Sybil Bruncheon's "HOLIDAY HILARITY!".... December 29th, 1892...

... yes, it was that particular Holiday season, after the disastrous Presidential election which scandalized the country, that people decided to drown their sorrows in wild parties before the dreaded inauguration day! Roderick Fenbrathy of the Fenbrathy-Central Railroad fortune, threw a major three-day festival which would culmintate in the New Year of 1893. Interestingly, his guests were so desperate to find cheer in everything, they didn’t notice anything amiss… 

From left in the front row; Mr. Christopher Wagston (known as Miss Big-Tina to his Gaiety Theatre & Novelty Arts audiences. They adored him!); his agent, Charlie “Goodtimes” Epstein, who later died under the wheels of a bicycle-built-for-twenty ridden by his clients, the Rolling Rambollis during a matinee; Madame Freela Giabetti, mezzo-soprano at the Metroplitan Opera whose most famous role was in Wagner’s “Die Gasgefüllte Nonne Und Ihre Verzauberten Dudelsäcke”. (Her career ended suddenly in a fiery zeppelin explosion…onstage! Sadly, the entire orchestra and half of the front three rows were also killed, but the folks in the mezzanine said they had a wonderful time!); Mrs. Pamela Bumblebunny, Madame Giabetti’s “lady-companion”(…for thirty-two years!); Mr. Hector Reiflander of the Reiflander Fine-Furs Salons and who specialized in exotic pelts for “full-figured ladies”; Gladys Reiflander, his lovely wife, who had been raised in the Arctic Circle and was completely impervious to sub-zero temperatures except for her hands (so she always wore gloves, but her real reason was that she had six fingers on each hand, two of which were thumbs!); Gladys’ mother, Phyllis (– same story! Never cold/six fingers, etc.); and lastly, Mr. Carlton Sourberry of the Sourberry Funeral Home fortune, immortalized in literature by Charles Dickens, Edgar Allan Poe, and Jack & Jill Magazine. 

Interestingly, just a few hours after this photo was taken, it was discovered that Hector Reiflander had actually been killed and torn to pieces by a polar bear at the office earlier in the day. As the picture was being set up with all the guests, Gladys DID notice that “Hector’s” stomach was growling loudly and that his breath smelled strongly of fish sticks, seal blubber, and tweed. She whispered to “him” about it. He merely snorted.

During the cocktail party after the shoot, the bear apparently took offense at Pamela Bumbleberry’s ermine stole and attacked her. Among the dead were Pamela (eaten), Gladys (eaten), Phyllis (half-eaten), and various guests and wait-staff (seen here in the back rows… variously eaten or just nibbled at). Mr. Sourberry made yet another fortune off all the funeral arrangements and catering for the wakes. The polar bear escaped and later founded the Klondike Ice Cream Bar Company. He was never prosecuted.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases Past".... Hiram Chewsnowsky's Therapy.

...it had come to the attention of the faculty at Princeton University's "Carrington Institute of Advanced and Applicable Philosophy" that their dean, Hiram Chewsnowsky was having an existential crisis. Although widely respected and published many times over, nothing seemed to please or excite him anymore. His travels to every corner of the globe to study other societies and religions meant little or nothing to him. He returned from sabbaticals drunk, drugged, or with strange fashion choices, and sometimes with lipstick way outside his lip line, and on one occasion even a false eyelash glued on as a mustache while he sang "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles!".... in his reedy tenor.

Rather than discharge him, or hospitalize him, his colleagues decided to help him in a way that might not alert him to his predicament. They conspired with the Macy's Department store people to claim that the Institute was required by state law "to volunteer for community service" for their continued funding. Although the Carrington Institute, and indeed all of Princeton University, was know to be richly endowed, Chewsnowsky (though morose!) fell for the ruse. It was suggested that he might make a nice Santa Clause during the 6 weeks before Christmas. He was surprised at the suggestion, and told his friends so... "How kenn I bee aun effek-teev Sahnta to ahll doze sveet ceeldren? I am feeled weeth sooch ahngst und selp-dout about dee meening ob life eetself! Weel I nott stain dere yung minds, und eben con-tahmeeniate dere sveet nahtures?"... his fellow professors assured him that No! He would make an interesting and perhaps even inspirational Santa!....

And so it was, that on Friday, November 30th of that year, Professor Hiram Chewsnowsky became Macy's Santa Claus sitting on his great throne in his "North Pole Workshop" on the 6th floor. What the staff and faculty of Princeton had NOT told Hiram was that his first child was Master Randolph Tovar, child prodigy, holder of several degrees in anthropology, ethics, a Ph.D. from Yale in Constructive Philosophy, and the author of the internationally lauded "Advanced Optimistic Thought And Practice In The Geopolitical Playground of The 20th Century"… illustrated with his own rather sophisticated crayon drawings. Princeton had secretly hired 6-year-old Randolph to "sit on Santa's lap", and over the space of two hours, to discuss with him the "meaning of life". It worked!!!!... 

