Sybil Bruncheon's MORE THAN THEY SEEM STORIES... “A Saturday Barbecue"…

... Tina wanted to help her Dad and Mom with the barbecue on the back patio!... especially because the Fergusons were coming over, and Kelly Ferguson was her best friend in Home Economics class. But Mommy had to explain that Tina's baby brother wasn't the same thing as "Baby Back Ribs"!

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Sybil Bruncheon's MORE THAN THEY SEEM STORIES... “A Perfect Beach Day"...

… Millie had rigged up her beach-kite with a special miniature camera that her big brother Bill gave her. He worked at the CIA as a special-ops assassin. Millie wanted to find out if her husband was being a little too friendly with Betty's husband Carl, the high-school gym teacher. Sadly, he was.... she had Bill take care of it later in an alley behind the Texaco station.

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... from Sybil Bruncheon's "MY MERRY MEMOIRS"... chapter 89...

My wonderful old brick mansion in Somerset... well, ... until, right after that stock market "correction". Then I ended up living in that telephone booth... but it DID have a fireplace, a wine cellar, a dumbwaiter, and a guest bath, and that made it all much nicer. I DID have to let go of three of the servants though.

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Your Spring Fashion Advice from the Great COCO CHANEL... (part 1)

"Put everything on, and then take ONE thing off!"

......or was it, "Put several things on, and then go to the refrigerator and put some more things on from the vegetable crisper!"

......or "Put something Chinese on… and then put on more things from column A, but refrain from the lychees!"

.....or was it, "Put on one appetizer, and one entree, add a garnish, and make your pepper mill into a brooch!"

....or was it "Dress only in sauces and condiments, and then add a Parker House roll and two butter pats strategically placed!"

....or "Go next door, borrow a cup of sugar, go back home and binge-watch the Food Network for two days straight!"

....or maybe "Eat your jewelry, eat your cashmere, eat your fine leather goods, and get an aquarium to let your hats swim in!"...

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More Spring Fashion Advice from the Great COCO CHANEL:

"Put everything on, and then take ONE thing off!"

... or was it, "Put several things on, and then put on some more!"

... or "Put one thing on, and then go next door and steal some more things!"

... or was it, "Put everything on, take everything off, and make a martini! THEN go next door and steal EVERYTHING!"

... or "Go next door, SHOOT the neighbors, drink THEIR martinis, THEN steal everything... but put one thing back!... and leave a thank-you note"

... or... was it…

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... from Sybil Bruncheon's "MY MERRY MEMOIRS"... chapter 312...

People asked if I was alarmed when my identical twin sister Dagmar had run away to Paris with a circus of gypsies and miscreants. I wasn't, and I wasn't all that concerned when she first told me she was learning to do "apache dancing". You see she pronounced it "ah-patch-ee", so I actually thought that she was going to be in little dance sketches about an early settler-woman in the Wild West being captured by Indians and forced into all sorts of terrible mischief involving, scalping, sexual molestation, fire, and perhaps even some ventriloquism. Imagine my disappointment on opening night seeing her only roughed up a little by some Parisian hoodlum in an alleyway. So I went backstage afterwards and spoke to her partner Monsieur Garrabot. I even paid him to hit her harder! He DID!.....ah, good times... good times.

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...concerning Facebook FRIEND REQUESTS (part 1)...

Hey, Folks! Are you getting strange FB friend requests from people who have NO friends in common with you?...I'm NOT just talking about the ones from foreign places whose names are exotic and hard to pronounce. I actually PREFER more non-traditional people and places. I'm talking about their FB pages listing all sorts of odd hobbies, food preferences, police records, and personal-hygiene interests. Here are a few that I just HAD to refuse...politely, of course, because, after all, I AM Sybil Bruncheon!...

1) Hymen Cooper - lives in Bangor, ME. Collects lint, hairbrush refuse, dust-bunnies, and used gum. Practices ventriloquism with vegetables at his fresh produce stand. Is a rare Aries-born-on-the-cusp-of-Libra....very rare!

2) Mustafa Jones - ex-smoker/pyromaniac. Collects Joan of Arc memorabilia. Likes melted Reese’s Peanut Butter cups…

3) Phil Phillips - cactus gardener who specializes in pure-vegan acupuncture. "I guarantee smoother skin and massive weight-loss for anyone visiting my all-nude rock-garden!...especially in the middle of the night!"

4) đười ươi điên - friendly and deeply spiritual Presbyterian/Hoosier by way of Ho Chi Minh City. "I like basketball, popcorn, and planning a really bang-up Revelations welcome for the return of the Messiah! Party-ON!!

5) Kay Branson - plus-size lady-taxidermist specializing in beetles and the high-end jewelry they can be made into for older Jewish ladies in Boca Raton..."MY HOMETOWN!"

6) Yenid Glanque - cafeteria worker in the Myrtle Township Elementary School for Mildly Gifted Children. "Adept at perfectly portioned servings of mass-produced side dishes using a standard ladle and my remaining eye."

