Sybil Bruncheon's "My Merry Memoirs!... He's not heavy! He's my... uh... brother(s)!!

Did I ever tell you about my brothers? You already know about my identical twin sister Dagmar, but I also have other siblings including two younger brothers; Szilvestre and Ivor… Do you have a younger brother? Well, there’s nothing worse than having him tease you, hide your stuff, play with your personal things… or perhaps even try them on!… well, multiply that by TWO!

Yep! That’s them! Szilvestre on the left and Ivor on the right! Dagmar and I weren’t sure which one was playing which of us, but it was one of the few times we were ever united on anything! And fortunately, our legs are much prettier… although I still maintain that Dagmar has a little… um… mustache problem!… sort of like Ivor’s… or is it Szilvestre?… whatever!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "I'm A Fan of Fabulous Films"...

I love thrillers!... suspense films that make you completely forget you're sitting in a movie theatre with hundreds of strangers or tucked into a blanket shivering away on your sofa in the dark! And there are so many different variations on the thriller genre; science fiction, horror, serial killers, slasher films, who-dunnits... oh, the list goes on and on! Here are a few of my favorites, and I would have added another ten or twenty, but a photo collage is only so big!…

If you’re having trouble with the titles of these great suspense films, the answers are directly below!

[Top row: PSYCHO (1960), THE USUAL SUSPECTS (1995), REAR WINDOW (1954). Middle row: CHINATOWN (1974), L.A. CONFIDENTIAL (1997), SEVEN (1995), THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE (1962). Bottom row: KLUTE (1971), JAWS (1975), THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991), THE SIXTH SENSE (1999)]

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Sybil Bruncheon's Strange Tales for St. Patrick's Day...

Fitzherbert O'Dunnoch the Duke of Sutcliffe-Welles and his wife Countess Cornelia had a terrible secret, kept through most of the 17th and 18th centuries... and only hinted at in the beginning of the 20th.. but by 1914 they were finally forced to emigrate from their native and much belovéd Ireland...

They were, in fact... Leprechauns!... tall, yes... but genetically Leprechauns, of very old, and respected lineage. Indeed, there was some evidence that they both, through very different bloodlines, were related to the very earliest Leprechaun royalty; perhaps even King Sheamus I... and Queen Fionulla the Fair. O'Dunnoch and his wife escaped persecution on the R.M.S. Queen of Ireland... Sadly, they perished along with 1,010 other passengers on May 29, 1914 when the ship collided with the Norwegian cargo ship, the Storstad near the mouth of the St. Lawrence River in Canada. With their deaths, no other evidence has been presented that Leprechauns still exist, although many people still suspect they are about, especially among show-business persons... and royalty of smallish nations. (postscript: O'Dunnuch and Cornelia died childless... or so we have been told...)

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Snapshots From Sybil Bruncheon's Scrapbook:

God dammit! Who found this old photo of me being stopped by Big Jim Flaherty for parking by a hydrant??... He was writing out my ticket when he noticed that one of my tail lights was broken... and then that I had the smell of Vick's cough syrup on my breath!... alright! ALRIGHT! I was SICK!... I had a little drinking problem, but I was completely able to walk a straight line down the sidewalk, and even skip the cracks!... well, until I got up to the hopscotch board that Stacey-May Entwhiler had drawn in chalk deliberately to screw me up so she could date Big Jim... (she was a conniving little BITCH!... even at 6..!!)

… so who could blame me when I ran her over at her 7th birthday party?

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Another Sybil Bruncheon Mini-Murder-Mystery... (for the short-attention-span crowd!)...

..."And it was there in the Library, M'Lord, that Lady Grenelle hid the beheaded corpse of her adoring husband for two days, even as she hosted a fox-hunting weekend for several of their friends! It was only when the body began to deteriorate, that it was found by the parlor maid in the log basket they had purchased on safari in Rhodesia… or was it Akron?"… The End.

This program was brought to you by a grant from the Minimal Reading & Thinking Council, the Moroni C. Unabelmann Trust, and by viewers like you! Thank you!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Aren't People Funny?"... The Forlornly Almost-Famous...

