INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Julia Child.

Hollywood True Story!...... shortly after the release of the book "JULIE & JULIA" in 2002, the author, Julie Powell, began receiving strange hate mail scrawled in lipstick on torn out pages from cookbooks, specifically "low-end" ones like the Campbell's soup "Cook Everything With Cans & Cream Compendium", "Betty Crocker's Sexy Suppers", and the Readers' Digest "Banquets That Are Best For Your Bowels".... The letter crisis escalated to the point where the FBI stepped in to help the state police, but the perpetrator was too clever, mailing the letters from many different states and always using gloves to prevent any fingerprints from being traced. Eventually however, one of the particularly virulent letters arrived and aroused a new interest. While sitting on the desk of Chief Detective Gino Guarnarelli, the Italian-American cop noticed the delicious smell of Veau Caprice de Poulpe et de Guimauve Dans Une Croûte...and the unmistakable fragrance of a brilliant tomato sauce. Yes, apparently the letter writer had run out of lipstick and substituted what was handy!...and upon extensive chemical analysis, it turned out to be the exact sauce that was described so expertly in the newly released "I Am The Center Of The Universe Of Food - Volume 27".... by Julia Child. Although no one could ever suspect that the beloved icon of cooking would be involved in such a sordid scandal, police were sent to Child's home just for casual questioning... What answered the door however was too horrifying to be believed. Over 8' tall and howling, a fanged creature wielding a dead marmoset and a Delft rolling pin stood in the entryway. Police (that hadn't fainted dead away!) yelled several warnings but the hideous thing lumbered toward them shrieking what sounded like French being spoken by Eleanor Roosevelt....or Frankenstein. They reluctantly drew their weapons, but finally had to fire. It took over eighty-three rounds at point blank range to bring the grotesque monster down.... and it still managed to crawl another fourteen feet to a discarded bialy lying near the umbrella stand which it put into its mouth giving one last contented smile ...and a gurgled "yum" before it stopped. Forensic experts and a hazmat team descended on the house and quickly removed the body using a complete lockdown procedure on the neighborhood for a twelve block radius. With the FBI and state authorities involved, the story basically disappeared into a governmental black hole... not discussed in the press, and only whispered about in the highest circles of the intelligence community...and the executive offices of PBS. Interestingly that week, Julia Child herself was declared exhausted and in need of an extended rest overseas... she was going to travel, maybe stay with friends at a remote Lake Como palazzo..... or an estate in Provence. ...and then of course, she ..."died" at 92 years of age. Much loved and an icon of civility, sophistication, and warmth. ....or did she?

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Miss Muirtel-Mae Beechcroft.

Muirtel-Mae Beechcroft had come from extraordinary wealth, mostly acquired through the family's "patent medicine" empire featuring products like Pinch! (the famous laxative suppositories shaped like Disney cartoon characters) and Pizzy-Fit! (the fool-proof pet-stain remover). She had always been eccentric by the family's standards, and after attending pizza-throwing academy, air-conditioning repair school, and classes in gun and pet neutering, she finally seemed to find herself as a black-jack dealer at the Coiffeuro Bouffante College of Card Sciences. She graduated "summa cum laude" despite, or perhaps because of her six fingers on each hand. Her reputation as a shuffling-savant insured an offer from all the great casinos coast-to-coast, but she moved East to Atlantic City when Donald Trump offered her an exclusive and very cushy contract at the beginning of New Jersey's boardwalk resurgence. Sadly, like most schemes involving "easy money" and "dreams that cannot fail", Atlantic City gradually slid into needless extravagance, unpaid loans, bankruptcy, scandal, and humiliation, taking the innocent down with the guilty.... and no one was more innocent than Muritel-Mae. She was handed off from one abusive mobster-owner to another, passed around like a bottle of cheap liquor to be licked and guzzled and then on to the next burping, sneering thug with rough hands, beer breath, a four day old beard, and a stiff toupee made out of cotton candy!... finally, she ended up in a Veterans Hall down the shore at a Magician's convention for the Shriners. Her jobs included assisting various amateur and child magicians with their card tricks....and being sawed in half eight times a week in an act called "Mr. Mysterio-So Cuts His Cards!"..... her family never took her back.

