Sybil Bruncheon’s “Just My Opinion!”…

Has anyone seen the notices that someone is giving away free IPADS?? No one ever gives me anything for free! And I never win things either! Someone may as well be posting that they're giving me the State of Hawaii and "time's running out!!!"... all I need to do is give them my credit card number, and some prince in Nigeria will see that I get Hawaii in the mail…

(Sybil photo by Jack D. Pedota. Styled by Susan Suka Taylor)

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Facebook Friends”!…

Do you receive strange or even funny "Friendship Requests" on Facebook?? I receive ones like this fairly frequently. Here's a typical interaction:

Mamjara Fatty: Thank you for been my friend May God bless you an your family am glad to meet a great kind person like you so how are you doing an your family So how are you doing over there?

Sybil: I'm doing fine....working and traveling for work all over the country. Take a look at my pages to see what and where I go.

Mamjara Fatty: Thats nice My friend for me am not much fine am very sad an worried today my friend Because our food is finish we don't have any one to help us to buy food an eat that since we lose our parents we are lack of my friend I will like u to help us it will not cost you if u don't mine I can tell you how much it will cost you God will be really happy if u try an help us my friend it will not cost you If you don't mine I can tell you how much it will cost you.

Sybil: Oh... well, I don't have money either, but I was hoping when you asked to be my friend here on Facebook, that you could send me money. Every month. How much would you like to send me????

Mamjarra Fatty: (silence)

Sybil: God will be very happy with you if you send me $1000 every month...

Mamjarra Fatty: (prolonged silence)

Sybil: ... or better yet, EVERY WEEK. $1000 every week!!!

Mamjarra Fatty: (very prolonged silence... presumably forever)

The End (for now...)

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Lame Comments On My Facebook Pages”... #2

So I post stories attached to funny, odd, and startling photos, but I continue to get the most incongruous, unrelated, and tangential comments left on them... People don't actually read my writing, they just look and post the first thing that comes to mind, (often with no evidence that they have an organ that would function as a "mind"). Periodically, I dump idlers, dunces, and simpletons from my FB "friends" list for these annoying and boring infractions... or I refer them (permanently!) to my "Pictures Only" pages where they can stare, point, and even color on the computer screen with their Crayola 6-Color set... and drool... whatever.

Here is a photo which I constructed a whole story for, and here are some of the comments that were left by FB folks... Judge for yourself. (Profuse apologies if I posted YOUR comment here for public scrutiny!)…

1) I get motion-sickness especially if I ride backwards on a bus... or a horse.

2) Two things: Why is the extra fabric on my prom-gown called "a train"... and should I put a train on my favorite bell-bottom jeans?

3) I've never actually heard any train say "choo choo"... only my Aunt Delia when she sneezes... oh, and my chihuahua, Señor Frisky when he's having sex.

4) I'm afraid of flying... even on a train.

5) Do you know what stop I get off at on the Broadway Local to see Greenwich Village? I might go to NYC next year.

6) Which do you think is more exciting; a conductor on a train, or a conductor in a concert?... or a juggler?

7) Your story made me sad... I wrecked my sister's bike... about 30 years ago.

8) I saw a green caboose once... and I laughed and laughed. Also, I think the word "caboose" is rude, but it makes me laugh too.

9) I know the difference between a see-saw and a teeter-totter. But I throw up on both.

10) Honk! HONK! HONK!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Lame Comments On My Facebook Pages”... #1…

So I post stories attached to funny, odd, and startling photos, but I continue to get the most incongruous, unrelated, and tangential comments left on them... People don't actually read my writing, they just look and post the first thing that comes to mind, often with no evidence that they have an organ that would function as a "mind". Periodically, I dump idlers, dunces, and simpletons from my FB "friends" list for these annoying and boring infractions... or I refer them (permanently!) to my "Pictures Only" pages where they can stare, point, and even color on the computer screen with their Crayola 6-Color set... and drool... or… whatever. Here is a photo which I constructed a whole story for, and here are some of the comments that were left by FB folks... Judge for yourself. (Profuse apologies if I posted YOUR comment here for public scrutiny!).

1) I like to take a nice walk around my neighborhood before I go to bed.. and walk my parakeet, Jerome. I used to have another parakeet named Winky.

2) I'm the head of my block association "Litter Committee", and I got a special mention in the Little Rock Cockle-Doodle Doo Morning Gazette about it... with a photo! But it made me look fat. Don't you hate when that happens?

3) You reminded me that our driveway is cracked, and I have to call Abner Feeney about it on Monday. Thanks.

