Sybil Bruncheon's "Holiday Notices From Around the.... um.. UNDER-world..."

....and so, the Little Sisters of Carefully Considered Caffeination after many years of charitable works and loving kindness to the community lost their way.... probably at the corner Starbucks at Court and Joralemon Streets. It all started on an "extra-bonus-points" Wednesday when they were offered the super-super-venti hot, (VERY HOT!) mocha-mint-caramel-nutmeg-chili-flakes-South-of-the-border-Mexicali frappuccino...with glitter-sprinkles and a sprig of holly....or possibly poison ivy.

...within hours, all the formerly innocent Sisters were caught making lewd comments during reruns of the Flying Nun, playing strip Old-Maid, and finally doing nude hula-hooping to Chubby Checker records. They were excommunicated shortly after drawing bare bosoms on 8x10 glossies of Deborah Kerr, Audrey Hepburn, and Rosalind Russell. To say that they ended up "going to Hell in a hand-basket" doesn't begin to describe the awful degeneracy and damnation that they descended to.... They disappeared into a giant hole in the ground at Coney Island amid raucous laughter, horrified shrieks, yowled hymns of indeterminate origin, and blaring horn-blowing and Demonic braying! Inexplicably, there was also a strong smell of sulfur, farts, and strawberry shortcake. They were never seen again.... but their Starbucks bonus points are still waiting to be cashed in... by the prayerful…

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Sybil Bruncheon's "THANKSGIVINGS PAST!"... you are what you eat... “TV Dinner”…

...Sadly, this was the episode where the Waltons were trapped for 4 months in the winter on Walton Mountain. They were forced to make their supplies last by dining on some of their own relatives.... here the traditional Thanksgiving dinner has been ...um... prepared: the Jedediah/Sweet Potato Casserole with "bacon bits", the Betty Mae/Waldorf salad with "fritters", the Enoch/"Pigs"-in-a-blanket, the Clementine/Cranberry sauce with "sausage-ettes", the Fiona/ Artichokes and "Sweetbreads", and the Little Biff/S'mores avec "médaillons d'imitation de veau"....

Despite their ...um, "discomfort", the remaining family managed to celebrate the Holiday season happily, and the ratings for this episode broke all records up to that point... even surpassing The Bing Crosby Christmas-Cannibal Special... starring the King Family …as an entire smörgåsbord table. 

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Sybil's Thanksgiving Bulletins From Around The World!.... The Crosleys...

TODAY IN THE NEWS..... The Crosley family was found Friday morning slumped over what appeared to be their Thanksgiving dinner. Medical personnel immediately suspected dangerous levels of tryptophan in the turkey! ....or perhaps it was the sugar levels in the sweet potato, maple syrup, and marshmallow-ette casserole? EPA men were called in to check for the presence of radon or other toxic gases; Cousin Bob was found slumped over in his 1967 Ford Fairlane parked in the garage with the motor still running.... was it perhaps the carbon monoxide from the car, and was this all a suicide/murder attempt on his part?? Authorities and investigators were baffled until one of the detectives found a video recorder dropped by the coffee table. He turned it back on and the horror, oh God, the horror was discovered right there!!!.....It wasn’t food poisoning or gases… In a deadly confluence of Uncle Fred's endless "knock-knock jokes" and Cousin Millie's tearful stories about being stood up at her junior prom 37 years ago the entire family had succumbed to “Holiday-At-Home-itis”. It was all caught on the video. The people standing closest to Fred hit the ground as if clubbed…. Millie’s listeners collapsed within seconds, some of them falling face forward into their stuffing or drowning in their butternut squash soup…. Family members who were standing farther away but still within ear-shot were found twisted hideously with contorted expressions of fear or boredom on their faces, not unlike the ancient victims unearthed in Pompeii…. The police personnel who found the video camera and made the innocent mistake of turning it on directly into their own eyes were instantly overwhelmed by the toxicity that killed the family, and had to be dragged shrieking and writhing out onto the front lawn to get some air and be attended by EMS workers. Although the taped evidence was valuable, it had to be turned over to a government HAZMAT team, and be put under the direction of the anti-terrorist divisions of both the FBI and CIA. (An interesting side note; Dick Cheney has proposed that the tape be copied onto easily carried dvds and mailed to ISIS hideouts to wipe out enemy strongholds.) Details at 6. HAZMAT-approved goggles and masks at 11. Stay tuned.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Thanksgivings Past".... tonight's specials...

Today, there is so much resentment against the so-called "1%" and their callousness towards a struggling working class, but did you know that in times past they were no better?? It's true! It was a popular tradition on Thanksgiving for the rich to drop by each other's penthouse mansions and glorious townhouses for what they called their "Pricey Potlucks". Every guest would show up with something incredibly exotic or luxurious and, in the spirit of "conspicuous consumption" and even waste, they would dine or dispose of everything within reach... Here, a llama, just bought from the children's petting zoo is being taken to Lord Cecil Crayol's mansionette on 5th Avenue across from Henry Frick's place. Lord Cecil's money, of course, came from the "Crayola Crayon" empire, and Henry Frick made his money in steel... they apparently either ate the llama or had it trample a dwarf... or both... (or maybe THEY ate the dwarf... and had the llama made into a fluffy bath-mat... whatever...)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Thanksgivings Past"... sur-REAL.....