Top row – left to right…

1)   Kiki Karloff - distant great grandniece twice removed from Boris Karloff: She became famous (among Iowans!) as the Vegan Jams & Jellies champion at state and county fairs across the state. Her specialties involved taking any green vegetables and fruits and turning them into nutritious and faintly appetizing spreadables for her own gluten and flavor-free pastry “Non-Bakeables”! Her latest foray into licensing?... a facial mask, exfoliator, and make-up line made out of kale and peas… two unfortunate side-effects; an almost permanent green tinge to her users’ complexions… and severe gas…

2)   Skip Colgate - nephew, endlessly removed, through court interventions from his ancestor William Colgate (January 25, 1783 – March 25, 1857) founder of Colgate soaps and personal care products: Skip decided, after several unfortunate cases of tooth-extraction, often involuntary and during tricycle and dunking booth accidents, to develop the actual packaging of toothpaste. He felt that it could be more easily stacked in rectangular cardboard boxes. Sadly, the famously fresh Colgate flavor was adversely affected by damp, brown corrugated paper pulp… though it WAS more easily squeezed… if one didn’t mind minty hands…

3)   Wanda Wright – possible(?) great grand-niece of Wilbur and Orville Wright, pioneers of aviation and the airplane: Wanda had attended the Muriel Purt Academy of Fashion and Tasteful Accessorizing. After graduating with a straight C- average (with an emphasis on the word “average”) Wanda tried to honor her famous ancestors with a line of “Fly-able Fashions”. She designed an entire Fall line of flowing capes, big-sleeved cable-sweaters, chiffon trench-coats, helium-filled puffer parkas, and winged hats and shoes. Sadly, during her first outdoor fashion review, while modeling her own “Let’s Fly Away Chapeau”, a passing breeze lifted her off the literal “runway” and dropped her 40 yards away… into oncoming traffic. The critic from Vogue snarked that it was a “FALL” fashion review after all…

4)   Clint Chanel – claimant (unsuccessfully!) to the Chanel fortune: Clint spent most of his college years at the Hillsboro Institution of Advanced Pet-Grooming in partying, hosting marathon “keggers”, and annoying small dogs… and possibly rodents. He was introduced to the world of fashion by his older sister who happened to be a roommate of Wanda Wright at the Muriel Pert Academy (see above). Wondering out loud if there might be connection (and a lucrative one at that!) to a “Coco Chanel” he heard about, Clint gave up his animal grooming major and explored textile design and manufacture… first with animal clippings, lint, and dust bunnies and finally on himself. He was particularly focused on turning himself into a bouclé jacket… but without the itch factor. It seemed like a brilliant idea, and a solution for all the women who adored the aesthetic beauty of bouclé but were allergic to it… Unfortunately, poor Clint was mocked by his fraternity brothers and Lacrosse mates as being a “big mo”, and he gave up fashion innovation completely. His idea was later stolen and patented by Beth-Ann Versachi, a bearded lady in the Hepplemeyer Traveling Novelty Carnival. She netted about $111.89 from it… as wearable placemats… for picnics.

 

Middle row – left to right…

5)   Billy-Joe Tell – probably no relation to William Tell, folk hero of the Swiss legend and much-satirized cartoon overture. Billy-Joe nevertheless would sit in open spaces during lunch-breaks from his office-drudgery to invite other office workers in Akron, Ohio to throw fruit at his head for a small fee. He would charge them $5.00 for three chances with any fruit of their choice… tragically, while he was temporarily distracted by an agent for clowns and dunking booth careers, a semi-professional pitcher from the Toledo Mudhens hurled an over-ripe pineapple at Billy-Joe… he was killed instantly, hideously pricked and juiced to death.

