Sybil Bruncheon’s "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... the chemistry set...

....and it was then that Santa realized that a chemistry set for Billy had been a bad idea!!.... who would have thought that an 8-year-old would figure out how to make chloroform??....

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... цукерка корму..

...and then, the little children of цукерка корму tried to console their village Santa who had been so hideously disfigured in the scented-candle factory accident! He was afraid that he would make the sweetlings scream and cry when they came to ask him for their special Christmas wishes...and maybe kick and scratch him...or even stab him. But NO!...every child knew that he was still their own special Santa.... and that now, instead of smelling of vodka and kippers, he would smell like Glade's "Holiday Pumpkin Spice Caprice"... and that made them all even happier!!!

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions... "Der Bingle"..

I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Among my favorites is just about anything Bing Crosby sings at this time of year! I know that makes me a Lawrence Welk-ite in the eyes of most of you, but “Der Bingle” practically owned Christmas as his own particular franchise. Irving Berlin certainly thought so! Imagine, Bing’s version of “White Christmas” is among the most profitable and widely sold pieces of music of all time! For me, one of the very happiest and most fun to lip-sync to around the house is “Mele Kalikimaka”….with the Andrews Sisters on top of it all!!! Hula Heaven!! Now where’s my grass skirt and coconut brassiere?? …and I need a little paper umbrella for my Mai Tai too!!

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions... Kate Smith..

CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions... Kate Smith..

I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Among my favorites is “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas” by just about anybody, especially if they sing the counter-point song "Pine Cones and Holly Berries" also written by Meredith Willson!!! (I love two songs meshing beautifully through each other.)

But if I had to pick one of my favorite versions, it would be Kate Smith’s. All her 200 lb., deep contralto, swingin’ phrasings barreling along with a hearty combination of sincerity and apple pie a la mode!... (heavy on the a la mode!) Like having a Mother Superior, a beloved Irish police sergeant, and a lady gym teacher all rolled into one professional wrestler telling you about “the sturdy kind that doesn’t mind the snow”….. and she definitely understood the meaning of “sturdy”…. You betcha!!!

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions… Goulet Goulash..

I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Having said that and admitting my “Guilty Pleasure”, I now must add my “Dirty Confession” that I despise some of their Christmas offerings…. Like Robert Goulet’s “This Christmas I Spend With You”…. If ever, EVER there was a song that embodies everything that folks parody about Goulet, it’s this one. He chews and gaaa-rowls and schmoo-OOOZES his way through each and every note. There’s nothing off-hand or thrown away about a single flat or sharp!!…. Even his rests are loaded with unctuousness. Listening to it is like being bathed in hot fudge sauce, which would be terrific, except when someone holds your head under a cascading faucet of it, and your last thought is, “Dear God, I’m going to drown in hot fudge! I can't breathe and .....it hurts! Oh GOD, IT HURTS!!!!....HOT FUDGE HURR… ….GGGGGRRRRRGGGGLLLLLLLJJJJRZZZFGULJHGldhehhjj…..”

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions… Mitch Miller.

I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Having said that and admitting my “Guilty Pleasure”, I now must add my “Dirty Confession” that I despise some of their Christmas offerings…. Like Mitch Miller’s “Must Be Santa”…… yeesh! It’s like a Christmas version of “99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall”……or that Nipplety Pipplety Wiggly Piggly song Suzanne Pleshette’s schoolchildren all sing in THE BIRDS before her eyes get pecked out!!! I’ve tried singing along with the song (BOTH songs actually!) but I think Hitchcock got it right. Some songs just drive innocent listeners to distraction, and when I hear “Must Be Santa” or Nipplety-Pipplety, I just want to run mad through a shopping center with a Phillips screwdriver….. and a seagull.

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions / Dino is Keeno!...

I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

JEEESH!!! Among my favorites is just about anything Dean Martin sings, but especially "A Marshmallow World". His garbled, nearly falling-down-drunk phrasing amuses me no end! It's that funny, facetious Las Vegasy presentation that doesn't pretend to be something that it's not. Whenever I hear him sing, he just sounds like a favorite uncle clowning around the kitchen and wanting to be loved! ...and oh, how I love him! Thank you, Deano-rooni!!!

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions... "Jingle Bells"

CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions / The Holiday Music Edition..... I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Having said that and admitting my “Guilty Pleasure”, I now must add my “Dirty Confession” that I despise some of their Christmas offerings!!!!…. Like The Singing Dogs’ rendition of “Jingle Bells”! I am widely known as a rabid animal lover! I ADORE dogs, but this recording has driven me to the point of eating in Korean restaurants…. IN SEOUL!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's LAW & ORDER CHRISTMAS MARATHON!!!...

