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Gilt and Guilty in the Gilded Age... "Speak! Speak!”
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Byron Frithers had been one of the chauffeurs working for the Withingtons for years, and his family went back generations serving their family in various capacities. He knew many tightly-held secrets, and, like a loyal employee, kept them strictly to himself. Because of that, and his family’s unfailing loyalty, he was treated with the greatest affection. He drove every member of the family on every occasion, from the greatest to the smallest… including Beauty Parlor Day which usually fell on Wednesdays. As an excellent servant, he kept his opinions to himself and managed never, ever to snicker at their expense. One day, Lady Marjorie’s hair-do reached new heights of absurdity, but he kept his eyes straight ahead and focused only on her conversation and the road in front of them. Of course, he did keep thinking to himself, “But that nose has got to go… and the drooling!”.
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Gilt and Guilty in the Gilded Age... "You'll Catch Your Death"
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Lady Maybelle Duckwirth had purchased the extremely rare and expensive 1906 Krieger Electric Landaulet for her husband Roybert on his 63rd Birthday. Imagine! It could go 22 mph in just 2 minutes and only needed to be recharged once a day so that it could run for an entire hour. Roybert was thrilled when the two chauffeurs presented it to him in their ten-car garage. (Two chaffeurs were needed in case of fires and explosions!) Roybert did complain that it seemed like newly invented automobiles seemed to all be open-air, at which point Maybelle burst into tears and sobbed about “ingratitude”, and “the chauffeurs don’t seem to mind”, and “why would you want to spoil the sleek design with a roof”, and “you just don’t want me to show off my new chappeau”, etc., etc. Roybert was taken aback and immediately soothed his wife’s hurt feelings. At that point it began to rain lightly, then quite heavily, and within the week, Lord Duckwirth had died of double pneumonia. Lady Duckwirth later married the 23 year-old chauffeur on the left.
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Gilt and Guilty in the Gilded Age... "The Bumpy Ride"
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Later that very afternoon, Sir Cedric Chalmers plunged over the nearby cliff at Punskins Crossings in that very same one-horse charboose. His young wife, Millie, happened to have stepped out of the little carriage to pick some Forget-Me-Nots for his lapel. Her tears at the inquest and her three fainting spells during the proceedings convinced the all-male-and-elderly jury... despite the fact that she had been married to Sir Cedric for only 28 hours.
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Tour-ette from the garden in Cherry Grove...
/Fall is here and as gorgeous as can be! 9/29/2019...
Sybil's "Rosh Hashanah Mishaps of Yesteryear"... Episode 3 …
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...I'm reminded of the time that my charming neighbors Ednetta Davis and her devoted daughter Rachel decided to prepare a quiet Rosh Hashanah dinner for just themselves in their studio apartment in Far Rockaway! They carefully made all the arrangements; the special scented candles, the "Golden Delicious" apples, the special lavender honey, pomegranates, cous-cous with seven vegetables, challah bread, gefilte fish, matzo ball soup, brisket and roast chicken, potato kugel, tzimmes complete with sweet potatoes, and dates and honey cakes for dessert. And of course, an assortment of elegant wines for each course!
Oh, they had spared no expense for their little feast, and on their limited income too, but Rachel didn't want to make her elderly mother feel guilty for all the extravagance. The dinner cost her two week's salary as a substitute art teacher at the elementary school down the street. It was all going so well, until Ednetta decided to hold the dinner in the kitchen until Elijah arrived to fill the empty chair. Rachel tried gently to explain to her sweet but addled mother that Elijah is waited for on Passover, not Rosh Hashanah... and that it's just a tradition, but that he never actually comes to the table. At that point, Ednetta became very agitated and began yelling Elijah's name out their window overlooking the corner of Mott Avenue and Gateway Blvd. Her escalating screaming attracted a crowd and finally the police who had to intervene and take her to Bezalel Hospital for observation.
Poor Rachel. She blew out all the candles, turned off the oven, and left the dinner completely untouched. She didn't have the heart to remind her mother that they were actually Presbyterians... Oh well, I wish all of you a L'shana Tovah!
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Sybil's "Rosh Hashanah Mishaps of Yesteryear"... Episode 2...
