CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions… Goulet Goulash..

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I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Having said that and admitting my “Guilty Pleasure”, I now must add my “Dirty Confession” that I despise some of their Christmas offerings…. Like Robert Goulet’s “This Christmas I Spend With You”…. If ever, EVER there was a song that embodies everything that folks parody about Goulet, it’s this one. He chews and gaaa-rowls and schmoo-OOOZES his way through each and every note. There’s nothing off-hand or thrown away about a single flat or sharp!!…. Even his rests are loaded with unctuousness. Listening to it is like being bathed in hot fudge sauce, which would be terrific, except when someone holds your head under a cascading faucet of it, and your last thought is, “Dear God, I’m going to drown in hot fudge! I can't breathe and .....it hurts! Oh GOD, IT HURTS!!!!....HOT FUDGE HURR… ….GGGGGRRRRRGGGGLLLLLLLJJJJRZZZFGULJHGldhehhjj…..”

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions… Mitch Miller.

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I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Having said that and admitting my “Guilty Pleasure”, I now must add my “Dirty Confession” that I despise some of their Christmas offerings…. Like Mitch Miller’s “Must Be Santa”…… yeesh! It’s like a Christmas version of “99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall”……or that Nipplety Pipplety Wiggly Piggly song Suzanne Pleshette’s schoolchildren all sing in THE BIRDS before her eyes get pecked out!!! I’ve tried singing along with the song (BOTH songs actually!) but I think Hitchcock got it right. Some songs just drive innocent listeners to distraction, and when I hear “Must Be Santa” or Nipplety-Pipplety, I just want to run mad through a shopping center with a Phillips screwdriver….. and a seagull.

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions / Dino is Keeno!...

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I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

JEEESH!!! Among my favorites is just about anything Dean Martin sings, but especially "A Marshmallow World". His garbled, nearly falling-down-drunk phrasing amuses me no end! It's that funny, facetious Las Vegasy presentation that doesn't pretend to be something that it's not. Whenever I hear him sing, he just sounds like a favorite uncle clowning around the kitchen and wanting to be loved! ...and oh, how I love him! Thank you, Deano-rooni!!!

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions... "Jingle Bells"

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CHRISTMAS MUSIC: Guilty Pleasures & Dirty Confessions / The Holiday Music Edition..... I know it's very tacky, but I start listening to the Music Choice "Sounds of the Seasons" channel on cable during Thanksgiving week.... As silly as it is to many people, I sometimes just enjoy the simple pleasure of Christmas carols to ease my mind and lower my stress.

Having said that and admitting my “Guilty Pleasure”, I now must add my “Dirty Confession” that I despise some of their Christmas offerings!!!!…. Like The Singing Dogs’ rendition of “Jingle Bells”! I am widely known as a rabid animal lover! I ADORE dogs, but this recording has driven me to the point of eating in Korean restaurants…. IN SEOUL!!!

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Sybil Bruncheon's LAW & ORDER CHRISTMAS MARATHON!!!...

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I have received special recognition by the Law & Order franchises!.... it seems that I have appeared as a dead body in more Holiday episodes’ opening credits than any other actress! They are as follows;

1) "aged ballerina dressed as Suzy Snowflake… melted by blowtorch",

2) "department-store Mrs. Santa Claus sliced neatly into 36 pieces by runaway sleigh",

3) "candy counter lady dipped in very expensive chocolate ganache and boxed as a giant truffle",

4) "Salvation Army volunteer stewed in her kettle with bell....and loose change",

5) "naked ex-pinup girl bent into candy-cane shape… and painted with red and white stripes",

6) "temporary saleslady at luxury candle shop turned into lavender scented wax dummy of Joan Of Arc ....and burned",

7) "professional gift wrapping manageress origamied into an 8x11 legal envelope…with a Burl Ives postage stamp",

8) "sober socialite at AA mixer water-boarded in giant punch bowl of alcohol-free egg nog… cinnamon sticks found in nose",

9) "customer in Bergdorf's fine shoe department trampled by hooves of eight tiny reindeer",

10) "homeless woman found frozen to death inside an orphanage Frosty-The-Snowman... near the swing-set",

11) "wealthy dowager stuffed up chimney in Park Avenue triplex on Christmas Eve and found later in the Spring",

12) "mother of Amahl raped and murdered by three deranged night visitors…in drag!... and smelling of patchouli… and nutmeg!",

13) "television baking chef made into huge gingerbread lady in front of millions of viewers ..with strategically placed raisins"


Chris Meloni sent me a special fruitcake that I'm sure will make a great door stop! (He even autographed it in frosting.... at least, I think it was… frosting....)

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... early television takes on the holidays...