The faraway look in Chewsnowsky's eyes faded, he began to chuckle, to even twinkle, to reveal stories from his troubled childhood, his worries about faculty politics, a fracas in the publishing world, his missing teddy bear, an allergy to lime jello and other foods beginning with the letter "L". By the end of the two hours, the two geniuses had become friends and made plans to lunch together every Friday at the faculty club.... either at Princeton or at the Acacius Page School for Mostly Exceptional Young Persons. ..... it was noted though that other children who had been waiting two hours to meet "Santa" were finally shooed away with some candy that had lint on it...

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Sybil Bruncheon's CHRISTMASES PAST!... the Christmas Card Catastrophe in Poka-Ma-Hola, Idaho...

...and it was at that point that the Poka-Ma-Hola Ladies League of Public Decency began gathering up all the Christmas cards that they felt were frivolous, flippant, and irreligious to be burned in a great bonfire in the town square. Furthermore, the clerks working in the "Holiday Notions & Santa's Workshop" section of Stynkelton's Department Store were threatened with charges of heresy and witchcraft and told that even in their elf costumes they would be thrown into the fire as well if they didn't repent...

...and so, on December 21st, 1955, all of the children in Poka-Ma-Hola, Idaho saw a "Christmas Miracle"..... scores of "elves", middle-aged sales ladies, and unmarried perfume counter clerks kneeling and praying in the snow drifts in front of Stynkelton's Department Store beside the papier-mâché Nativity installation..... modern Idaho folks (oh, and elves!) mixed in with various “Bethlehem” villagers, cows, ducks, geese, and chickens, an ox-and-lamb combo, a drummer boy, an impolite innkeeper and his surly wife, three wise men (or two wise men and a drunk!), bales of hay, a leaky roof, and a giant aluminum "Star" on some fishing-line swinging back in forth in the wind, as the ashes of burning Christmas cards blew across the landscapes of both Bethlehem...and Poka-Ma-Hola.... while the Poka-Ma-Hola ladies yowled "Holy! Holy!! HOLY!!!!" in their cracked voices to Reverend Tinker's portable Hammond organ...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST"... Meyer Flotzam.

...it had all started out so happily... that Christmas of 1951, for Meyer Flotzam, a clever and quickly promoted product-developer at the Gillette Shaving Corporation. For the Christmas gift-giving season, he created his "All-Mechanized & Fully-Automatic Beard 'n' Mustache Trimmer!".... (the merchandising department was going to work on the name!). Meyer had done over 500 perfectly executed and finely tuned trials of the machine in front of technicians, coffee-break claques, boardroom executives, and large convention audiences with not one slip... But then, just as he was showing it to the Wauseon Ladies Republican Club for Harriet Gillette and her luncheon pals, he was called to the phone by her maid. Without thinking, he turned to pick up the receiver...and.... well... it had been such a fine nose too... and so aristocratic.....

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HOLIDAY LAW & ORDER! Episode 339: "Violent Night, Holy Night"...

....starring Mariska Hargitay, Chris Meloni, Narda Onyx, Beverly Garland, Wilbur Fumpt. Synopsis: Santa barges into a forlorn kitchen in Staten Island and mistakes the baby for an old army pal from the Gulf War. Mrs. Edna Ferguson seems unaware that her infant-son did NOT serve in the military at any point and fails to intercede...Santa quarrels over a bottle of vegan formula, and strikes the 3 month old in the face. Mrs. Ferguson offers him a small gift-wrapped box of peanut M&Ms. Santa is not dissuaded and hurls little Frank Jr. into his high chair where he proceeds to attack him further. Mrs. Ferguson looks on smiling, Fortunately, 2 year old Tina, Frank's older sister, picks up a gift wrapped slab of concrete and bludgeons the deranged Santa to death on the linoleum floor. Detectives Munch and Benson quarrel over arresting Tina, Captain Cragen calms them down, and A.D.A. Barba gets the charges dismissed.

During the epilogue, it turns out that little Tina has also gotten away with the murders of the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Smokey the Bear. The "Tina" character is positioned as a recurring psychopath who will return in later episodes as both villain and occasional rescuer. As a toddler, she will be played by Linda Hunt. Fade out.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s CHRISTMAS MEMORIES: Papier-mâché Santa Booties!

