Sybil Bruncheon's "Didja Know??"... all about Hummels; Part 2…

Boys and Girls, did you know that all of Grandma's little Hummels are in fact just stale, very stale German cake frosting that are quite edible?... (after they've been soaked for a few days in a combination of hot Earl Grey tea and two drops of kerosene!) And did you know that the nice lady that first made Hummels was a nun in Rödental, Germany? Rödental means "Rat-ville" or "Mouse-burger" or maybe something about teeth... whatever.

The first Hummels were made in 1935, and that was a special time in Germany, because a man named Adolf Hitler was the boss, and everyone in the country tried to make him like them. (Do you know someone like that today?) So the nice lady-nun who made all sorts of Hummel milkmaids, and farmers, and goat herders designed a special Hummel for Mr. Hitler. She called it "Everyone Loves The Führer"! It was part of a series of Hummels that had names like "Scotty Has A Brown Shirt And Maxi Has A Black One", "Franz Runs Into The Woods Late At Night", "Lisle Has A Box With A Plunger", and "Fritzi Says Bad Things About France And Poland". Many Hummels are very valuable, so be careful when Grandma leaves you alone with them, especially if you take one down from the shelf and see if maybe it's ticking!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Our Hysterical Histories":... Ma Crayoller…

... but then that was the way things t'were in 1843. Berenice Crayoller had owned a fancy gourmet restaurant in Baltimore serving the rich and famous, including a couple of Presidents who’d travel all the way from Washington. Sadly, she finally had to run off from her drunken and abusive husband Abner and crossed the wide continent to start anew. It was her dream to bring her "Ma Crayoller's Caviar & Croissant Café" to the Indians she had read so much about in the Baltimore Bugle... "Now who dassn't love a nice hot breakfast treat on a chilly morn?", she declared as she rode her covered café-wagon out of Ft. Apache...

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Sybil Bruncheon's TALES & TAILS:... up on the roof...

Myrtle Meowerson and Yaleen Yowlbeck often conferred with each other at the odd times when their human staff members were busy with their chores, duties, or whatever it was that those giant, clumsy walking-appliances do… preferably elsewhere! The girls heard a commotion coming from down the block on the Rue de La Chatte Derange and knew immediately it was a kerfuffle involving Yaleen's brother-in-law Ivan and some oafish dog he had cornered… or maybe a brat he'd roughed up in an alley for teasing and withholding an ice cream.

Of course, Thérèse, Yaleen's sister and Ivan's long-suffering but enabling wife pretended not to notice all the screeching and crashing, but then Myrtle always said that Thérèse was "as dumb as a spaniel... and nearly as drooly!"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Holy Hilarity & Seminary Silliness!":... that heavenly glow...

Sister Bridget saw MOMMIE DEAREST on the Late, Late Show and remembered when nice Joan Crawford put her face into the sink full of alcohol and ice to make her skin so beautiful. So she and the girls took a barrel of the vintage chablis and... well... it was the Mother Superior's birthday!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Holy Hilarity & Seminary Silliness!": ... a disturbance out front...

"Take that, Lucifer! Thou disguisest thyself as a holy sister, but thou art nothing more than a penguin in spectacles and comfortable shoes! I banish thee from our Bingo Hall with this snow made from Holy Water!"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Didja Know??"... all about Hummels; Part 1…

Did you know that all Hummels are in fact just stale, very stale German cake frosting that are quite edible... after they've been soaked for a few days in a combination of hot Earl Grey tea and two drops of kerosene! They come in a variety of interesting, entertaining, and even instructive shapes and formats! "The 8 Year Old Milk Maid & The Rough-Handed Blacksmith", "The Prepubescent Pirate & The Nun With The Torn Wimple", "The Candle-Maker Makes His Wick Hot", "The Lonely Bearded Lady & The Overly Friendly Goats", and "Fritzi Reads The Paper While Making A Boom-Boom" are particularly tasty. Just bite off a hoof or a buttock and ENJOY!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST"... precocious children and bothersome adults.

