Strange Tales: Candace Steinberg......

Candace Steinberg was the first girl in her family to go to college, the first child to go to medical school, and the first person in her wide circle of friends and relatives to undergo the new science of psychoanalysis. Perhaps it was the long hours of study and the pressure of being a female in an all-male college that started the troubles....the anxiety attacks, the over-eating and drinking, the insomnia...and the strange dreams in the few hours she did get of sleep. She finally sought help from her faculty-adviser at Harvard Medical School, the eminent Dr. Eben Critterdomski. She described in surprisingly vivid detail the visuals, the scenarios, and even dialog among the characters in her dream world and wondered what it all meant. "Dr. C", as he was known to his adoring students, was reminded immediately of the fanciful writings of Lewis Carroll and his "Alice" adventures... He listened intently to Candace's dreams; the rooster that predicted the future using lentils that sang in Chinese, the grandmother who was younger than her grandchildren and had a nose on the back of her head, the shoemaker whose hands were like feet but he still had an opposable big toe to hold the hammer, the little cottage with no windows or doors that called out for help every time newspapers were dropped on its front porch..... At first Candace was frightened by her visions, but Dr. C gradually taught her to be fascinated and even amused by them. She began to record them in stunning journals and used them in her own research papers and thesis projects. She became a guest lecturer who traveled to other schools, conducting symposiums and mentoring other students. Even before she graduated, she was asked to join the psychiatric team at the Boston Psychopathic Hospital, where she made incredible breakthroughs with patients who seemed intractable. The faculty at Harvard Medical School gradually fell into her thrall, standing amazed at her crowded lectures, and asking her advice on the most elaborate cases. Finally, when she graduated summa cum laude and valedictorian of her class, Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Karl Abraham, Max Eitingon from Berlin, Sándor Ferenczi from Budapest and the New York-based Abraham Brill all clamored for her company and her expertise. Her innate understanding of the human psyche made her internationally famous, even at 28 years of age..... but then, it all began to change. She took longer and longer breaks from her busy schedule. Her sabbaticals away from the hustle and bustle of University life became more frequent, and less productive. Her absences from guest appearances and lectures were more startling and often with no notice. Her unreliability began to outweigh her brilliant reputation, much to the disappointment of her colleagues. And the rumors of her strange private life spread, along with photos and drawings that she made of her dream world. She made entire volumes and photo albums and stacked them to the ceilings of every room of her home. She withdrew more and more into her journals... and the photos that she staged with props, animals, anything that she could find and borrow to express her innermost "stories"... that's what she called them.... her "stories". .....It was Dr. C and a couple of third year residents who went to her house one night after realizing that no one had seen Candace for as much as a month.... They knocked and knocked, and finally called the campus police. The power had been turned off in the darkened house. With flashlights, the officers lead the way into the cluttered maze of rooms and rooms and rooms, hallways and staircases, closets, and more rooms. They stepped over hundreds of volumes, piles of handwritten papers and crumpled photos, printed documents, sheets of music, children's crayon drawings, and cheap prints of famous masterpieces on place mats from disreputable restaurants.... Finally, at the end of one very long and oddly empty hallway they came upon a door that was locked, apparently from the inside. They pounded and pounded, louder and more frantically fearing the very worst. They found themselves crying and shrieking Candace's name, convinced that this is where she ended up, alone and unloved. The officers hammered the door, kicking at the carved panels and yanking at the jiggling knob and hinges until it splintered at last. The closet was large... and empty, completely empty and immaculately clean as if the floor had been swept and mopped minutes before they had gotten there. ...and all that was left, pinned to the back of the door as they turned and saw it was a single photo. ...a photo of a monkey in a rabbit costume, pushing a wheelbarrow filled with assorted vegetables while a sweet-faced dog looked pensively out of a window with no glass. Weeks of elaborate analysis by her friends and associates, detectives, international medical professionals, and even psychics resulted only in controversy and rancor. It wasn't until a few months later that Dr. C noticed the oddity.... the cement path that ended abruptly in the middle of the lawn... with no explanation or reason... and the emotion in the eyes of both the monkey staring steadfastly at the viewer and the dog looking wistfully at the monkey. ...and something more.... wasn't that a face ...possibly behind the dog, standing just to the left behind the curtain? In the dark... there... yes... right there...isn't it...?

