Sybil Bruncheon’s Halloween Shopper Guide!!!

Costumes shown on the catalog page include "Mrs. Crawley Crawlerson", "Countess Swat-Tinski", "Buggeena Rugg", "The KOOTIE-Pie". "Fly-Anne de Zoop", and "Aunt Pantz",

Now on SALE! Fabulous 'n' Frightening insect costumes from the "Mademoiselle BUG" line of Halloween fashion. Now you can scare the crap out of your friends with your choice for Trick or Treating, with an emphasis on the TRICK! Each costume comes with its own cricket-clicker and a kazoo so you can add authentic garden-pest sound effects to the terror!... and a thumb tack for that extra little "kick" that your friends will definitely find....um, "amusing".... after they land back on the ground!

Choices include "Amanda Mantis", “Millie Peed”, "Dainty the Dung Beetle", "Hedda (Grass) Hopper", "Catter Pilar", "Mommy-Long-Legs", and ''Aunt BEE", and many, many more shown in our catalog!... and guess what? All costumes come in the fuller-fit versions for you "plus size" girls, just in case you want to be a really BIG hit at the snack table! Create a riotous sensation when you're reaching for that hors d'oeuvre!... Hours of screams and crashes for the whole family! And when you flit through the room all your friends can say, "Yep! There she goes! The Little Sting-ker!!!”. You’ll certainly create quite a buzz!

All costumes are now in stock in all sizes. And they’re flame retardant ....mostly....(except near light bulbs.) $29.95 includes shipping. Dial I-GOT-8-LEGGS, that's right folks, dial 446-885-3447. And don’t worry!… our professionally trained staff won’t shoo you away! Costumes shown on this catalog page include "Mrs. Crawley Crawlerson", "Countess Swat-Tinski", "Buggeena Rugg", "The KOOTIE-Pie". "Fly-Anne de Zoop", and "Aunt Pantz". The nice man will tell you how to order!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "People In Poetry"…… page 91. ..."Dear Little Nancy on Voting Day!"......

Dear Little Nancy liked to skip and play. 
Did she keep her Promises? No one could say. 
Nancy said she’d register to VOTE and do her Duty.
But Mondays she always devoted to her day of Beauty.

Tuesdays are for visiting and chatting over Lunch!
Wednesdays are for Shopping and a large Rum Punch!
And don’t you know that Thursday’s a fine day to rest?
And then it’s time for Friday! Please don’t be a Pest!

Here it is the Weekend, and Friends have come to Town.
Time to have a Picnic and wear a Gingham Gown.
Day by Day and Week by Week, her Duty she’d forgotten.
And Folks began to gossip now, her Reputation rotten. 

The months slid by, from Spring to Fall, her Duty ne’er remembered.
And finally it was Voting Day, the first Tuesday in November. 
Dear Nancy came to the Polling Place, but was promptly turned away.
The nice Ladies there said, “Your name’s not here! You clearly mayn’t stay!”

But Nancy fussed and stamped her Feet and loudly made a Row!
“I care not what y’ say to me! I’ve come to VOTE right now!”
A nice Policeman passing by did seize her by her hair, 
and swung her high around his Head and threw her through the Air.

She came down KOOOSH! upon the ground, some 20 feet or so.
An hour later she awoke, quite cross, and moaning low.
A kindly Lady passing by asked her what was wrong. 
And Nancy told her Tale of woe, which really was much too long.

The Lady smiled and helped her up and invited her to tea. 
“The polls are closed. You did not VOTE. You come along with me.”
They walked eleven miles or so, and down a Country lane, 
And into woods so dark and deep. Then it began to rain. 

Dear Nancy said that she was tired and longed to have a Rest.
The kindly Lady pointed to her Cottage on the Crest.
They tumbled in out of the rain to get so warm and cozy. 
The House was sweet, and very clean and smelled of Spice and Posy.