7) Pete Thwistle - Gas station attendant providing HANDS-ON service! "None o'that behind the glass booth sh*t. I come out and wipe yer shield, check yer oil 'n' water, kick yer tires, and pinch yer bottom if you get out to stretch yer legs.... oh, and I'll say hi to yer lady-friend too!"...

8) Malcolm "Pinky" Perkins - filatelist/fellatelist with talented tongue and NO gag-reflex! Loves getting into sticky situations with like-minded Christian couples. Still dreaming of finding a mint-unused Javanese upside down biplane 3 cent!..or a Treskilling Yellow stamp (1855).

9) Piszkálni A. Fenékben - former pastry chef in a llama petting zoo. Soon to be laid off for causing near-fatal diabetes in luxury-wool-producing mammals by the Peruvian government. Currently on the run, but will check in occasionally for AirBnBeaners... "HELP! I make great donuts!"

10) Lincoln Steffers - snake-handler and faith-healer. Has own tent and heating pad. Lives in Central Park near the boat house! Romantic weekends a GUARANTEE! 

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... From Sybil Bruncheon's "SOME LIKE IT HAUTE!"... chapter 28...

Did I ever tell you of my on-again/off-again friendship with Dovima, the famous fashion model/muse of Richard Avedon? Well, she was the epitome of stark and icy cold glamour that ruled the ladies' magazines of the post-war era. She was relentless in her discipline, her pursuit of excellence, and her willpower to maintain a 19" waistline... so much so that finally, cinched into those gorgeous "New Look" Dior dresses, she could no longer sit down, lie down, or even walk to the telephone. Everything had to be brought to her, including her meals, all of which she drank through a straw. She even slept standing up. This photo is of her propped into her special board-bed on a Sunday morning... waiting for her asparagus and melon milkshake... and her weekly telephone call from St. Patrick's so she could listen to morning Mass.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Your Gay Credentials"!!... Quiz #453...

Yes, folks, many people today think they are adequately gay, but let's be honest, in these days of self-indulgent, entitled, babbling millennials who know nearly nothing about their heritage or culture, can anyone really be GAY ENOUGH? In an attempt to correct some of this cultural bankruptcy and general ignorance, we have created a quiz which allows YOU to know exactly!... ARE YOU GAY ENOUGH? 

Take a close look at these photos; it's not enough to know they are scenes from THE WOMEN (1939) with its star-studded cast. Your gay credentials will be "in order" if you can correctly match the right scenario to the correct photo.

a) Having had no luck with men, Mary decides to introduce her daughter to a lesbian lifestyle by raiding daddy’s closet, his imported tobacco cabinet, and his collection of French post cards. She also decides that her daughter’s “little mustache problem” might be kind of attractive after all… 

b) Mary’s mother has offered to crochet her a perfectly lovely gown for the junior prom… sadly, it’s very time consuming, and Mary is now 47 years old… 

c) The famous “Night of The Undead Socialites” scene in which wealthy and bored housewives are lured away from bridge luncheons and flower arranging classes to a hideous existence as zombies… though very physically fit ones. 

d) The Countess acknowledges that yes, they HAVE just hit an iceberg, “but there’s always time for just one more little drinky-winky!”… 

e) While trying on expensive gowns, Mary and Sylvia show the sales lady “that M&Ms melt in your mouth! Not in your hands!”… 

f) The photo is of Olga the manicurist trying to warn Sylvia that the new hair dryers don’t run on electricity! They run on gas! HIGHLY FLAMMABLE GAS! Sylvia doesn’t remember what happened when she had her hair done on the Hindenburg… 

(Correct answers can be found on page 317 in the new issue of Humpty Dumpty Magazine, right after the Find The Oblong Vegetables In The Tree puzzle.)

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... from Sybil Bruncheon’s “My Merry Memoirs!”… Chapter 86… Fortune and Men’s Eyes…

A big “Thank you!” to my pal Freeda Miller!!! She found the photo!! Yes, the old "SYBIL SEZ! Fortune Phenom-inator" machine that made such a sensation starting in the 1920s at carnivals, amusement parks, international peace conferences, and ladies’ rest rooms. The one pictured here was the new Roswell Rose model released in 1950 when pink was all the fashion..... sadly, Joseph McCarthy decided that it was part of a Communist conspiracy to undermine the youth of America by giving them messages with hidden subversive themes in them..... like "You Will Meet A Handsome Stranger On a Train" might be short-hand for "A One-eyed Fuller Brush Salesman With A Limp Will Pass You The Atom Bomb Plans In A Brown Paper Lunch Bag.... folded in a peanut butter sandwich with Marshmallow Fluff!"... It didn’t help that McCarthy claimed the Sybil fortune-teller-doll was dressed like Eleanor Roosevelt, “that old Commie dyke”, as he called her. In fact, the dress was modeled on the one J. Edgar Hoover wore to his own 53rd Birthday.

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