Sybil Bruncheon’s April Fooleries!…

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"Law & Order SVU?.... Detective Stabler??.... My next door neighbor is naked and wants to play Uncle Wiggly with me!..... APRIL FOOL'S!!!!"....

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... Hepplemann Falls, Ohio.......

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Easter Weekend Reports From Around The World: .....Hepplemann Falls, Ohio.

Abner Linkmayer and a passenger claiming to be the Easter Bunny were stopped by highway patrolmen today for erratic driving of a John Deere tractor and a 40' wheat harvester down Highway 3 this morning. They managed to mow down four mailboxes, seven fire hydrants, twenty two street signs, and the Bigelow newspaper and notions stand in the town square. (Scotty Bigelow jumped off his stool just in time!) Several airline bottles of Grey Goose, Jim Beam, Southern Comfort, Drambuie, and Manischewitz were found scattered in the hopper of the harvester. Little Abner and Mr. Bunny claimed that they had not been drinking, but that the bottles had come "from the Booze Tree that they had run over back on the MacGregor farm". Police determined later that there was no booze tree on the MacGregor farm, and the botany department of the Clemson College of Agricultural & Animal Husbandry went even farther by declaring that in fact there is no such thing as a booze tree. At that point, Linkmayer and Bunny were heard to laugh raucously, make farting sounds using their hands and armpits, and then throw up all over the police chief's desk. Both are being held without bail until their trial at either the Hepplemann Juvenile Facility ..or at the Gurney Petting Zoo. Details at 6. Bourbon-soaked marshmallow peeps at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s TALES & TAILS: Easter and Passover Stories of Yesteryear!…

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In addition to Passover which celebrates the emancipation of the Israelites from slavery in ancient Egypt, there is also the lesser known agricultural holiday of Ослобађање од кокошињца од поо Поос (which is pronounced "Glurph zzjyjal-jadlylxxcvw" and which means "The Chicken Coop is free and clean"). This Holiday always falls on the first weekend in April and commemorates the liberation of all domesticated bird life from the tyranny of rabbits which was the norm for 19th century farm life both here and in Europe!..... Chickens, geese, ducks, and even swans in some places were used as slave labor, food sources, and cheap carnival entertainment by wealthy rabbits and their human collaborators.

Chickens especially were confined to glass boxes in sideshows and fed electronically only when they played well known songs on junky child-pianos often with only a few working keys and usually out of tune. Entire days of repeating "The Farmer In The Dell", "Frère Jacques", and "I Write The Songs" would eventually drive most hens insane or to suicide, and it was not unusual to see many chickens having to drag carts of their own eggs to market to be sold in road-side stands, dyed for Easter, thrown at Vaudeville shows, or scrambled in Greek diners!

Yes, my friends! This is Ослобађање од кокошињца од поо Поос!! The holiday when any self-respecting chicken may throw off the yolk of servitude....oops! The YOKE of servitude, and cry out, "Цоцка кретен!!"....

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Spring time in the garden.....

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LADIES!!!...with the weather getting warmer, the days getting longer, and Spring just around the corner, NOW is the time to get out in your garden and start checking for pests in your flower beds! Remember, the sooner you start, the better off your lovely vegetables and flowers will be....Your garden will thank you. And so will the rest of the planet Earth....

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Sybil Bruncheon’s 31 Days of Halloween: A Parenting Bulletin!!!......

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Friends, do you have a difficult child in your home? Now it's best to be honest, BRUTALLY honest with yourself and face the harsh reality of a "bad child". Perhaps through no fault of your own, your son or daughter..(or whatever!) is perpetually naughty, and has been so nearly from birth!... maybe even in the Delivery Room? Did your newborn pull a sharp object on your obstetrician... and the attending nurses?

Does your toddler bite, scratch, or kick its playmates, a valuable piece of antique furniture... or even plumbing fixtures?

Does your pre-schooler speak in strange foreign languages or make tropical animal sounds with accompanying gestures, especially when religious persons are visiting, or perhaps your employer and his unsuspecting wife?

Has your child claimed to have a "secret friend"??..... with a name like "Monkey-Woman", "Curtis the Curved-Cucumber", "Qitzzl-Patyl", or "Mrs. Roosevelt"????

Does your 1st grader put his clothes on backwards, or upside down....or does he go out for the day with no clothes on whatsoever?

Does your youngster eat all his vegetables, but insist on biting them directly out of the ground with his own teeth?

Has your daughter ever carried on lengthy and expensive long-distance phone calls... on her shoes... with famous mimes??

Has your child started collecting odd things, like olive pits, burnt matches, or navel lint?

Has your youngster ever used his bedroom closet as a "private elevator to Uncle Satan's house"?

Does your son shoplift various make-up items, and then open a beauty counter at your dining room table when your bridge club meets on Thursdays... where he introduces himself as "Mr. Nancy: Make-up Mentor To Mass-Murderers!"…

These and other peculiar eccentricities can be the advanced and sometimes incurable signs of "Willful Naughtiness". What can a caring parent do? The first step is to call our switchboard and purchase the books and tools needed to turn this terrible situation around! But you must act NOW! Time is of the essence! Our operators are waiting to help YOU! Just dial S-A-V-E-M-Y-B-R-A-T! That's right! Dial 728-369-2728. The nice man will tell you how to order! Procrastination may be fatal!... Don't wait until your sweet little bundle of joy wakes you up one morning ... with a blowtorch… and an axe!

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Myrna learns something new!!!.....

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Myrna Bañaga determined that too much starch didn't make her work uniform look crisp and tailored! It made her look rigid and unwilling to accept change at the office. The nice lady in the Human Resources office told her so..... they called it her "first warning"....

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... NEWS BULLETIN!!!

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NEWS BULLETIN!!! ...this just in! The State Department has revealed new footage of the terrorist organization ISIS. It appears that to honor the Christian world's upcoming holiday of Easter, members of ISIS are now concealing their identities with festive Holiday wear when they perform their customary beheading ceremonies. A spokesman for the group apologizes to the West for not being able to also find "marshmallow-peep" masks or charming little Easter bonnets for their female suicide bombers! Details at 6. Bright pink plastic grass and scimitars at 11. 

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It's Spring time!!!

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Ladies!!!...(and like-minded Gents!)...Spring is almost here, and we all want to give her a warm welcome into our homes, don't we?? Well, now is the time to start those special "Spring-Cleaning" projects that we knew were coming back in February. Procrastination is NOT the way to go! Let's pull out the silver polish, the can of Lemon Pledge, the Swiffer, and the extension poles for the Electro-Lux and get to those special neglected parts of our homes! You never know what may be waiting for you there!! A quarter in the sofa cushions, a missing earring under the side table.... or....?????

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