6)   Oscar Mayer – (NO! REALLY!)… this Oscar Mayer claimed that he was somehow related to someone in the company and spent weeks camped out on the corporate headquarters steps in Chicago trying to get an appointment in the marketing division. Riffing on the company’s brilliant early idea of the Wiener Mobile (a giant hot dog and bun vehicle) driving around the country to major sporting and social events, THIS Oscar offered (for a fee!) to simply walk around the country promoting Oscar Mayer pure beef hot dogs. He suggested that he could invite himself to ball parks, shopping center openings, highway ribbon-cuttings, and 3rd grade birthday picnics… It seemed like a great idea, and the board of directors began to actually draw up the contract (with INDEED a hefty fee!) until the Summer of 1983… when an entire batch of over 3000 hot dogs was discovered with pubic hair inside the frankfurters! The recall nearly bankrupted the company, and it took years to recover its fine reputation. They failed again with their short-lived mustard cologne, “Je m’appelle Dijon”…

7)   Doug Von Trapp – pretender to the SOUND OF MUSIC Von Trapp legacy: Doug (later renaming himself Gahnef Von Trapp) made a marginal living claiming to be “the Unknown Von Trapp Child” at Vaudeville houses and on the burlesque comedy and carny circuits. Prancing about in baggy lederhosen and giant floppy clown-shoes he would yodel popular Patty Page songs in a screechy tenor while comically pickpocketing audience members he would invite onstage for pranks. After several years of struggle and inspired by the drag-example of Milton Berle on early television, Ganef-Doug changed his name and his costume to a female Von Trapp; Streudel Von Trapp, “the one with the eating disorder”. Struedel would still yodel, pickpocket and prank, but now she would conclude each performance by eating massive quantities of Austrian foods often brought by the audience; sacher tortes, cream puffs, sausages, chocolates, bratwursts, pots of cabbage soup, and on and on! Though now famous and fairly well-off,  “Struedel” eventually weighed over 612 pounds and was a full diabetic. His career ended a week before he was to appear on the Ed Sullivan Show in NYC along with the McGuire Sisters and Señor Wences, when he exploded while eating his tenth plate of Wienerschnitzel… the police were convinced it was the lingonberry jam that caused the fireball.

8)   Fabrizio Chesterfield – (no known relation to anyone famous): Young Fabrizio was raised mostly on the streets of Detroit’s Brightmoor ghetto. He started smoking at four, and drinking at 8, and distilling and distributing his own chocolate milk vodka at 14. His brilliance with chemicals and the process of making various household products inspired him to invent his own air-freshener. He took an assortment of alcohols he’d brewed, and then substituted the cigarettes for Binaca breath-sprays and… well… you get the idea. Sadly, the name “Fabreze” was too close to “Febreze”… but they DID buy his idea for a wall-mounted plug-in… for about $200.00… and change. He spent it all on Aqua-Velva.

9)   Margaret Nayvocks – claiming to be the rightful (but wronged!) heiress to the famous Magnavox television and appliance empire, Maggie became a runaway at 17 to NYC’s East Village and styled herself as an electrical “event artist”. She’d plug herself into a nightclub’s wall sockets with a series of taped together extension cords she’d shoplifted from going-out-of-business hardware stores along the Bowery, and then pole dance barefoot while haranguing the audience to spray her with seltzer bottles. It was during a particularly stormy night on Avenue C at the Caffé Pathetique Lounge, when she was simultaneously hosed, plugged in, and struck by lightning that her hair-braids suddenly became a fabulous TV antenna and people could watch the finals of the Poka-Ma-Hola Bowling Finals on the old Magnavox over the bar. The bowling match completely distracted everyone’s attention from her gyrations on the pole. The crowd only returned to her when Maggie’s head turned into a burning haystack.

 

Bottom row – left to right…

10) Debbie Galileo - great, great, great, great… oh lots of greats… grand daughter of Galileo di Vincenzo Bonaiuti de' Galilei (15 February 1564 – 8 January 1642) one of the earliest developers of the first telescope: As a tribute to her ultra-famous ancestor, Debbie has spent most of her life exploring alternatives to the traditional telescope.