“Now let me put a Kettle on, and you play with both my kitties. 
Their names are Biff and Lancelot! Come along my little pretties!”
Nancy reached out to pet the Pair, but Biff gave her some Nips.
She pulled her bleeding Hand away, and Lancelot licked his lips.

 
She tried again to be a Friend and promptly got some Scratches.
The Lady then walked in the room and brought a box of Matches.
“I said before you did not VOTE! You did not pick a winner!
You did not do your Duty dear, and now you’ll be our Dinner!”.

The Lady lunged at Nancy then and gave her quite a Fright!
She grabbed her hem, and lit a match and set her dress alight.
Dear Nancy jumped and yowled so! Imagine her dismay.
It crossed her mind, “It’s Tuesday though! It’s Lunch and Visit day!”.

The flames leaped higher, higher then and burned her to a crisp
With little hissing “essing” sounds, (Nance always had a lisp!)
The Lady stuffed her full of peas, some carrots and a shallot.
Poor Nancy might have saved herself if she’d only cast a ballot.

She ended up inside their tummies, don’t think me too uncouth. 
Just think how nice it might have been inside a Voting Booth.
Well that’s our tale of Nancy, dear. And Darlings, Please take note!
When Mummie says she loves you so, GO REGISTER AND VOTE!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s HALLOWEEN UPDATE: Parseley Corners, Wisconsin....

HALLOWEEN UPDATE: Parseley Corners, Wisconsin. The local newspaper, The Parseley Corners Cockle-Doodle-Doo, announces the final closing of the "Middling Meadows Maison of Fairly Scary Sounds and Wax Dummies In Strange Poses". The funhouse was the only true tourist attraction in the vicinity of the town for 50 miles or so, and had never really lived up to its name or advertising. As a matter of fact, Madison Technical College had actually staged several medical seminars on chronic insomnia there, finding "The Dining Room of Terror", "The Screaming Salle de Bain", and "The Punishment Pantry" quite restful for its patients.

Mrs. Rebecca Shuler, whose family has owned the property for 83 years, recently made a gift of the land, the main structure, and all the outbuildings, sheds, and equipment to the college. The aforementioned rooms will be turned into large "sleep wards" for insomnia sufferers, and the remaining areas of the main building will be converted into patient services and administration offices, research and examination laboratories, cheerful family visiting solariums, a spacious cafeteria, a bingo hall, bowling alley, billiards and ping pong salon, a small movie and poetry recital theatre, and a fully equipped steam, sauna, and bath spa. The wax figures, many of which are of iconic monsters or perpetrators and victims of infamous historical murders will be left as charming conversation pieces with little night-lights on them to prevent any unintentional "bumps-in-the-night"....

The Landmarks Commission has requested that the exterior entryway remain completely intact, but perhaps with nice flower boxes and a small reflecting pool with trickle-fountain. Local residents may apply to volunteer for the plantings committee.

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Mr. Hedley Head.

Many of the great studio designers had envious and perhaps less talented family members who nevertheless tried to wheedle their way into the system..... one such person was Hedley Head, Edith's unfortunate brother-in-law.... He escaped from the Veteran's Hospital for the Mentally Inconvenienced where he had been a fairly reliable member of the Laundry & Tailoring department. Apparently, he disguised himself as a freshly fluffed and folded king-size duvet, and he walked past the guards claiming he was delivering himself to Louis B. Mayer's home in Santa Monica. He was later reported missing during the "Tapioca Sociable" thrown for the inmates on Thursday nights. He might never have been apprehended had he not decided to sneak into the costume workshop at MGM claiming that Adrian "required his ingenious way with a bolt of bombazine"!.... within an hour, he was threatening to cut one of the contract players on the bias....... (Lucille something-or-the-other..) He was returned to the hospital high-security ward and given a pair of round-tip "safety scissors". The Screen Actors Guild provided him with a special lifetime stipend for celebrity paper doll books that he could "create" his collections out of....... his Fashion Parades became a monthly hit in the cafeteria, and he was consulted on new ways to wear hospital gowns by his fellow inmate/clients. He died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 91.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s Halloween Game Time!!!