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… I'm reminded of the time that I was invited to Ilias Roesen's home for their Rosh Hashanah celebration. Ilias came from a long line of well-respected cantors and also great vaudeville performers. We had just lit the candles and heard the lovely prayers read by Ilias' two young daughters (and done with great feeling and solemnity too! They were perfect!)... then the sliced apples and honey were served when suddenly, the door to the pantry was kicked open and from behind it came Shaynie "Koo-Koo" Kroytkop, a noted radio comedienne and burlesque star honking an old bicycle horn. She had even brought her own floor mic although it was not plugged in!... and why should it be? Shaynie's voice was said to rival Ethel Merman's, even when whispering! Anyway, she began singing snatches of old shanty tunes and reciting traveling salesman-meets-the-farm-girl embellished by highly accurate barnyard sounds and poses. Ilias and the male members of the family were up on their feet once they gathered their shocked senses, and hustled Koo-Koo out onto the backporch where an ambulance arrived shortly afterwards. The last thing we heard Miss Kroytkop yelling was, “And why shouldn't I be a lady-mohel? Huh? Tell me that! WHY NOT?!?"... Oh well, I wish all of you a L'shana Tovah!
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Sybil's "Rosh Hashanah Mishaps of Yesteryear"... Episode 1...
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... I'm reminded of the time that I was invited to my friend Millie Murmelstein's lovely home for a wonderful Rosh Hashanah dinner. Millie had family and friends coming, about 20 of us sitting at a gorgeously set table. It all started out beautifully, but then it began to run late. We noticed weird humming and then screechy singing coming from the kitchen, finally punctuated by several crashes and yowling laughter... we all ran in to find Millie's new cook, Miss Galena O'Grady, thoroughly drunk and "tasting the main cairse to see if i' twas goood enoof for the nice gaists", as she put it. Apparently, Millie had hired Miss O'Grady from an agency that specialized in burlesque, circus, and carnival performers who "had fallen on hard times". Miss O'Grady's specialty had been as a... um... Carny Geek. You can imagine the kerfuffle that ensued!... Oh well, I wish all of you a L'shana Tovah!
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Sybil's "Fun & Funny Stories From The Revolution!"...
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The bonfire is the only decent home for him now... along with his bug-wife and the entire skank-litter. Under NO circumstances should any of them be separated from the others as families have been broken up at the Mexican border. No! They should remain united as they're... um... "relocated" into the flames. Period…
His bug-wife has begged to be spared, and after all, what has she done other than to be a cheap naked floozy from Vulgaria, or Snatchatola, or... Akron... whatever. No. Since she is friendly with her lady-parts, give her a balloon and a feather and let her do the hootchy-kootch for the USO…
His two oldest sons are clearly either rabid or mentally deficient... or both. Look at their drooling, hang-dog expressions, the flatness in the grinning eyes, and the neighing and mumbling when they speak. They are fit only to be used as piñatas and to be hit with sticks until either candy or poops come out. Period…
His younger children from an assortment of floozy-mothers and collaborators are also an issue. Are they guilty of any actual crimes? I say NO!... BUT! They are perfect for the factories where they can knit sweaters... or labor near huge machines with whirring gears, banging levers, and sharp edges. Or perhaps they enjoy circuses and carnivals!!! Are there no Dunk-The-Clown booths that need... um... "dunk-ettes"?... "dunkle-tinas"... "dunskins"...whatever. Take them away.
I feel I must draw the Revolutionary Tribunal's attention to the fact that his so-called "personal attorney" has been examined. He was discovered just this morning in his prison cell to be sporting a pair of horns and a bright red tail with a sharp point at the end. We suggest that both the horns and tail should be immediately scissored OFF, with or without anesthesia. Sadly, there is nothing we can do about the sulfur smell in the cell. Does anyone on the committee have a can of Febreze? (to be continued)
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Sybil's "MY MERRY MEMOIRS"... my sister Dagmar and her mischief...
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That is my identical twin sister Dagmar pushing our younger brother Hector in his new toy Isotta-Fraschini race car. It had a real motor and ran on either extra-virgin olive oil from the Corleone groves or on Guerlain's "Perruche Dérangée", 6oz. per mile. Sadly, the Guerlain perfume was highly flammable and we lost the little car in an explosion right after this photo was taken, when Dagmar managed to push it and little Hector under the wheels of that Monsieur Softée Ice Cream truck driven by Kenny Snodgrass. It was never clear why exactly an eleven year old would be driving an ice cream truck through Paris at rush-hour, but then with child labor laws at that time, it's hardly surprising, is it? Fortunately, when the Isotta-Fraschini exploded, little Hector was thrown clear, and he was easily comforted with several Creamsicles from Kenny's wrecked ice-box… And don't worry! Kenny was fully insured. The Snodgrasses were nobody's fools.
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