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“Extraordinary Characters From Around The World!”.... Monsieur Meowr-cel La Chatte.

Monsieur Meowr-cel La Chatte had been a member of the French underground and fought the Nazis as one of the most ferocious espionage experts the French ever had. His weapons of choice were used kitty litter grenades that could empty a café in 30 seconds flat! He prided himself not only in their explosiveness, but also in disguising them as croissants fresh from the oven, a plate of escargot with savory garlic butter, a perfect chocolate soufflé, and even as a charming little chapeau from Madame Poissant's Sur Ma Petite Tête Shop!! Meowr-cel would howl with laughter when his grenades would explode causing confusion and screams of outrage in the occupied cafés as Nazis would scatter in all directions covered in poop when they had been expecting a tasty continental breakfast and a sweet photo in a beret by the Seine.....ah well! That's what they get for invading a masterpiece of human evolution like Paris and crossing paths with the sure-footed ruthlessness of the greatest "chat espionnageur ronronner" of all time.... He was later awarded the Silver Star de Fraternité Bonbonnière, the Legion of Poissons D'honneur, and the Distinguished Cross of Quiche Lorraine for Service to the Republic and the Citizenry. Sadly, with the end of the war, Meowr-cel slipped into an existential malaise, bored with the day-to-day drudgery of luncheons with admirers asking for suspenseful stories of his wartime exploits. As time went on, he left fewer and fewer dead sparrows at the back door to the Louvre cafeteria. He could be seen yowling old snatches of music hall songs near the Arc de Triomphe, purring inconsolably at table 6 in the Moulin Rouge, or urinating in an alleyway behind the No Exit Cafe. Finally, he turned to canned cat food from America and heavy doses of absinthe with his warm milk.... he was found dead at the age of 189 (that's 27 in human years! ….or is it the other way round??...whatever…)...after smoking a bad batch of catnip spiked with potpourri and Chanel 5... All of France mourned.

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Little Abner.

Even twenty-six days before Halloween, little Abner liked to sneak into Mother's dressing room and try on different looks for his Fairy-Queen ensemble!..... he already had his magic wand..... and the ax....

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Holiday Reminder!... A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT FROM P.E.T.A…

… is YOUR pet safe from the dangers of OVER-celebrating?"...

The heartbreak of alcohol abuse in the modern pet household... Does your pet drink privately when you're at work??... Have you ever seen your pet casually brush things off kitchen counters while staring at you... or pretend to read the newspaper, and then eat it?... Does he or she hide stashes of catnip or old smelly socks under sofas, in cardboard boxes, or buried in houseplants?... Does your four-legged friend cry inconsolably during broadcasts of the Westminster Kennel Club show... or old Nine Lives commercials??... Does your pet secretly entertain OTHER pets in your home when you're away on vacation, possibly while wearing a coconut brassiere and a grass skirt?... Have you found livestock-nudey magazines, kitten calendars, cassette tapes involving barnyard sounds, or OTHER pets' collars in YOUR underwear drawer???... Has your pet begun to wear make-up, very subtle at first, but gradually tending towards evening make-up for just a simple walk around the block in the morning?.. and finally lipstick way outside its lip line? These are all warning signs of the lonely downward spiral of pet-substance-abuse... don't let shame or "magical thinking" keep YOU from helping your loved one!!!! Act now!!!!!! Dial P-U-S-S-Y D-R-U-N-K today! That's right! Dial 787-793-7865....There's no time to waste!!!...

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Miss Gwenn Kootz.

Gwenn hated Halloween. She hated when the local children would soap her windows and drape toilet paper all through her bushes! And she hated when they set bags of dog poop on fire on her front porch. She wondered why children preferred candy to the little prayer poems she dropped into their baskets. The ones she wrote in crayon on small pieces of cardboard with smiley faces on them. ........ "Now what would scare them this year when I answer the door???....I wonder...". Gwenn stood in front of her mirror...and she got a plan....

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Master Cyrus Idlewild.

Little Cyrus began to feel too grown up to go trick-or-treating with the other neighborhood children. Dressing up as a vampire, a werewolf, or a mummy were "kid's stuff" in his sober opinion. He told his mother that he would prefer to be a British sailor...... worried that even a fine sailor suit might still elicit screams of horror and panic in the streets, she suggested a nice ghost made out of an old sheet might be better..... Cyrus decided to stay home and spend the evening looking through his microscope slides.