11) Fred McMahon – claiming to be the brother of famous infomercial and TV-Sidekick yuck-meister Ed McMahon, Fred tried to glom onto Hollywood’s b-list at vegan barbecues, topless Weight-Watchers meetings, and backyard puppet-show fund-raisers for paraplegic pet charities. It was only when Johnny Carson, the great star himself, mistook Fred for Ed during a Tournament of Roses Parade that all Hell broke loose. Johnny called up his pals in the Rat Pack, specifically Frank Sinatra and took out a contract on him.

12) Jackie Koostow – next door neighbor to a woman who claimed to be the college roommate of the cleaning lady that Jacque Cousteau hired to keep his ship, the Calypso… um… shipshape: Jackie had been a child champion at the swimming and diving club at Kootchie-Koomie Summer camp and had dozens of medals and ribbons for her wins, but as she grew older, her competition began to out-race her. She didn’t seem to mind. She spent more time on her collection of aquariums and raising her exotic fish. Around the time she entered high school, she watched a special on TV called “The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau”. She became obsessed with his weekly adventures and the developing science of Oceanography, and she wrote to his production company to apply for a job. Amazingly, Jacques Cousteau actually responded himself… he suggested that she come to their central offices and have lunch with him and the board of directors. He had some ideas for the expanding options that were coming his way; magazine interviews, important press conferences with political leaders, and appearances on network  television! That specifically was where she might fit in! Can you imagine? Little Jackie Koostow! On television!! Well, she made the trip (all expenses paid!) to Cousteau’s home! And she sat with all the people who worked with him on his expeditions and projects… and they asked her about her life and background… and then… they suggested that she take all her experience and talent with swimming, aquariums, exotic fish and turn it all into a dream come true! And so, on prime time television, in scientific symposiums, and in Senate hearings and at state dinners with the President and foreign dignitaries, Little Jackie Cousteau (the spelling of her name was easily changed!) became “The Fabulous Fish Lady”!... her talent was to do impressions of the world’s most rare and endangered fish! And in classrooms across the country, children everywhere cheered her as their beloved “Guppy Girl”!!

13) Nick Roomenefski – long-lost (according to him!) heir to the Russian throne: Mr. Roomenefki, after a slight blow to the head during a Summer camp dodge-ball tournament, began claiming that he was not only Russian but also had survived the basement executions of Czar Nicholas II and his family in 1918. Okay… so firstly, the Roomenefskis had immigrated to NYC from Bulgaria as a nice Jewish tailoring family… in 1883! Secondly, young Nick was born in 1968 in Cedar Sinai Hospital!... with witnesses!!... and without a Russian accent!... which he only managed to come up with 15 minutes after the bump on his head at age ten… and NOT a very convincing accent at that!... and lastly; this whole notion of royalty only occurred to Nick after a tv showing of the film THE WIZARD OF OZ on an NBC affiliate station in Queens, NY. Poor impressionable Nick raided his mom’s bathroom for her hot rollers and her kitchen for a pair of oven mitts, and… well, the photo from the local children’s welfare agency says it all… On the other hand, Nick did rule over the children in his neighborhood with an even and compassionate hand, and, during his lengthy and peaceful reign, a new jungle-gym and swing set were allocated to their local playground.

14) Hiram Hires – self-styled inventor of the bottle-opener.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s Our Story Book Corner presents "The Funny Old Tool Shed"!

...and it was at that point that Professor Scawld seized the rusty axe by its handle and pulled it loose from old Mrs. Simpkins’ forehead! "HaHaHAAAAA!", he shrieked, "and now I'll have that piece of pound cake WITH the strawberry ice cream I asked so politely for, you damnable hag!". And he shared some of the delicious treat with Pinky, his jolly little hamster!..... Later, much later, poor little Pinky died when his scarf got caught in his running wheel…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Fascinating and Funny Phenomena!"...