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In The Music World: A New Release!!!

Shopping for a festive gift for someone special??... How about the new release of what promises to be one of Fred Rogers' biggest hit albums? Now available at all fine department stores and children's notions counters! Laughter and Life Lessons for the WHOLE family!

"YOU ARE SPECIAL!....VERY SPECIAL!"... a treasure trove of songs that were never released by Mr. Rogers!!... (all found in a trunk behind an attic radiator)...
Songs include;
1) Would You Like To Feel My Zip-Front Cardigan Sweater?
2) I Have Big Feet. Do You Know What That Means?

3) Won't You Be My Neighbor?...Like Mr. Grimby Who Washes His Car With No Clothes On.

4) Henrietta Pussycat Has Cat-Scratch Fever.

5) King Friday Ran Over a Man….On Purpose.

6) Hi, My Name Is Billy, And I Can Cross My Legs Like Mommy.

7) Let's Say Funny Words About Our Bodies, With the Lights Off!

8) Mr. McFeely Likes To Touch Things…And Cry About Them Later At The Bar

9) Lady Elaine Fairchilde Is A Man. Just Look Under Her Skirt!

10) A Man With An Axe Is In The Back Seat Of Trolley....

...and many, many others!

All these can be yours! Just call M-E-O-W-M-E-O-W-O-W! That's right! Dial 636-963-6969. The nice man will tell you how to order!

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Holiday Bulletins: Cushkin Corners, Oklahoma...

Holiday Bulletins From Around The World!!!...... Cushkin Corners, Oklahoma. The locally famous Smedley family (Mr. Hector & Mrs. Gerardine) had been widely known from the day they first gave birth to their quadruplets back on April 5th, Easter Sunday in 1931. The Great Depression had wiped out both personal fortunes and any optimism from the populace for hundreds of miles, and yet, the near miracle of these four tiny babies being born in a dust bowl cabin and surviving had created a joyous surge of neighborliness and sharing. Country fairs, square dances, barn raisings, quilting bees, 4H festivals, and even "ice cream sociables" were instigated around their annual birthdays from the very first!

….The newspapers reported their first steps, their first words, and even as they got older, the public watched eagerly as they got their driver's licenses, went to their proms, and graduated from their Technical Schools, Beauty Colleges, and Animals Husbandry Academies.... it was only in their 20s that the interest in them began to wane. And that was when the facade began to crack.... jilted at the altar, or failed marriages, DWIs, bad fashion choices, shoplifting arrests, and forlorn Ponzi schemes involving cheap mascaras in local notions shops, all of these took their toll...and it showed. The long spiral downward was inexorable. Here they are at 23 years of age, clockwise from lower left.....Myrtle Mae, Clarenda, Needra, and Francie. (Francie's the one with the carotene disorder...and the...um...floppy ears..).

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Sybil Bruncheon’s April Fooleries!…

"Law & Order SVU?.... Detective Stabler??.... My next door neighbor is naked and wants to play Uncle Wiggly with me!..... APRIL FOOL'S!!!!"....

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...from Sybil Bruncheon's "EASTER EGGS-traordinaries"... Hepplemann Falls, Ohio.......

Easter Weekend Reports From Around The World: .....Hepplemann Falls, Ohio.

Abner Linkmayer and a passenger claiming to be the Easter Bunny were stopped by highway patrolmen today for erratic driving of a John Deere tractor and a 40' wheat harvester down Highway 3 this morning. They managed to mow down four mailboxes, seven fire hydrants, twenty two street signs, and the Bigelow newspaper and notions stand in the town square. (Scotty Bigelow jumped off his stool just in time!) Several airline bottles of Grey Goose, Jim Beam, Southern Comfort, Drambuie, and Manischewitz were found scattered in the hopper of the harvester. Little Abner and Mr. Bunny claimed that they had not been drinking, but that the bottles had come "from the Booze Tree that they had run over back on the MacGregor farm". Police determined later that there was no booze tree on the MacGregor farm, and the botany department of the Clemson College of Agricultural & Animal Husbandry went even farther by declaring that in fact there is no such thing as a booze tree. At that point, Linkmayer and Bunny were heard to laugh raucously, make farting sounds using their hands and armpits, and then throw up all over the police chief's desk. Both are being held without bail until their trial at either the Hepplemann Juvenile Facility ..or at the Gurney Petting Zoo. Details at 6. Bourbon-soaked marshmallow peeps at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s TALES & TAILS: Easter and Passover Stories of Yesteryear!…