...known for being little geniuses by the M.I.T. community, Bartholomew Crichton at 8 years of age and Enid Crichton at 5 had turned their talents to inventing a fully automated "Santa Robot" to be used in department stores. At the unveiling, the children demonstrated that their machine could perform 46 different amazing tasks, including sitting, standing, walking, climbing both up and down, slinging a 60lb bag of toys on its shoulder, putting the bag back down, unloading each toy individually, handing them gently to the assistants and delighted onlookers, offering his lap to visitors and asking them what they would like for Christmas, and eating cookies. It was after the triumphant exhibition, much later in the night, that a surly janitor decided to give the robot-Santa a cup of hot cocoa from his thermos. In the morning, the authorities found the janitor scattered over ten miles of wooded countryside leading to the orphanage where "Santa" was discovered napping in a manger under the Christmas tree. He was wearing only a diaper made from a bedspread, and had fashioned a halo for himself out of a garbage can lid. The incident was regarded as a miracle by both the scientific and department store communities. International bidding for "The Crichton Santa" was immediate and feverish with competition from the Bergdorf, Bloomingdale, Saks, and Strauss families, from both Tiffany and Cartier, and from the Vatican as well. It was the Smithsonian Institute that finally won, eventually putting the new acquisition next to the Hope Diamond. Enid and Bartholomew went on to work extensively in the new fields of astrophysics and string theory. Mr. Hiram Gallet, the janitor (in pieces!), was gathered up by police personnel, and his body was donated to the Museum of Natural History to be mummified and used in a diorama about cannibals in New Guinea. He had no family or relations. 

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “A Whole Month Of Thanksgiving”… Leftovers!

Bernice had enjoyed Aunt Carlina's pumpkin pie so much, that when she finished the last piece, she decided to wear the nice doily from the pie plate as a hat- ..um, thingie. .....and she wore it straight through to Easter the following Spring. ...even though the crumbs started attracting the ants back in March…. And oh, how they itched.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Thanksgivings Past!... Before The Parade Passes By!"...

Long before Macy's spent millions and millions of dollars over an entire year getting ready for the annual Thanksgiving Day Parade, there was, of course, a "first parade". The story goes that a Mr. Hiram Neenokker in the "Gentlemen's Tools & Repair Implements" department got together with his pals Maury Spinnaker from "Paints & Shingling" and Marcus Pompule in "Ties & Cravats" and decided to put on a little celebration for the holiday. Mrs. Crowley in the Ladies' Luncheonette on the 6th floor said she had a farm wagon in her backyard and some trees that needed to be cut down for the new driveway, and Myrtle-Anne Maplehead had leftover costumes from the Mt. Zenith Ice Cream Sociable in September (their theme had been our "Indian Friends and Their Bounteous Welcome to Our Ancestors". They all got together on Thanksgiving morning after a night of rum-punch and pinochle and drove their improvised "scenic tableaux" as Mr. Pompule called it down Lefkowitz Blvd. before they were ticketed by the police. The board of directors at Macy's found out in the police gazette the next day, and on Monday, thanked the group explaining that perhaps "they'd like some help the following year with their nice little idea"...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Thanksgiving Household Hints & Helpfuls!"...

Facebook Friends!… Making plans for your Thanksgiving?? Why not get in touch with the Institute of Advanced Thankfulness & Attendant Festivities? They have a staff of internationally recognized experts who have lifted the traditional "turkey 'n' stuffing" we all grew up with into a science. And by applying protocols of research, experimentation, and advanced study they have made breakthroughs that may eliminate all the trial and error of improvised side dishes, improperly prepared recipes from Grandma, dried out or fossilized turkey carcasses, bizarre Jello concoctions, and timing catastrophes between arrivals of appetizers and apple pies. They can even provide the modern housewife with special garments which aid in the whole process and protect her from injury while giving her every kitchen utensil she could possibly need. Why not get in touch with our staff today? Just call I-M-N-O-T-U-R-K-E-Y... that's right! Dial 466-688-7539. The nice man will tell you how to order!… and wait! This just in! If you order now, you’ll receive the new miniature carry-all purse-sized version of these handy dandy items… invented by our own Dr. Heidi Klieber, it’s the new “Swiss Army Wife”!… Perfect for Picnics, Parties, or the Battle-Front! It can perform over 76 different “wifely-functions”!… even after “lights-out”!... Call today!

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