It was never clear and certainly never explained why in 1933 with the Depression raging and tensions building in Europe that the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade committee turned the design of the floats and balloons over to Salvador Dali...All that could be determined later was that he should have been more closely supervised by the staff of the store...or at least by the in-house employee psychologist, if only to avoid possible scandals and lawsuits. But on Thursday morning, November 30th, when his unexplained "Fish With High Heels" sailed down the avenue and it was met by a shrieking crowd, nothing could be done. Nor was there much help that medical and police personnel could do for the dead and dying among the stampede victims. The toll might have remained at only a few hundred, but the hideous thing broke loose from its handlers and drifted North-North-East into Yonkers where it began its clumsy rampage of terror and destruction into Duchess county and on up into Connecticut before a squadron of biplanes shot it down and burned the hated thing in a bonfire in Hartford on the steps of the state capitol...

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Sybil Bruncheon's "THANKSGIVINGS PAST"... the morning after....

The dark underside of the Macy's parade and the Hollywood celebrities that appear in it!!!... Yeah, it's all marching bands, jolly elves, twirling batons, happy clowns dancing on musical floats, and children, children everywhere! But what about the next morning? ...That bleak Friday when the stinking garbage is full of discarded sweet potatoes with their soggy marshmallows, wilted green beans turning brown, and a picked-over turkey carcass! ... Somewhere on a littered side-street a former star of the silver screen lies face-down in a gutter after a night of cigarettes, cheap women, and Wild Turkey in a crumpled paper cup! Where are Goofy and Mickey?... in the balcony at the Gaiety maybe. Where's Minnie?.. turning one last trick over in the Central Park boathouse or out near the piers with a traveling salesman....or two? Where's Pluto? ..taking a leak against the railing at Gracie Mansion?... Yeah!..where's a pal when you need them, huh?... It's a rough town!..and a rough business when you run around in a sailor suit... but with no pants...

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The NRA throws a par-TAY!!!!

BREAKING NEWS from the CNN news desk!... The NRA and its supporters in Congress are inviting the public to a special holiday event in the home of their beloved Charlton Heston! For the nominal fee of $900 per ticket you too can have the pleasure of an evening of merry-making, tale-telling, hunting lore, exotic cocktails, and gourmet snacks made from freshly killed zoo animals! Seminars will include "Furs in Fashion", "Fishing With Hand Grenades", and "Taxidermy for Fun 'n' Forever!".... and the whole she-BANG will take place on Heston's estate including in his famous "I'M LOADED Game Room"...(please! NO smoking!...there's too much gunpowder lying around!) Want tickets? Just dial C-O-L D-E-D H-A-N-Z. That's right, dial 265-333-4260. The nice man will tell you how to order! 

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Sybil Bruncheon's "Hollywood Scandals".... Here, Kitty, Kitty!....

Back in 2015, the producers of the new James Bond film SPECTRE (2015) revealed that the great Angela Lansbury was to make a cameo appearance in it as "Poosy Galore"... still sexy, curvaceous, though “mature”... and..um... frisky...

Co-star Daniel Craig acknowledged at a press conference that Lansbury "Sure is a great kisser!...once you get past the whiskers!.....oh, and the yowling..."

Interestingly, because of the great difference in their ages (Daniel Craig was 41 and Lansbury admitted to be only slightly over 112), there was now some talk in Hollywood of Lansbury being accused of sexually inappropriate behavior... "with a youngster"! The networks may cancel all reruns of MURDER SHE WROTE, and Disney is pulling Mrs. Potts tea sets from the Magic Kingdom gift shops. Further details on the news at 6.... 8mm peep-show at 11.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "30 DAYS OF THANKSGIVING!"... That's show business!....

The idea was really good.. actually GREAT! A ventriloquist act that centered on Thanksgiving with a turkey, a girl, and an axe, and all for the Orpheum Vaudeville circuit!.. right around the Holiday! No one had ever done it before, and when news of it hit the casting offices, everyone wanted to book it....all the way up to Flo Ziegfeld!.... but then..the sad downward spiral that hits those overnight sensations. You see, the dummy kept falling over or breaking, and Tom couldn’t work her arms right... and you could see his beak move every time he tried to make her ask for more cranberry sauce… Finally, he started drinking Wild Turkey… and then… his hair transplants fell out. To support his drinking, he finally sold her to a third-rate magician… to saw in half… or… um… “make friends with”… out on the road…

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Sybil's "My Merry Memoirs"!!!.....

....My Show-Biz Adventures!..... In the 1950s, during the great nun-frenzy that swamped both Broadway and Hollywood, I was cast in THE FRISKY SISTER (1956), a "rolling rollicking romp of riotous religi-osity"!! It was the very last film that L.B. Mayer produced, and, as a matter of fact, it was premiered at his funeral while the family was sitting shiva. I was asked to bring my guitar and sing some of the hit songs, including "No Whimpering In My Wimple!", "Dominika-Nika-Natrix!", "I Confess That I'm A Mother...Superior!", and "Living On Bread And Water And Some Hill-Billy Kissin'". It starred Wally Cox, Eartha Kitt, Alice Ghostley, Louis Nye, Narda Onyx, and Pinkie Floozleton & His Merry-Makin' Monks!!!!.... And the big finale with the hand puppets at the Nazi cocktail party was really the best!. …ah, good times..... good times.... sadly, the two sequels were box-office failures; NUN BUT THE BRAVE (1957), a Western where I fell in love with a nice Apache man who was selling trinkets door-to-door and eventually becomes the Pope, and BREAKING THE HABIT (1958), a women's prison film where I start out as spiritual advisor to a bunch of hardened lady-criminals and end up running a corrupt bingo ring in Sing-Sing as "head-bitch" in cell block seven. I'm finally saved from the electric chair by a tuna fish sandwich that had the image of Saint Cornichonette in its mayonnaise. (photo by Lawrence Hunter)

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