I have received special recognition by the Law & Order franchises!.... it seems that I have appeared as a dead body in more Holiday episodes’ opening credits than any other actress! They are as follows;

1) "aged ballerina dressed as Suzy Snowflake… melted by blowtorch",

2) "department-store Mrs. Santa Claus sliced neatly into 36 pieces by runaway sleigh",

3) "candy counter lady dipped in very expensive chocolate ganache and boxed as a giant truffle",

4) "Salvation Army volunteer stewed in her kettle with bell....and loose change",

5) "naked ex-pinup girl bent into candy-cane shape… and painted with red and white stripes",

6) "temporary saleslady at luxury candle shop turned into lavender scented wax dummy of Joan Of Arc ....and burned",

7) "professional gift wrapping manageress origamied into an 8x11 legal envelope…with a Burl Ives postage stamp",

8) "sober socialite at AA mixer water-boarded in giant punch bowl of alcohol-free egg nog… cinnamon sticks found in nose",

9) "customer in Bergdorf's fine shoe department trampled by hooves of eight tiny reindeer",

10) "homeless woman found frozen to death inside an orphanage Frosty-The-Snowman... near the swing-set",

11) "wealthy dowager stuffed up chimney in Park Avenue triplex on Christmas Eve and found later in the Spring",

12) "mother of Amahl raped and murdered by three deranged night visitors…in drag!... and smelling of patchouli… and nutmeg!",

13) "television baking chef made into huge gingerbread lady in front of millions of viewers ..with strategically placed raisins"

Chris Meloni sent me a special fruitcake that I'm sure will make a great door stop! (He even autographed it in frosting.... at least, I think it was… frosting....)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... early television takes on the holidays...

With all this talk of Christmas TV Specials at the Holiday season, did I ever tell you about my early days on TV starting in 1950? I was a guest star on several of those shows until Joe McCarthy and the Red Scare got me blacklisted from show business for wearing a pink bouclé lunch suit to Roy Cohn's birthday party.... and to think that my own series "Bachelorette Alien From Another World" was replaced by "My Favorite Martian"…because Bill Bixby and Ray Walston were Republicans!... (bastards!).

Here are the roles I played on each one of those shows!!......   

     1) Twilight Zone: I played the nice toy store lady that sold the family the jumbo-sized tub of Silly Putty. It magically began to sing a moving rendition of “Oh, Holy Night” after the second commercial break… and then ate them all in the final scene…

     2) Roy Rogers: I played “Big Chief Throws Like a Girl” who won the Cowboys vs. Comanches softball finals in the 9th inning!....in the snow.

     3) Bob Hope Show: I was cast as Bob Hope’s otolaryngologist for three seasons of head colds, until it was decided that his nose was finally “incurable”… and possibly terminal.

     4) The Honeymooners: I was cast as Ralph’s Aunt Cornelia, the “bus fare cheat” who would sneak onto city buses disguised as a parcel of groceries that someone had left behind… I was only caught when Ralph groped my lamb-shank and tried nibbling on my tollhouse cookies…

     5) The Real McCoys: I was cast as Widow Brokoff who had a crush on Grandpappy Amos, but kicked him in the shin when he wouldn’t take me to “the ice cream sociable” as Suzy Snowflake.

     6) The Untouchables: I was cast as mob boss “Francine Nitti”…. The twin sister of Frank, and much more deadly, especially when I riddled a backyard Christmas creche with machine gun fire, blowing holes through two shepherds, a camel, and a little drummer boy.

     7) The Beverly Hillbillies: I was cast as Nancy Culp’s stunt double in a Nativity scene. Jethro ran over me ...with a goat!

     8) The Lone Ranger: I again reappeared as “Big Chief Throws Like a Girl”, but I had given up softball to become the wife of Tonto…. He changed his mind at the altar, and ran away again with the “Masked Avenger”!...... (Jeeesh!)

     9) Leave It To Beaver: I was cast as Eddie Haskell’s mother decorating the Christmas tree with him, but she ends up in an asylum for “Parents Of The Criminally Insane” when Eddie tries plugging her into a frayed extension cord.

   10) The Three Stooges: I was cast as “Floribunda”, the only female stooge…..literally a “Stoogiatrix”… nobody cared.

   11) Gilligan’s Island: I was cast as “Amelia Earhart”……. enough said….

   12) I Dream Of Jeannie: I was cast as Bombazina, a belly-dancer with a raisin in her navel. The Ivory Soap sponsors dropped the show that night.

   13) I Love Lucy: I was cast as Gretel, Ethel’s long lost identical twin visiting for the Holidays…. Fred pushed me down the back stairs, thinking I was Ethel…

   14) Lost In Space: I played Bugreena, the green lady who falls in love with Zachary Smith… “Handsome, pretty handsome Dr. Smith!!”…..need I say that he turned out to be the biggest girl on the set?!?!

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