MATCH THE FACES WITH THE DESCRIPTIONS!!!

1) Junior manicurist at “Happy Hands Hide-Away” in Piscataway, New Jersey
2) Captain of The Hefty Ladies Of Hartford Bowling League
3) Serial caller to the local police precinct reporting UFOs (Unattributable Farting Offenses)
4) A rutabaga that rolled behind the refrigerator....or possibly Ann B. Davis.
5) Borscht Belt comedian from the 1950s with three thumbs
6) Stray kitty with disturbingly “inter-species” facial features
7) School superintendent much loved by Junior High children….on Uranus.
8) Dog grooming catastrophe at The Perky Poodle Canine College
9) Mindy Resnick, unrepentant aquarium gravel and prop hoarder

(Answers will appear on page 119 of your Highlights Magazine)

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... The Grimaldi Man-Sisters!

Here we have the famous "Grimaldi Man-Sisters"...a strange Vaudeville act that went on to appear in early silent films. They would perform a variety of songs, dances, recitals of limericks and haikus, mime tableaux, odd contortionist positions in various stages of undress....and, (if the price was right and it was late enough in the evening!) they would impersonate barnyard animals in home made costumes made of their grandmother's fur coats and bath mats. Gina (Edwin) on the left would always play the front half, and Debbie (Frank) on the right would play the rear-end and tail..... they were super stars on the Rocky Mountain Minsky circuit until their bus went over a cliff at Yosemite. All of Modesto was plunged into mourning for two and a half weeks.....

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Julia Child.

Hollywood True Story!...... shortly after the release of the book "JULIE & JULIA" in 2002, the author, Julie Powell, began receiving strange hate mail scrawled in lipstick on torn out pages from cookbooks, specifically "low-end" ones like the Campbell's soup "Cook Everything With Cans & Cream Compendium", "Betty Crocker's Sexy Suppers", and the Readers' Digest "Banquets That Are Best For Your Bowels".... The letter crisis escalated to the point where the FBI stepped in to help the state police, but the perpetrator was too clever, mailing the letters from many different states and always using gloves to prevent any fingerprints from being traced. Eventually however, one of the particularly virulent letters arrived and aroused a new interest. While sitting on the desk of Chief Detective Gino Guarnarelli, the Italian-American cop noticed the delicious smell of Veau Caprice de Poulpe et de Guimauve Dans Une Croûte...and the unmistakable fragrance of a brilliant tomato sauce. Yes, apparently the letter writer had run out of lipstick and substituted what was handy!...and upon extensive chemical analysis, it turned out to be the exact sauce that was described so expertly in the newly released "I Am The Center Of The Universe Of Food - Volume 27".... by Julia Child. Although no one could ever suspect that the beloved icon of cooking would be involved in such a sordid scandal, police were sent to Child's home just for casual questioning... What answered the door however was too horrifying to be believed. Over 8' tall and howling, a fanged creature wielding a dead marmoset and a Delft rolling pin stood in the entryway. Police (that hadn't fainted dead away!) yelled several warnings but the hideous thing lumbered toward them shrieking what sounded like French being spoken by Eleanor Roosevelt....or Frankenstein. They reluctantly drew their weapons, but finally had to fire. It took over eighty-three rounds at point blank range to bring the grotesque monster down.... and it still managed to crawl another fourteen feet to a discarded bialy lying near the umbrella stand which it put into its mouth giving one last contented smile ...and a gurgled "yum" before it stopped. Forensic experts and a hazmat team descended on the house and quickly removed the body using a complete lockdown procedure on the neighborhood for a twelve block radius. With the FBI and state authorities involved, the story basically disappeared into a governmental black hole... not discussed in the press, and only whispered about in the highest circles of the intelligence community...and the executive offices of PBS. Interestingly that week, Julia Child herself was declared exhausted and in need of an extended rest overseas... she was going to travel, maybe stay with friends at a remote Lake Como palazzo..... or an estate in Provence. ...and then of course, she ..."died" at 92 years of age. Much loved and an icon of civility, sophistication, and warmth. ....or did she?