A cephalophore (from the Greek for "head-carrier") is a saint who is generally depicted carrying his or her own head; in art, this was usually meant to signify that the subject in question had been martyred by beheading. One of the most intriguing aspects of stories of beheaded saints is that they all continue to live and carry their heads much to the horror of their executioners and witnesses. They speak at length, walking about, visiting various places, quoting scripture and invoking all sorts of reactions from onlookers. Interestingly, headless people walking and talking predates Christianity and has occurred for centuries in cultures all around the world!... is it surprising that many of them have happened to perfectly ordinary persons in everyday life? Here are a few examples… 

1)   Princess Alexis of Heinen-Swizeisis – 1140 AD. At eleven years of age, she was accidentally beheaded during an axe-throwing game at her birthday party. She abruptly stood up, and, to ease the obvious discomfort of her guests and their parents, declared that it “was time for cake”!... Of course, unable to blow out her own candles (though she tried for several minutes) she invited everyone “to make a wish”. Afterwards during the gift opening time, she bravely tried on a charming bonnet and scarf set, tying a rather fetching bow just under her chin…A good time was had by all… according to the manuscripts…

2)   Sister Maigretta Alspeth Yonzagreeve of the Perpetually Forlorn Lamb of Woe Nunnery – 1213 AD. Sister May (an acronym of her initials) was head harvestress among the nuns in the abbey… at 6’7” she swung an energetic scythe when gathering the grains in the Fall. Sadly, a novice under her tutelage, carelessly swooped when she should have swiped, and her untrained blade took May’s head off cleanly on a sunny October afternoon. Despite the horrified shrieks of her sister-nuns, May briskly picked up her own head, cradled it into the folds of her habit, and firmly but lovingly admonished the ladies to continue their work as the day was coming to a close. The last of the grain was cut, gathered, and tossed into a wagon, and all the sisters retired for tea and biscuits before their evening prayers. Sister May made a brief report to the Mother Superior although she attached no blame to the young novice. She went to bed and slept well… tucking her head into a drawer by her bedside so as not to roll over it in her sleep. She was scheduled to conduct the morning devotional, but bowed out due to a sore throat.

3)   Duke Dragomir II of Eastern Rumelia – 1479 AD. Notoriously handsome and an able athlete, Dragomir was especially fond of contact sports enhanced by obstacle course challenges… the more risky, the better. His own personal favorite invention was the infamously violent Obstacle-Course Cross-Country Croquet Tournament. It was in the final quarter of the Montenegran Open during an overtime penalty when Dragomir was struck from behind by an opposing team member with his mallet. It certainly gave the term “sudden death” a whole new meaning. Dragomir, however, got right up, searched for his head which had rolled down a hillock (but was tossed to him by a jolly team mate), and being a notoriously good sport, invited everyone back to the clubhouse lodge for ale and mutton-pops… with skittle-beetle chips.

4)   Peter Gallego – 1929 AD. A nice family man and self-employed plumber in Queens, NY, Mr. Gallego built his small hands-on business from scratch after immigrating to the USA. Opportunites came his way in the sleepy and safe neighborhood of Broad Channel, made up of houses built on piers and separated by canals. It was during a particularly foggy morning in June that “Leaky Pete” (his nickname from affectionate neighbors) forgot to duck as he was speeding to a house call in his small outboard motor boat. Passing under the timbers of Wesauckett Walk and Breakers Blvd. his head was lopped off cleanly and sailed 40’ into the rolling wake. A passing lobster skiff saw what happened and scooped his still spluttering head up in a net, coughing up some sea water, but none the worse for wear. Indeed, Gallego invited the lobster crew back to the Giggling Mermaid for beers. It was there when several patrons saw what had happened that Gallego’s career changed completely. Obviously unable to continue plumbing, a friend connected to the Vaudeville circuit, suggested that Pete meet a comedian-ventriloquist named Señor Wences, whose puppet/dummies included a little boy named Johnny. When Wences met Pete, he immediately came up with an idea for a disembodied head in a box named “Pedro”… and the punchline for jokes when the box door would flip open?... “S’ALRIGHT”… Leaky Pete made a fortune and became a star on the Ed Sullivan show. 

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Winter Woes & Warnings"...