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From the Sybil Bruncheon files of "MEDICAL MYSTERIES & MARVELS":

MEDICAL UPDATE:.. Along with the terrible news about ebola , the zica virus, and covid becoming an international crisis, the A.M.A. has also announced the outbreak of the dreaded "Foot-Penis Syndrome" originating apparently in Saugatuck, Michigan. The first symptoms are itching in the groin area, gradually becoming a full-blown case of athlete's foot, and eventually evolving into the final anatomical deformity; a foot where the penis used to be! The only consolations in the disease are that it is relatively painless provided one wears a loafer or fleece-lined slipper during the "transition", preferably with a sock, and that the syndrome is of course confined only to men, and relatively...um, "gifted" ones at that. Sadly, as of now, it is considered irreversible. Do not confuse this malady with the very different "Penis-Foot Syndrome"…with its very… um… different outcome… so to speak.

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SATURDAY MORNING TV....The Early Days!

SATURDAY MORNING TV!!!! ...........Yes, boys and girls! Long before there were thousands of channels on cable, the internet, satellites and roof-top dishes or antennas, and pay-per-view, the very first TVs were very, VERY primitive. Before there were even TV boxes in the corner which were basically radios with small picture tubes that hissed and frizzled..... there was the "HUMAN TV"!!!..... Very wealthy families could afford to hire an actual person from the TV Store to come in for a prescheduled amount of time to "BE" the TV....doing a variety of shows for the entertainment of the viewers! Entire dinner parties and even charity galas would be planned around just such an event, and the very best and most talented HUMAN TVs would be able to perform a wide variety of programs....all spontaneously and at the drop of a hat! Soap operas, news broadcasts, situation comedies, medical dramas, gangster stories!!......And I will have to confess here and now, that when my career took a terrible blow from the Communist witch hunts and the HUAC trials, I TOO disguised myself and became a HUMAN TV. Yes, that's actually ME in my official HUMAN TV costume...I was able to perform in every genre, although my own particular specialties included talent contests with gongs and "applause-meters", missing person searches (usually unsuccessful!), rugby tournaments where I kicked my own shins and punched myself in the face, men's doubles Jai Alai matches in which I both partnered and also defeated myself, natural disasters with updated bulletins (fires and collapsing buildings were my specialty), stories about flying saucers with or without giant beetles, programs involving religious messages and even miracle cures, and nature programs with wild animals, safaris and stampedes (including appropriate sounds and smells!).... I was paid handsomely and often tipped extravagantly if I stayed after the parties and performed private....um.... "stag" programs for the gentlemen-viewers in their gaming rooms, although their cigar smoke would make me cough, and they would rush to change my "channels" with their rough manly hands. .....ah, good times... good times.

(Taken from Sybil Bruncheon's MOSTLY MERRY MEMOIRS, Chapter 17, "I Was A Human TV")

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DATELINE HOLLYWOOD - 1953 / Like Father, Like Daughter...

Dateline Hollywood - 1953: Thursday last, a Miss Felicity Woodsman was apprehended by local police for vagrancy, pick pocketing, and precious metal fencing. While in custody at the women's house of detention, she claimed that she was the daughter of a famous celebrity, the late Abner Woodsman of Oz who only last year was fatally injured in a smelter during a scrap metal drive. A prison matron mocked her claims, and, driven to violent outbursts and attacks on her jailers, Miss Woodsman was turned over to medical authorities who prescribed electro-convulsive therapy to ease her delusions. It was at that exact moment with the apparatus attached to her head that the resemblance to her father was spotted. Joyous amazement and cries of recognition filled the ward as medical personnel poured into the room!!....Sadly, someone tripped over a wire, bumped a switch, and the Baum Brand Braniac Bombarder was triggered. By the time someone pulled the extension cord out of the socket behind the ice machine, Miss Woodsman was completely unconscious. She remained in a semi-coma for ten days....but when she awoke she miraculously was able to sing the complete works of Irving Berlin and Harold Arlen.... Conversely, she developed an irrational fear of bicycles, small dogs, and water. She went on to live on a strict diet of crullers...and died of incendiary hay fever at the age of 47.

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