in my Uncle's eyes, and he would turn back around from an evening drive and insist that his garage staff wash the entire vehicle down and rewax it before returning it to its particular berth in his "stable".

After one particularly frustrating evening, he determined to fight back, at least around his own estate which happened to have over seventy-five miles of cobblestone roads and avenues threading through it. He figured that if insects were always landing on windshields, he would use that against them by sucking them into a huge whirling blade. Cee-Cee spent a fortune on designers, engineers, electricians, and aerodynamicists to build his fleet. And once they were constructed, he hire his gardeners to drive round and round the estate, hour after hour, clearing the air of every mosquito, fly, grasshopper, moth, and stink bug that blundered into the blades.

Of course, the Bug-Begone Buggies (as he called them) required heavy hosing after every half-hour or so because the drivers couldn't see out of their own windshields. But they did seem to work... as long as Uncle Cedric was driving one of his treasured antique automobiles right behind two or three of them. It DID sort of spoil the beauty of an evening jaunt in a Bugatti or Delahaye; the clunky, clanking roar of the Bug Begone whirring up ahead, rattling, twitching, and dropping the odd bolt or loose screw here and there as it chewed a semi-bugless path for the great beauty gliding behind it. But Cee-Cee insisted on the Bug Begones remaining absolutely homely in their design, even comical, so as to "not distract from the timeless aesthetic of the great and iconic automobiles they were intended to protect" as he put it.

Of course, it wasn't perfect, but of all of Uncle Cedric's whimsical notions and foolhardy projects, I think this one gave him the greatest pleasure... well... this and his African Violet Hotel... but that’s a story for another time.

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