4) Why don't men wear hats anymore? It would cover their bald spots, especially during dinner... or when they're asleep.

5) I ate at a roadside diner last week and got food poisoning. I guess I shouldn't order Boeuf Bourguignon at a gas station named Mr. Nancy's Gas ‘n’ Go.

6) Homeless people shouldn't panhandle on the street and expect working folks to drop change into their hats... no matter how good they can sing... or play the harmonika. My Uncle Ned could play the harmonika really good, but he didn't expect to be paid for it. At least, not on a sidewalk.

7) I get lost really easy... even when there are street signs. And arrows. That's why I flunked out of Cub Scouts.

8) That place looks closed. Why is everyone hanging around... or is it about to open for breakfast. I don't like my eggs runny. Do you?

9) I hate when the flash bulb makes my eyes glow like Satan. But I DO like Halloween! Do you?

10) Brown shoes with a brown suit. Never black... not even as a strappy-sandal. I have thirteen pairs of sandals. Do you?

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “A DEBBIE DOWNER ALERT”... even at Holiday Time!

Do you have a Debbie Downer on your Facebook page? I do.. Even at Holiday Time!!!! They just look at your photos but don’t read the story and then make stupid or redundant statements! Or they “help” rewrite your story in their comments never having written a story themselves; they snark about this or that on YOUR posts but never offer anything of interest on their own pages; tell you how wrinkled, old, fat, or ugly you are while looking like Jabba The Hutt themselves; …Oh, the list goes on and on! And so, in the spirit of Holiday merry-making and cheer, I’m posting some of my very favorite comments that I’ve gotten THIS past year! Sadly, there’s only room for ten, but OH how I could fill the room! If nothing else, Debbie Downer is prolific!….

-1) "Sybil, dear, technically nutmeg is also a fruit and should never be given to children because of its hallucinogenic qualities. You're thoughtless... and should be arrested!"

- 2) "Have you ever considered what would have happened had Tiny Tim been a Buddhist and believed in his own reincarnation?"

- 3) "Some readers may not realize that you're making a joke about plum pudding because they have been injured in a fiery dessert catastrophe. I don't think being burned by a pudding is funny. I feel sorry for you."

- 4) "That is Alistair Sim as Scrooge... but I like Reginald Owen... or is it Reginald Gardner?.... or is it Reginald Marsh?"...

- 5) "I have an allergy to cranberries and popcorn but I CAN eat the string. I like eating string, thread, and angel hair spaghetti. Heck, I like eating hair, period!"

- 6) "Isn't it funny? Holly is very poisonous! So is mistletoe! Very Poisonous! And poinsettias are very poisonous....technically, everything about Christmas is very poisonous. That's why I hate Santa Claus! And I told him so at Macy's...right before I slugged him."

- 7) "I got coal in my stocking one year, and I heated my washing machine box in the alley for a week. I was warm... but I had to eat my cat... and my box finally caught fire."

- 8) "Why a miracle on 34th Street....and which one too? East 34th or West 34th? I waited for three hours on East 34th and 2nd Avenue, and nothing happened....until a bus splashed me with mud."....

- 9) "I almost hit a reindeer once....but I was on my sled and it ran away. I was scared and cried and cried.... I was 37 at the time."

- 10) "Sybil...I do a one-woman show of the nativity scene and I play all the parts, including the shepherds, the stable owner and his wife, the three wise men and Mary, Joseph, and the blesséd Christ-child. My favorite part though is getting on all fours and making animal sounds and pretending I live in a barn! Oh, and for that part, I take off all my clothes.”… Yup!

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Sybil Bruncheon's Most Interesting Private Messages on Facebook...

1) Dear Sybil, I am not able to contact too many people right now because of where I'm living. I DID notice that you have a very attractive boyish quality even though you seem to be a girl. Would you like to have a pen pal? I like to write to good-looking guys, and you'll do nicely for now, until I get out and can meet you for dinner. Would you like to be my dinner? (Jeffrey Dahmer)

2) Sybil, I live in a far off place and have not been "on the circuit" in a long, long time. That's been fine with me, although I HAVE heard through the grapevine that Franklin Roosevelt is no longer the President. Will you accept my friend request and catch me up on some things?... especially on the unisex thingie with girl's wearing men's clothes! Thanks a bunch! (Amelia Earhart)

3) Deer SheeBul, Da vay you valked vas torny, true no falt ob yair own, but as dee rrrain anters dee soyle, dah ribber ahnters dee sea, so tearse rahn to a predestneied ahnd! Air you a vere-volf? You loook like dee vere-volf or a Franhknestine! Ah vould lyke to bee yure fraind, bute you mustn't eet me! LOLOLOL! (Maria Ouspenskaya)

