Sybil Bruncheon's NEW YEAR'S CELEBRATING: Before & After… A Cautionary “Tail”......

Oh, yes!! The party started out happily enough....a beautiful spread of delicacies, the right beverages, frisky music choices, festive party decorations, and games to play! But within an hour Melvin had grown bored and sullen. He began to reminisce about "missed mouse-opportunities" over the last 6 of his lives. Sulking, he slunk off to a corner and could not be cheered or engaged, either by a laser-pointer or a giant catnip toy shaped like Charlie the Tuna.

Gino, usually a big flirt on the back fence and always handy with a funny anecdote, descended into unwarranted bullying, face smacking, making stupid puns, and poking Melvin with his party hat. It only made Melvin sadder and he started yowling "The Legend of Billy McCaw" and miming sword fights with the curtains, which soon came down in a heap... causing more yowling, and even some spitting!

Big Clem, had started out the evening asleep in the chip bowl, and seemed content to remain there, snoring through all the drama… and the Fritos. But now, as the party became a nightmare, he added to the ruckus by snoring and FARTING... loudly.... and almost "musically", although it frightened most of the ladies present, and confused the guests over by the cheese tray.

And Handsome Herbie, always showing off his good looks and poise, ended up overindulging and vomiting into his hat!.... The whole evening basically "went to the dogs"!!

Please folks, use some sensible restraint tonight! Urge your cats to drink responsibly, or to assign a designated driver! DON'T let this happen to you!!! If you think you need help with YOUR unruly pussy, dial K-I-T-T-Y-K-A-O-S-S…that’s right, just dial 548-895-2677. The nice man will tell you how to order…or how to wrangle your cats.

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Tour-ette St. Petersburg 1/2/2019

Sybil Bruncheon takes you on a little tour-ette for lunch after the pool at the St. Petersburg Carillon Hilton... yum.

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Sybil's New Year!… NEW CAREER!... "Hair today! Hair TOMORROW!"...

Friends, with the Christmas rush behind us and the bright New Year looming ahead, perhaps you've thought about a New Career as well! How about the glamorous and exciting adventures to be found as a home-hair colorist for Garnier Nutrisse!?!?...

Now you too can help all sorts of ladies (and even some unmarried-as-yet middle-aged gentlemen!) to enhance their natural beauty through the science and art of tips and frosting!! ...and for an extra $19.95, we'll throw in a three-week course in "Get The Grey Out, Without Getting The Hair Out!", "Black Is The New Black For Funeral-Dos",  "The Perfect Back-To-School Auburn For Your Tween!", and "Getting The Curtains To Match The Drapes...and That Little Mustache Problem Too!".......

Now you can be the star at next Christmas' family gathering when you bring your case of professional-looking tools and do everyone's holiday make-over right in the kitchen sink! The ooohs and ahhhs that you'll receive will be all the presents you need!! Just call our switchboard now!! ... Dial I-A-M W-O-R-T-H I-T.. that's right, dial 426-679-8448. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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Sybil's New Year!... NEW CAREER!... "An EYE for success!"...

Friends, with the Christmas rush behind us and the bright New Year looming ahead, perhaps you've thought about a New Career as well! How about the glamorous and exciting adventures to be found behind a make-up counter for Maybelline!?!?... 

Now you too can help all sorts of ladies (and even some unmarried-as-yet middle-aged gentlemen!) to enhance their natural beauty through the science and art of mascara!!... and for an extra $19.95, we'll throw in a three-week course in "Shadows & Liners", "Eyelash Curlers - Yes or No?", "Flip Your Lid-S", "Be A Good PUPIL", and "Pink Eye! Itchy, Itchy, Bitchy!".... 

Now you can be the star at next Christmas' family gathering when you bring your case of professional-looking tools and do everyone's holiday make-over right at the table! The ooohs and ahhhs that you'll receive will be all the presents you need!! Just call our switchboard now!! ...and we mean NOW! Dial I-M N-O-T P-O-K-E-Y.. that's right, dial 466-687-6539. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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Sybil's "Post-Holiday Pet-Bulletins!"... It's come to our attention...