....So sweet!!!.... I remember getting these from my grandmother filled with candy..... Sadly, there was one particular Winter where things had gotten quite tough financially for my family, and we actually had to wear our papier-mâché booties out into the snowdrifts. Some local children started to make fun of me, and I turned on them in my newspaper-coat with the Life Magazine-lapels, and scornfully told them that my wardrobe was the latest fashion from Maison Dis-Posette and that these were French couture shoes from the "Vicomte Papier Mâché Chaussures Pour Le Fabuleux"!!.... They were all non-plussed, and one of them began to cry a little. Even though I had won, I still decided to slap them around a little.. just to make sure the "lesson took".... and… well, I may have stolen some of their lunch money too...or a Mickey Mouse watch. I can't remember...(I was twenty-three or so…)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmas In Other Lands!"... It's the thought that counts!

Sybil's "Christmas In Other Lands!"....Darlings! So many of you write me lovely notes and ask questions about all sorts of things; flower arranging, words that begin with "Z", napkin origami, blue food, ...um..."Lady Matters".... and even holiday stories...
For those of you that have always wondered if Santa makes an effort to bring gifts to children all over the world...EVERY child!..no matter WHERE they live!! The answer is YES! Here we see the special presents being made for children in Borneo... and certain remote sections of Papua New Guinea!!

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “Christmases (and OTHER Holidays) Past!”… Thank you, Hanukkah!

Darlings!! I hope your Hanukkah is going beautifully!! And what a clever Holiday too.... Several days of celebration with a different theme each day so if you're a bit cranky one night, you can always cheer up on the next! None of that one-shot-and-you're-done-Christmas-nonsense.

My own mother, whom I've told you all about repeatedly, often was perfectly vile, most especially on Holidays, and if you had a rotten one, well..... tough luck. I'm reminded of the time she dressed as Pochahontas (or as she called herself "Poke-My-Hontas") for a huge Thanksgiving we had been planning for months. She insisted on reciting the entire length of Longfellow's "The Song Of Hiawatha" with an emphasis on the "Loooooong".... and when she got to the line about "Gitchee Gumee", my 5 year old niece couldn't resist yelling out, "You certainly ARE GINCHY-GLOOMY, GRANDMA!" at which point a mince pie fight broke out.... Victims were finding raisins and currents in the most embarrassing places for days afterwards…. Mostly in their…um… ginchies…

On one particular Christmas, Mother dressed as Santa Claus with a huge sack full of toys, and the entire family thought her medications had finally rendered us a joyous holiday..... but she insisted in coming down the chimney where she had set a fire just minutes before. She managed to burn the entire house and the adjoining garden sheds and arboretum to the ground. Fortunately, no one was seriously injured, not even her, but when we had her taken away to Bellevue at midnight, she told the nice ambulance attendants that she wasn't Santa, but rather a giant chestnut and that Mel Tormé had told her to roast herself. At that point, she actually DID look like some sort of nut that had been exposed to the elements, although she appreciated that the strait-jacket was slimming!

...anyway, I want to say a big "Thank you!" to all my Jewish friends for their sensible approach to a Winter holiday.... There of course, is STILL the problem of the traditional menorah and all those candles, but we've solved it by confining Mother to a sweet little flashlight-menorah that the nice Campfire Girls rigged up for us as part of their "Fire-Safety for Fretful Families Jamboree". Sadly, their cookies don't compare to the Girl Scouts…   

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Sybil Bruncheon's Christmas Celebrations From Around The World... Zanesville, Ohio!...

The Veteran's Hall in conjunction with the local 4H Club, the Sons Of Italy, the Kiwanis Club, and the Touch-Mee/Feel-Mee Petting Zoo have all decided to produce this year’s Christmas pageant for the public. The script is an updated version of the classic Nativity. Here we see the arrival of the "three wise men"; they are from left to right "Meyer the Kosher Shoemaker", "Prince Theo of Pixie-Ville", and "Sandy the Man-Woman Who Smells Like Pumpkin-Spice Air Freshener".... the crowd in the background represents various barnyard animals “milling and low-ing” to and fro from their office jobs on the Holy Night. Oh, and there down in the front left of the photo is Mrs. Enid Gruler, the mayor’s wife, who is playing the Virgin Mary for the 65th time…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Christmases Past!"... My new ball gown!

My dear pal, Kimberly Kenney, commissioned a new Christmas ball gown for me! It was just BEAUTIFUL!!...and it fit me perfectly!... There were just a couple of problems; it itched terribly, people kept tripping over my extension cord, and squirrels kept trying to get too friendly around my...um..."lady place"!!....I guess they were looking for nuts! JEEEESH! 

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