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With all this talk of Christmas TV Specials at the Holiday season, did I ever tell you about my early days on TV starting in 1950? I was a guest star on several of those shows until Joe McCarthy and the Red Scare got me blacklisted from show business for wearing a pink bouclé lunch suit to Roy Cohn's birthday party.... and to think that my own series "Bachelorette Alien From Another World" was replaced by "My Favorite Martian"…because Bill Bixby and Ray Walston were Republicans!... (bastards!).

Here are the roles I played on each one of those shows!!......   

     1) Twilight Zone: I played the nice toy store lady that sold the family the jumbo-sized tub of Silly Putty. It magically began to sing a moving rendition of “Oh, Holy Night” after the second commercial break… and then ate them all in the final scene…

     2) Roy Rogers: I played “Big Chief Throws Like a Girl” who won the Cowboys vs. Comanches softball finals in the 9th inning!....in the snow.

     3) Bob Hope Show: I was cast as Bob Hope’s otolaryngologist for three seasons of head colds, until it was decided that his nose was finally “incurable”… and possibly terminal.

     4) The Honeymooners: I was cast as Ralph’s Aunt Cornelia, the “bus fare cheat” who would sneak onto city buses disguised as a parcel of groceries that someone had left behind… I was only caught when Ralph groped my lamb-shank and tried nibbling on my tollhouse cookies…

     5) The Real McCoys: I was cast as Widow Brokoff who had a crush on Grandpappy Amos, but kicked him in the shin when he wouldn’t take me to “the ice cream sociable” as Suzy Snowflake.

     6) The Untouchables: I was cast as mob boss “Francine Nitti”…. The twin sister of Frank, and much more deadly, especially when I riddled a backyard Christmas creche with machine gun fire, blowing holes through two shepherds, a camel, and a little drummer boy.

     7) The Beverly Hillbillies: I was cast as Nancy Culp’s stunt double in a Nativity scene. Jethro ran over me ...with a goat!

     8) The Lone Ranger: I again reappeared as “Big Chief Throws Like a Girl”, but I had given up softball to become the wife of Tonto…. He changed his mind at the altar, and ran away again with the “Masked Avenger”!...... (Jeeesh!)

     9) Leave It To Beaver: I was cast as Eddie Haskell’s mother decorating the Christmas tree with him, but she ends up in an asylum for “Parents Of The Criminally Insane” when Eddie tries plugging her into a frayed extension cord.

   10) The Three Stooges: I was cast as “Floribunda”, the only female stooge…..literally a “Stoogiatrix”… nobody cared.

   11) Gilligan’s Island: I was cast as “Amelia Earhart”……. enough said….

   12) I Dream Of Jeannie: I was cast as Bombazina, a belly-dancer with a raisin in her navel. The Ivory Soap sponsors dropped the show that night.

   13) I Love Lucy: I was cast as Gretel, Ethel’s long lost identical twin visiting for the Holidays…. Fred pushed me down the back stairs, thinking I was Ethel…

   14) Lost In Space: I played Bugreena, the green lady who falls in love with Zachary Smith… “Handsome, pretty handsome Dr. Smith!!”…..need I say that he turned out to be the biggest girl on the set?!?!

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A New Sybil's "WHO'Z DAT?"... JOHN QUALEN (December 8, 1899 - September 12, 1987)

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Darlings! Mummy has made a decision! After reading dozens of posts and having hundreds of conversations with well-meaning folks who just don't know about the great CHARACTER actors who gave films the depth and genius that surrounded and supported the so-called "stars", I am going to post a weekly, special entry called SYBIL'S "WHO'Z DAT??"....there'll be photos and a mini-bio, and the next time you see one of those familiar, fabulous faces that you just "can't quite place".......well, maybe these posts will help. Some of these actors worked more, had longer and broader careers, and ended up happier, more loved, and even wealthier than the "stars" that the public "worships"......I think there may be a metaphor in that! What do you think??? Here's our next guest!! Even though he usually played mid-mannered and even mousy characters, many of you recognize him on sight: JOHN QUALEN  (December 8, 1899 – September 12, 1987)

Born Johan Mandt Kvalen, of Norwegian immigrant parents in Vancouver, British Columbia, Qualen was a Canadian-American character actor who specialized in Scandinavian roles. His father was a Lutheran minister who changed the family's original surname, "Kvalen", to "Qualen" and moved the family to Elgin, Illinois when John was very young. Not much is known of his upbringing, but his acting career began when he won an oratory contest and was given a scholarship to Northwestern University. His interest in acting was piqued there, and he began appearing in tent shows on the Lyceum-Chautauqua circuit, and in stock as a talented musician playing piano, flute and saxophone. Eventually making it to Broadway, he got his big break as the Swedish janitor in Elmer Rice’s Pulitzer Prize winning STREET SCENE (1929).