...and so, as the Winter wore on day after day, week after week, and Kiki Sanderson's 40th Birthday drew near, Kiki began to slowly unravel. "Old!" she thought. "I'm getting old...and I'm.... bored!..... bored with myself….bored with this unending Winter. Maybe I'll throw myself a special Birthday party...a party that my friends will talk about and remember.... and remember how glamorous and clever I was! Oh YES! GLAMOROUS AND CLEVER!!!". ...and as she trailed off to the kitchen, she made the decision to make a delicious butter cream frosting and serve her own head as a Birthday cake to her friends...

("Now!! Where did I put those candles?... Gee, I hope someone blows me out right away!”…)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Our Little Peoples' Library"...

Hello, Boys & Girls! Do you like to read?... oh, I hope so! It's very nice to let our imaginations help create the stories we hear, as opposed to sitting like dumb-ass Uncle Alf, or Drunky Cousin Julie, (or maybe even your parents and let the TV do all the thinking for the day!) Here are three books that are currently in your school library, but don't let the titles fool you! They're a good deal more interesting than they sound!… and Mummie will tell you a few more fascinating details about each of them, but don't worry! I won't spoil the stories or the surprise endings...

THE ADVENTURES OF JERRY MUSKRAT: Published by the Bedtime Story Books Co. and written by Thornton W. Burgess (later tried and convicted of espionage against His Majesty's Royal Navy). Jerry, though a rodent, proves to be extremely clever and even infernally brilliant at tricking various other animals in the village of Little Puddle-Wink into mischief, mayhem... and finally, murder. Fully illustrated including this cover of Jerry giving a ride to Mayor Tim-Toad Terwilliger across Lake Loon. Unfortunately, toads are not very good swimmers, and Jerry has fooled Mayor Tim Toad into playing "Let's Ride A Submarine"... can you guess who's the submarine... and who isn’t?

THE PIE AND THE PATTY PAN by Beatrix Potter: An early story by Miss Potter, long before she found her fame with much more wholesome characters like Peter Rabbit and his bunny family! She had started her career not with animals but with inanimate objects that had become living, talking, anthropomorphized beings, often wearing clothes, holding jobs, and even engaging in questionable “adult practices”. Her first stories were directed at young girls and their education in housekeeping, mothering their dolls, and “lady arts”. THE PIE AND THE PATTY PAN sounded at first like some sort of story about cooking and dessert, but within a page or so, the Patty Pan revealed its desire to fiercely spank a perfectly innocent and trusting Pie… and in a fiery oven fully illustrated as a 9th circle of Hell, complete with demonic rolling pins and other kitchen utensils waving red hot forks over their heads. This book is NOT for the faint of heart… or for diabetics.

FRISKY SQUIRREL’S STORY: … by someone named Amy Prentice; The title, the cover art, the opening page… it all claimed to be a merry little children’s story, but the more you looked, the more dry, ordinary, almost banal it was. Indeed there was nothing frisky about the title character, his cohorts, the prose, the so-called plot and adventures… nothing. Cover to cover, it read more like an FBI dossier except with furry forest animals and their vegetable and flower pals; Mr. Howard Badger smuggled his next door neighbor Blackie Raven out of the basement with a briefcase full of hollow walnuts, Mrs. Gertrude Stoat confronted Fred Weasel about their history overseas in a petting zoo reserved for Ferrets and their associates, Lipshitz Lambkin escaped his pen disguised as an artichoke at three in the morning and informed the Bulb Council that a tulip was hiding in a bed of daffodils… possibly armed with a fully loaded carrot…

Just as each chapter would end, instead of a resolution there would be a short addendum claiming “More Information Is Pending.” Within a week of publication and release to Children’s Book Stores, there were claims that government officials, intelligence agencies, and foreign embassies were deciphering all sorts of top secret “intel” hidden in the remarkably dull tales. And code breakers by the hundreds were assigned the task of figuring out anagrams from the characters’ names. The best they could come up with included “Queer Pooterzj”, “Commy Pinqbottum”, and “Haz Coootie derr”.  Even the name Amy Prentice only turned into “May Pet Nicer”, or “Meant Pricey”, or “Prince Meaty”… whatever…

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