Friends!!!.... do you have a cat in your household which you, regretfully, consider more likely to be naughty than nice during the Holiday season? It has come to our attention that many felines disguise themselves on Christmas Eve, in anticipation of Santa's arrival in the home.... their reasons include seeing presents before the rest of the household (and perhaps even tearing them open!), bargaining or haggling with Santa about the quantity and type of gifts being left to them, and (most egregious of all!) demanding additional paper bags, cardboard boxes, and wrapping material to be tossed and littered about before morning, resulting in owners tripping, falling down stairs, or even burning to death in fires... often set by the naughty kitties themselves with matches and expensive brandy....It's best that you face these unfortunate possibilities now before it's too late. The signs are obvious. Does your cat pretend to be an edible Christmas treat giving itself a powdered sugar facial, strategically placed "sprinkles", or a head-to-toe mayo and mustard shmear with optional pickle? Has your kitty ever decided to become a furnishing of some sort; a purring throw pillow, a curtain tie-back, or a table lamp with a perpetually blown-out light bulb? Does your cat try to change its shape...and pour itself into various things that bend it into a cube, a sphere, a cone, or a tetrahedron? Does your cat pretend to be suddenly blind thinking that a blind person's glasses means that OTHER people can't see the CAT!? (yes...stupid, we know!) If you feel any of these animal-anomalies may be present in your home, it's best to act! If not for your sake or your family's... then for Santa's sake. Dear God, for Santa's sake!! Our booklet and special tools can save Christmas...for everyone! Pick up your phone and dial K-R-A Z-Y P-U-R-R-S-N... that's right, dial 572-097-8777. ...and leave the last "N" off for "NICE"! The "NICE" man will tell you how to order. 

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New Year?... New YOU!!!... Sybil's Slimming Secrets!

Friends!!..are you already suffering that Holiday Heftiness that comes with cold weather and too much munching??? Do rowdy neighborhood bullies throw the jumbo-sized snowballs at you and yell, "Hey there, Fatty!". Did you receive a Christmas card addressed to "Ebenezer HUUUGE"???? Did a well-meaning hostess accidentally offer you a big slice of "PLUMP Pudding"???? Have you ever walked by a school bus and had 30 children scream hysterically that "Frosty the Snowman is trying to escape!"???.

... well..... ...Now YOU can have the slim, trim, and charming figure that you've envied in others who NEVER seem to put on any weight no matter how much they binge at Grandma's table! Christmas cookies, cakes, and candy are no match for Madame Dowding of Charing Cross Road and her band of blacksmithing elves. They can custom fit you for an "Invincible Corset" modeled on your own body in July and keep you looking just that way straight through the New Year! (And we have special models for the Man-Of-The-House too! It's called our "Hey There, SLIM!" line... Ask for it by name!) Call now for a consultation and a free estimate! Just dial I-A-M-J-I-G-G-G-L-Y....that's 426-544-4459. The nice man will tell you how to order!!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “After Christmas News From Out And About”: December 28th….. Dinner at the Shmedley's house...

Edwin Shmedley and his charming family had spent a delightful Christmas holiday with family, friends, and even his boss Mr. Porther and his garrulous though big-hearted wife Adele. Everything in Edwin’s life seemed to be perfect; his job and relations with his co-workers and clients, his home life (he adored his wife Brenda and their three children, of course, but even his in-laws were a pleasure!) Everything he touched and everything he had seemed to be blessed…and so, on this lovely evening of December 28th, 1956, as he and his loved ones gathered for dinner and talked excitedly about the New Year of 1957 just a few days away, it was so startling when the shadows behind them all at the dinner table began to move…. ON THEIR OWN! It started with the children’s shadows waving their arms wildly over their shadow-heads, and then Brenda’s shadow also waving frantically before it fell to the ground, and Edwin’s shadow!... standing suddenly and waving its arms about with ----- was that a shadow axe in its hands?!?.......

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Sybil Bruncheon's "New Opportunities in the NEW YEAR!"....

Friends!! Do you want to earn more money?... Sure! We all do! 

What if we told you that a whole new world of adventure, opportunity, and interesting people is waiting for you IF you're willing to make just one phone call to our switchboard TODAY!...Yes, you too can join all sorts of ladies and gentlemen in the wonderful career of opening your own BACKYARD MENTAL HOSPITAL!! Take a close look at the smiling faces of these happy proprietors who started their own home-made institution for the insane with just a small down payment, a few classes for certification, an abandoned building with a fairly good roof, and fifty cans of baked beans. And imagine the relief of your friends and neighbors who've longed for a place to send quarrelsome Aunt Lily, Cousin Fred the Stealer, Old Mrs. Cranston who smells of urine and vanilla extract… or perhaps even your own mother?!?… I DID!  

And think of all the fascinating people you’ll meet at your own Backyard Mental Hospital conventions too! With no tiresome lectures and seminars from actual medical people or boring old scientists and researchers! Just maybe some cute nurses, male or female! (wink! wink! nudge! nudge!) YES! Three-day weekends with cool couples who’ve also opened their own looney-bins, and maybe have even started franchises. Talk about opportunities! Wouldn't it be nice to pull in some extra cash in your spare time? Well now you can! Just call our switchboard right now for your own certification kit, directions on making jumbo portions of cafeteria food, blueprints for your own personal padded cell, and a list of bulk wholesalers for toilet paper, laundry soap, adult diapers, bandages, and Thorazine. Did you know you can create your own electro-shock set-up from an old toaster and some frayed extension cords? Did you know you can make a whirlpool bath from a child’s inflatable pool and an electric fan? Did you know that eleven oven mitts can be re-sewn into a fairly effective strait jacket? Well, you do now!

 Just pick up the phone and dial K-O-O-K-Y-D-O-U-G-H..... That's right, dial 566-593-6844. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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New Year's DREAD!!!