4) Dearest Sybil, Glub! Glub! Glub! (Captain E.J. Smith)

5) Hey, Daddy-O!! Want to cruise around in my brand-spanking-new Spyder convertible! You look like a cool gal, and I dig really your muscles... if ya know what I mean! ;-) ;-) ;-) (James Dean)

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...concerning Facebook FRIEND REQUESTS (part 2):

(Sybil photo by Jack D. Pedota. Styled by Susan Suka Taylor)

.... Hey Folks!! Do you get swamped with "friend requests" every day?.... I do. As much as a dozen or so every day!...but I have started checking them carefully before I just click them on through. Here are some of the weirder things I've noticed;

1) I get them from strange little postage stamp countries where I have no "mutual friends", and the countries' main income is from actually making postage stamps for collectors although the countries themselves have NO mail boxes...nor indeed any mail SERVICE! (By the way; what ARE stamp collectors called? Fatalists? Fellationists?... whatever...)

2) The friend requests come from people whose names are anagrams for things like Stan Areasa Smith / "Satan is a Hamster", Pasco "Popo" De Le Ischoloti / "Poop is spoiled chocolate", and Beatrisea van Humbold-Wheehoushe / "I have a thumb where a nose should be ".....that sort of stuff. Usually, I assume these are not real names... (but I could be wrong!)

3) Many friend requests come from people who raise their own food....either as pets... or as husbands....or both. I check their photos... for possible recipes...

4) Their notes to me include pleasantries like "Hello, Dearest. I have a bone through my nose, but it looks like a thumb.... Do you have a bone through something?...or would you like to???"

5) There are also the “Hello, Dearest! My name is Cynthia Gladiolus Mtmbeke. I am from Nigeria, and you have won three bazillion dollars"…. Enough said, right?

6) Many of these friend requests are from prisons where people already have many, many friends.... most of whom are far more interesting and well-connected than I am… in or out of prison… and with or without knives and/or the right drugs.

7) Some of these friend requests are from people that I actually dated back in the 60s and 70s... and who might have paid me... True, some of them are asking for refunds. I reject them immediately...and block them.

8) Many friend requests come in the form of the new Facebook apps that allow people to write in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs or in Babylonian cuneiform.... I don't like to be friends with folks I can't chat with .... well...unless they're paying me... even if they were pharaohs in former lives.

9) I have trouble being Facebook friends with people who send me photos of them as; a) Rock Hudson in his 20s, b) John Gavin in his 20s, c) George Clooney in his 20s, d) Donald Trump in his underpants.   (I am neither stupid… nor do I have a strong stomach.)

10) I will absolutely not accept friend requests from child or animal abusers... I will also not accept friends who have used Mr. Potato Head kits on innocent fruits and vegetables lured into grocery baskets at roadside stands, usually with the promise of candy or afternoons at a local movie house.

I don't think I'm being unfair or unreasonable in these parameters…John Gavin in his 20s in a pair of underpants? Yes, that’s something I could make sacrifices for! But short of that?... a girl DOES have to have her standards.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "People In Poetry"…… page 78. "My Facebook Friend"...

My Facebook Friend never said “Hello”. Never clapped or cheered or wished me well. When I posted news or luck and such, He was never there to say, “That’s swell!”

He didn’t “like” my brand new job, my dog, My hat, my hefty raise, My move to Perth for three whole months And back again for the Holidays.

And not a peep when I met the boy Who then became my greatest love. Nor not a tear when I lost my joy, And he left this Earth for clouds above.

But my Facebook Friend posted ev’ryday And told the world his latest stuff. His rants, his raves, he stubbed his toe. No newsy thing was small enough.

He found some lint, he burned a cake! He cut his hair, and changed his vote. And we, the people, standing by Should clap our hands, or at least take note!

I’d laughed, and cried, and cheered, and “liked”. I’d clicked the Angry face and Sad. I’d praised and flattered like a fool. When he stubbed his toe, I’d felt real bad.

And then one day, I saw the light. At last, I knew I was just a prop. A thing to support my Facebook Friend. I faced the truth. It had to stop.

So late one night, so dark and deep. While moon shown high and Facebook slept, With MACs and PCs sound asleep. I pressed “Unfriend”. Away I crept.

And have I missed a single post? His so-called wit, his hearty heart, His learning, skill, his lint, his toe. Have I missed his news? No, not a fart.

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