In addition to Passover which celebrates the emancipation of the Israelites from slavery in ancient Egypt, there is also the lesser known agricultural holiday of Ослобађање од кокошињца од поо Поос (which is pronounced "Glurph zzjyjal-jadlylxxcvw" and which means "The Chicken Coop is free and clean"). This Holiday always falls on the first weekend in April and commemorates the liberation of all domesticated bird life from the tyranny of rabbits which was the norm for 19th century farm life both here and in Europe!..... Chickens, geese, ducks, and even swans in some places were used as slave labor, food sources, and cheap carnival entertainment by wealthy rabbits and their human collaborators.

Chickens especially were confined to glass boxes in sideshows and fed electronically only when they played well known songs on junky child-pianos often with only a few working keys and usually out of tune. Entire days of repeating "The Farmer In The Dell", "Frère Jacques", and "I Write The Songs" would eventually drive most hens insane or to suicide, and it was not unusual to see many chickens having to drag carts of their own eggs to market to be sold in road-side stands, dyed for Easter, thrown at Vaudeville shows, or scrambled in Greek diners!

Yes, my friends! This is Ослобађање од кокошињца од поо Поос!! The holiday when any self-respecting chicken may throw off the yolk of servitude....oops! The YOKE of servitude, and cry out, "Цоцка кретен!!"....

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Spring time in the garden.....

LADIES!!!...with the weather getting warmer, the days getting longer, and Spring just around the corner, NOW is the time to get out in your garden and start checking for pests in your flower beds! Remember, the sooner you start, the better off your lovely vegetables and flowers will be....Your garden will thank you. And so will the rest of the planet Earth....

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Sybil Bruncheon’s 31 Days of Halloween: A Parenting Bulletin!!!......

Friends, do you have a difficult child in your home? Now it's best to be honest, BRUTALLY honest with yourself and face the harsh reality of a "bad child". Perhaps through no fault of your own, your son or daughter..(or whatever!) is perpetually naughty, and has been so nearly from birth!... maybe even in the Delivery Room? Did your newborn pull a sharp object on your obstetrician... and the attending nurses?

Does your toddler bite, scratch, or kick its playmates, a valuable piece of antique furniture... or even plumbing fixtures?

Does your pre-schooler speak in strange foreign languages or make tropical animal sounds with accompanying gestures, especially when religious persons are visiting, or perhaps your employer and his unsuspecting wife?

Has your child claimed to have a "secret friend"??..... with a name like "Monkey-Woman", "Curtis the Curved-Cucumber", "Qitzzl-Patyl", or "Mrs. Roosevelt"????

Does your 1st grader put his clothes on backwards, or upside down....or does he go out for the day with no clothes on whatsoever?

Does your youngster eat all his vegetables, but insist on biting them directly out of the ground with his own teeth?

Has your daughter ever carried on lengthy and expensive long-distance phone calls... on her shoes... with famous mimes??

Has your child started collecting odd things, like olive pits, burnt matches, or navel lint?

Has your youngster ever used his bedroom closet as a "private elevator to Uncle Satan's house"?

Does your son shoplift various make-up items, and then open a beauty counter at your dining room table when your bridge club meets on Thursdays... where he introduces himself as "Mr. Nancy: Make-up Mentor To Mass-Murderers!"…

These and other peculiar eccentricities can be the advanced and sometimes incurable signs of "Willful Naughtiness". What can a caring parent do? The first step is to call our switchboard and purchase the books and tools needed to turn this terrible situation around! But you must act NOW! Time is of the essence! Our operators are waiting to help YOU! Just dial S-A-V-E-M-Y-B-R-A-T! That's right! Dial 728-369-2728. The nice man will tell you how to order! Procrastination may be fatal!... Don't wait until your sweet little bundle of joy wakes you up one morning ... with a blowtorch… and an axe!

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