Friends!!... Does the thought of a "New Year" terrify you?… Do you dread that first day back at the office after the Holiday whirlwind?... Do you find yourself drumming the table, biting your fingernails, drinking and smoking more?... Are you unable to sleep?... AT ALL??.. well, "New Year's Insomnia" IS a medical condition now recognized by the medical profession and by the International Fellowship of Sleep Researchers. Why should you suffer the destructive consequences of sleep-deprivation which can include poor workplace judgement, bad parenting, dietary catastrophes, work and family faux pas, birthday and anniversary forgetfulness, and make-up and fashion tragedies!! Our set of twelve booklets and special sleep-aids will sail you off to Dreamland!! Just call D-O-R-M-E-Z V-O-U-S!!...that's right, dial 367-630-8687. The nice man will tell you how to order...and he might even tuck you in.   

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas, and the morning-after"...

Police Blotters across the country... a reindeer's life isn't all glamour!

1) Franklin Falls, Maine: "Dasher" O'Rourke caught outside the Mr. Inkster Tattoo Pad seriously inebriated and yelling that the new tattoo on his left hindquarter was misspelled from "Look At My Holly" to "Look At My Holey".

2) Ganesford, Iowa: "Dancer" Dunigan arrested inside the Could Care Less All-Night Carousel clad only in a coconut brassiere and grass skirt, pole dancing for a large contingent of heterosexual Danish sailors. Dunigan had made several inappropriate and graphic advances of a sexaul nature on the patrons, and threatened to gore many of them if they didn't show him their "pastries". In the cruiser, he collapsed and was rushed to the Ganesford Petting zoo in a diabetic coma.

3) Feldspar, Arizona: "Prancer" Dunigan, twin brother to Dancer, returned quietly after his annual Christmas marathon only to find his home burglarized and occupied by three hoodlums from The Elfa-Bets, the infamous numbers racketeers and Ponzi-schemers. They had vandalized his entire home, and destroyed his collections of Lladro Hans Christian Andersen fairy-tale characters and his Hummels of El Greco saints. The police arrived right after he had taken an antique blunderbuss down from the fireplace mantel and blew the three little elves to the Land Of Nod. The coroner pronounced them dead at the scene. Charges are pending.

4) Pleasant Hill, Montana: "Vixen" Wilcox was arrested with an entire crowd of head-bangers and Mary Kay salesladies during a meth-lab/mah-jongg gambling ring raid. Handcuffed in a chain of thirty other miscreants, he pleaded with the officers and various cattle-wranglers that he didn't understand why other players kept yelling "Crack" and "Bam"... his bail is set at $25,000 in cash or candy canes.

5) Minnehaha Village, Minnesota: "Comet" Banton was found unconscious in an alley behind the Minnehaha Grain & Feed Emporium with an overturned jug of corn-liquor beside him. He was only identified by Cliff Spurgeon, the on-duty manager of the local AA shelter, since his wallet and bridle had been stolen. Instead of arresting Banton, the police left him at the shelter to sleep it off, and have a hearty meal of hay in the morning... if he could keep it down. Banton rolled his eyes and told the cops, "You know what Comet rhymes with, right?".

6) Jonquil Junction, Delaware: "Cupid" Connors, formerly a trusted family man now has one of the longest rap sheets among the ruminant crowd. Left by his wife last Christmas, it was revealed in February that he had been married thirty-seven times before, and in fourteen countries!... and that he had skipped out on all alimony and child support cases. He was picked up by police at the Cuddly Corner Diner having a cup of hot chocolate with their night shift waitress Bernice Cubbins. She reported that he had proposed they elope to the North Pole later after her shift.

7) Abenrathy Place, Connecticut: "Donner" Fitzroy, of the famously aristocratic Fitzroy Foundry family, was stopped by police for drunk driving just outside of Greenwich. He had swerved, he claimed, to miss a squirrel running out in the street with what looked like a walnut chest of drawers, possibly either George II or Chippendale... he couldn't tell because one of his headlights was out. The police impounded the vehicle, a 1930 Duesenberg, and only found the "faun-porn" in the back seat later. Fitzroy's family posted the $2 million bail and rushed him away from the onslaught of press and media clamoring for photos and tawdry tell-all stories.

8) Larabee, Idaho: "Blitzen" Billbathy, aka "Blizen", "Blit-sin", "Bizem", "Bison", and "Bosun"... wanted in several states for elaborate stock (and stockyard!) scams and for selling contaminated cans of fake venison to NRA sponsored charities. Bogus bond trading, real estate inflating, mortgage kiting, and arson charges alerted the state police, and he was apprehended after a brief snowball fight. No one was injured but the sheriff was gored in the... um... "central meso-buttocks area". He is expected to recover everything but his pride.

9) Reports of a 9th reindeer, drunk and with rosacea are still being investigated... Details at 6. Hoof prints at 11.

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