Sybil Bruncheon's "Breaking (and Broken!) News... from CNN... This just in!...

Indicted George Santos from NY's 3rd congressional district has increased his delusional claims even in the face of 13 criminal charges against him concerning a host of felonies totaling hundreds of years in prison should he be found guilty... the following claims are now added to his past ones;

1] He claims to be a 3000 lb. turnip capable of feeding hundreds of vegans should a famine hit the Trump owned golf club at Ferry Point in the Bronx, NY... Santos stated that Trump will be renaming Ferry Point to "Fairy Point" because, after all, Santos is gay... and a lesbian as well!

2] He claims that not only are his parents Jewish but they have been Jewish for millions of years, dating back to the Jurassic Period... He stated that his parents are so Jewish, that they will make themselves into huge portions of chicken soup to cure the world permanently of the common cold.

3] He claims that, as a baby, he was the first example of Artificial Intelligence. Sadly, his gears and pulleys were extremely uncomfortable for his mother to pass through her uterus and vagina "despite heavy lubrication with Quaker State Motor Oil"... and Hellmann's Mayonnaise. He has assured his congressional district that he will pick up all the expenses for his double AA batteries... from Energizer!... after all, he IS the model for the Energizer Bunny!

4] He claims that although he is not the second coming of the Messiah, he IS the second coming of a kosher baloney sandwich served at the Last Supper... right there in the painting to the left of the Apostles Paul... and Kim Kardashian. Hold the mustard!

5] He claims that he's a kitty, or possibly a monkey crossed with a kitty... and an egg... but an Easter Egg!!… or a Faberge Egg!…

6] He claims that he can grow kilim rugs on his body, and provide luxury interior design services to wealthy contributors to his campaign. If a client prefers sisal, he'll be happy to eat straw for a few weeks for special orders... please bring your own lawnmower...

7] He claims that he is an as-yet-undiscovered planet in our own solar system. When he finally is discovered, he DOES insist on being announced by Neil deGrasse Tyson, Carl Sagan, or Galileo... even if one of them is dead.. or two... whatever. He also insists on being named "Big Round Boy"... or "Mr. Sparkly"... he will have a moon or two... made of cheese.

8] He claims that although he is gay, it is only on Tuesdays.. and he still likes women and... cement.

Stay tuned for more claims, verifiable or not. Details at 6. Electro-convulsive therapy at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Current Events QUIZ!"...

Which of the following headlines, opening lines, stories, and news sources goes with this photo?

a) The American President Addressed Foreign Dignitaries From The Great Poultry Producing Nations of the World. They cackled at his claim to have "the moistest and tenderest breasts of any president ever!". (from the Iowa G'Morning Standard)

b) CBS Headquarters Attacked By An Enraged Jim Gaffigan… who claims to have lost his job on CBS’s SUNDAY MORNING due to excessive corniness in his pun-riddled monologues. (NBC's TODAY Show with Hoda Howdie Ho)

c) The Lincoln Tunnel Suddenly became a giant sinkhole as Hurricane Jaime-Maria-Santa-Loquasta-Jesus-Bañana barreled into midtown NYC. 210 Dead. 4 injured. 17 late for work. (The Weather Channel with Jim Cantore... if we can find him a box of Kleenex)

d) In yet another sequel in the unending GODZILLA franchise, the iconic monster has returned from Malibu as a bleach blond and eaten Jane Russell on an ocean voyage. Still famished from the poor restaurant service and menu, he finishes off twenty-three shirtless hunks on the Olympic Mens' Interpretive Dance Team. Set in 1959, there's lots of perky musical song and dance numbers including "I'm A Seoul Survivor", "They Call Me MISTER Bigly", and "Orange You Glad To See Me?"... directed by Joshua Logan (hence all the “shirtless hunks”) - Variety

e) Delicious Low-Carb, Low-Fat, and Gluteus-Free, Free-Range foods that you can raise in your own garage or basement that will feed the family... or feed ON IT. It may take a village to raise a child, but it only takes ONE of these to eat one! Six scrumptio-licious pages with police photos of tonight's dinner! YUM! (Bon Appétit Magazine - the July issue)

f) I Am The Genetically Engineered Love-Child of Frank Perdue and Colonel Sanders (The National Enquirer)

g) Today in the news, Martha Stewart was returned to womens' prison for her unauthorized or acknowledged use of Parkay in a brownie recipe she plagiarized from Julia Child's best selling dessert book "These Are A Dead Women's Treats", published post mortem. (Food Network)

h) Can you find the fire truck, the beach ball, the billy goat, the cocker spaniel, and the banana, and the lady with the axe?

i) All of the above

Answers on page 63. (Highlights Magazine)

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