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Miss Muirtel-Mae Beechcroft.

Muirtel-Mae Beechcroft had come from extraordinary wealth, mostly acquired through the family's "patent medicine" empire featuring products like Pinch! (the famous laxative suppositories shaped like Disney cartoon characters) and Pizzy-Fit! (the fool-proof pet-stain remover). She had always been eccentric by the family's standards, and after attending pizza-throwing academy, air-conditioning repair school, and classes in gun and pet neutering, she finally seemed to find herself as a black-jack dealer at the Coiffeuro Bouffante College of Card Sciences. She graduated "summa cum laude" despite, or perhaps because of her six fingers on each hand. Her reputation as a shuffling-savant insured an offer from all the great casinos coast-to-coast, but she moved East to Atlantic City when Donald Trump offered her an exclusive and very cushy contract at the beginning of New Jersey's boardwalk resurgence. Sadly, like most schemes involving "easy money" and "dreams that cannot fail", Atlantic City gradually slid into needless extravagance, unpaid loans, bankruptcy, scandal, and humiliation, taking the innocent down with the guilty.... and no one was more innocent than Muritel-Mae. She was handed off from one abusive mobster-owner to another, passed around like a bottle of cheap liquor to be licked and guzzled and then on to the next burping, sneering thug with rough hands, beer breath, a four day old beard, and a stiff toupee made out of cotton candy!... finally, she ended up in a Veterans Hall down the shore at a Magician's convention for the Shriners. Her jobs included assisting various amateur and child magicians with their card tricks....and being sawed in half eight times a week in an act called "Mr. Mysterio-So Cuts His Cards!"..... her family never took her back.

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“Extraordinary Characters From Around The World!”.... Monsieur Meowr-cel La Chatte.

Monsieur Meowr-cel La Chatte had been a member of the French underground and fought the Nazis as one of the most ferocious espionage experts the French ever had. His weapons of choice were used kitty litter grenades that could empty a café in 30 seconds flat! He prided himself not only in their explosiveness, but also in disguising them as croissants fresh from the oven, a plate of escargot with savory garlic butter, a perfect chocolate soufflé, and even as a charming little chapeau from Madame Poissant's Sur Ma Petite Tête Shop!! Meowr-cel would howl with laughter when his grenades would explode causing confusion and screams of outrage in the occupied cafés as Nazis would scatter in all directions covered in poop when they had been expecting a tasty continental breakfast and a sweet photo in a beret by the Seine.....ah well! That's what they get for invading a masterpiece of human evolution like Paris and crossing paths with the sure-footed ruthlessness of the greatest "chat espionnageur ronronner" of all time.... He was later awarded the Silver Star de Fraternité Bonbonnière, the Legion of Poissons D'honneur, and the Distinguished Cross of Quiche Lorraine for Service to the Republic and the Citizenry. Sadly, with the end of the war, Meowr-cel slipped into an existential malaise, bored with the day-to-day drudgery of luncheons with admirers asking for suspenseful stories of his wartime exploits. As time went on, he left fewer and fewer dead sparrows at the back door to the Louvre cafeteria. He could be seen yowling old snatches of music hall songs near the Arc de Triomphe, purring inconsolably at table 6 in the Moulin Rouge, or urinating in an alleyway behind the No Exit Cafe. Finally, he turned to canned cat food from America and heavy doses of absinthe with his warm milk.... he was found dead at the age of 189 (that's 27 in human years! ….or is it the other way round??...whatever…)...after smoking a bad batch of catnip spiked with potpourri and Chanel 5... All of France mourned.

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INTERESTING PEOPLE....or ...whatever..... Little Abner.

Even twenty-six days before Halloween, little Abner liked to sneak into Mother's dressing room and try on different looks for his Fairy-Queen ensemble!..... he already had his magic wand..... and the ax....

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