Sybil Bruncheon's "St. Patty's Cinema"...

"When I tell you to ditch the shirt, you hop, ya hear me, my wild Irish Rose?... and ya better NOT be a leprechaun where it counts!"...

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From Sybil Bruncheon's Merry Memoirs: MGM PROUDLY PRESENTS...

The new celebrity paper doll book for 1939!!!! Complete with fabulous and stylish outfits for "Day" and "Evening" wear...accessories included!...

So there we all were in the first weeks on the set of THE WOMEN directed by George Cukor, and Joan Crawford and Norma Shearer start shoving each other, and I end up taking a tumble into the mudbath in the spa. I break my ankle, and I'm out of the picture. All my scenes end up on the cutting room floor, and my official celebrity paper doll book ends up on the remainder table at a couple of Woolworth's 5 & 10s. Oh, and Crawford and Shearer float off into the stardom stratosphere!!...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Joan Crawford Birthday Festival!"...

"It's MY Birthday, you jiggling bag of monkey-pudding!...Now get outta here, and come back on Loser Day!"

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hollywood Fact or Fiction!"… NOW-UR-HERE/NOW-UR-NOT"!...

TRUE STORY!!... this is the only known photo of the horribly tragic incident of "Joan Crawford & The MGM Transporter"...

L.B. Mayer, in an attempt to save travel expenses for his major stars going on location shoots in the 1930s, invested in advanced scientific research at M.I.T.

Albert Einstein and a handful of radical physicists claimed that they could "transport" props, camera equipment, and even movie stars around the globe in an instant and have them back in Hollywood for dinner after a full day of filming on the other side of the Earth. And no more faking foreign sets on Hollywood backlots!! Joan Crawford, being one of the biggest stars at the time, pushed her way to the front of the line on the day that they were to inaugurate the new "Now-Ur-Here/Now-Ur-Not Time Bender".... it was located just off the MGM Commissary near the dessert counters. After knocking Clark Gable and Franchot Tone to the floor, Crawford threw herself into the glass travel-booth!... there was a blinding flash of silvery blue light, a whirring sound of gears and steam.. ending in the grinding of metal like a soda fountain milkshake-maker gone horribly awry... then a scream and maybe some swear-words, and when the brown smoke cleared, there remained only a dish of beans and franks where the great Joan Crawford had just stood!!...

Fortunately with Einstein's great mind, his team's determination, and L.B.'s vast resources, they were able to bring Crawford back, a little at a time, over the following 3 weeks, although cafeteria-goers kept trying to eat her... and complained of gas.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Joan Crawford Birthday Festival!"...

"So who needs that stupid Cruella de Vil when you've got ME to sell your damn Pepsi?!?"

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Joan Crawford Birthday Festival!"...

SYBIL BRUNCHEON’S "Hollywood Fact or Fiction!"… Joan Crawford Fans!! .....Here's an excerpt from the new, shocking, and unauthorized biography of Joan Crawford by Mavis McGurk titled "SHE SWALLOWED EVERYTHING!" (Houghton Mifflin);

“...and with that, the brakes suddenly went out on Miss Crawford's 1931 Packard convertible, and the accelerator mysteriously pressed to the floor! The car lurched forward at 80 mph and careened through the railing high over Benedict Canyon..... there was a long, terrible scream of inconsolable grief and shimmering rage as the vehicle exploded in bright flames rolling and bouncing down the mountainside to the unforgiving embrace of the jagged boulders below.... A strange silence ensued, interrupted finally by the crackling of flames and the snapping and popping of gaskets, rubber, and twigs as they burned... or melted. And then, a terrible grating as the growing heat made the car’s chassis begin to twist and twitch. A smashed door slowly rocked open......and with that, the terrifying Joan-thing began to claw and scratch its way back up the rocky crag.... caked with dirt and covered in broken glass, with wreckage of the car wedged into open wounds. But its strength and resolve were implacable.... with every inch and handful of tossed-aside clay, the creature, whatever it was, climbed closer and closer to the promontory from which it had plunged just minutes before!

…And even more terrifying to relate, the filth and damage done to it seemed to melt away, bit by bit, as it climbed, until finally "Joan Crawford", THE Joan Crawford that Hollywood knew and loved (or feared!) climbed back through the shattered railing as fresh, dewy, and hopeful as she had been in 1925 when she had first arrived in that terrible town of dreams and betrayal. The glorious blue eyes fluttered down to the flaming wreckage, and smiled innocently …or victoriously.... and she began her stroll back down the winding highway of life to new adventures and.......horror.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Joan Crawford Birthday Festival!"...

“I like my babies like I like my martinis!… Shaken and extra dry!”

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Joan Crawford Birthday Festival!"...

"The table cloth is wrinkled, the sugar is hard, and they didn't set a dessert fork!! This is the last Odd Fellows dinner I ever attend."

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Joan Crawford Birthday Festival!"...

"Of course I love Easter!!! Why d'ya think I had the Bunny made into this nice coat for my Birthday?!"

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Joan Crawford Birthday Festival!"...

"Whattya mean they couldn't make March 23rd the official JOAN CRAWFORD DAY???..... how about the official LUCILLE LeSUEUR DAY???...and make sure they spell LeSUEUR correctly!!! I don't want any fresh-talk!"...

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