His movie career began when he recreated the role in the film version produced by Samuel Goldwyn and directed by King Vidor in 1931. This was followed by his appearance in John Ford’s ARROWSMITH (1931) which began a thirty-five year membership in that director's so-called "stock company", with important supporting roles to stars like Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne (with whom he made nine films). Some of those film collaborations include THE SEARCHERS (1956), TWO RODE TOGETHER (1961), THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE (1962) and CHEYENNE AUTUMN (1964). One of his most memorable performances (with a mid-Western accent!) was as the down-and-out farmer Muley who recounts the destruction of his farm by a foreclosing bank in Ford's THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940) starring Henry Fonda. Appearing in well over one hundred films, he showed his versatility by always having a comic side to his dramatic roles, and a pathos to his comic turns. As the befuddled and accidental killer Earl Williams in Howard Hawks’s classic comedy HIS GIRL FRIDAY (1940), he lent a poignant edge to the screwball insanity of the farce starring Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell. Qualen was cast with a pantheon of some of the best character actors of film including Porter Hall, Roscoe Karns, Regis Toomey, Abner Biberman, Cliff Edwards, Ernest Truex, Gene Lockhart, Edwin Maxwell, and Billy Gilbert.

Another of his most memorable and beloved performances was in the iconic CASABLANCA (1942). Directed by Michael Curtiz and starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Conrad Veidt, Claude Rains, and another ensemble of amazing supporting players, Qualen does his brilliant turn as the meek but brave little black-market jeweler Berger in Rick’s Café Américain. Qualen continued to act extensively on television from the 50s and 60s through the 70s. Although plagued in his later years by failing eyesight, he worked steadily into his final years. He was treasurer of The Authors Club and historian of The Masquers, Hollywood's famed social group for actors. He died of heart failure in 1987 in Torrance, California and was interred in the Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale. He was survived by his wife Pearle Larson and three daughters.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... The Broken Railing...

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...and then, just as everyone was having a lovely time, and Miss Grendin ran up to tell the whole party that they would be wining and dining at the Rainbow Room, the flimsy railing at Macy's gave way and everyone; Mr. Dutworthy, Countess Jenxton, Captain Farntbuttle, and Santa himself plummeted down onto the parade-goers. It was only as the ambulances arrived that it was discovered that the man playing Santa was actually the REAL SANTA CLAUS!.... and that he would be paralyzed from the neck down...permanently.

Countess Jenxton, who had only sprained her "cankle", and was known to be an inveterate optimist even in the face of both the San Francisco earthquake (which she survived) and later the Hindenburg (on which she was a passenger!) said simply that, being paralyzed, Santa could now have millions of children sit on him for days at a time with NO discomfort!... and everyone agreed later at dinner at the Rainbow Room that it was nice how things sometimes worked out, wasn't it?... And Santa's nice nurse helped him nod his head and wiped the dribbled mince pie and whipped cream from his chin.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “CHRISTMASES PAST!”… Hilda and Matilda….

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...with the building of the great film studios in the Los Angeles area around 1920, and the new national stardom of the silent film actors, the newly arrived Hollywood community began expressing their imaginations in fascinating ways.

Mrs. Hilda Greshenstein of the Monumental Pictures Studio decided that she would become a new kind of "Mrs. Santa Claus"... who rode her "Ostrich-Chariot" around the Earth three times every Christmas Eve delivering "film treatments and prospective script ideas" to good little child actors and actresses.... She publicized in the newspapers that movie stars should hang silk stockings and pieces of Carter's toddler underwear underneath palm trees in their backyards for her to put candy, fruit, nuts, and fine jewelry in... or the keys to Duesenberg convertibles. It actually caught on for a few Christmases in a row, and the Coca-Cola company dumped its Santa Claus campaign in favor of her Mrs. Santa Claus routine...until December of 1923 when Matilda, Mrs. Greshenstein's pet ostrich suddenly turned on her and pecked out her left eye and bit off several of her fingers...

          The A.S.P.C.A. was called immediately, and the poor bird was carted off to be made into "Aussie Steaks" and some feather dusters! It was discovered however at the last minute that Hilda had been "inappropriately intimate in inter-species activities"... The judge threw the book at her, literally. And Matilda, who was discovered to be quite sweet-natured, was housed quite luxuriously in the Beverly Hills Heavy-Petting Sanctuary. She was given 17 Cartier diamond collars (stackable - $1089.00 each ...retail!), and fed on gourmet heirloom corn and wheat cakes for the rest of her life. Much loved by the local children, she went on to have a nice little film career too, appearing in Our Gang, Laurel & Hardy, and Three Stooges film shorts....and in 1936, she won the famous animal-actor-equivalent to the Oscar, the "Mooey Award", for lifetime achievement. She retired eventually to her huge estate in the Hamptons and created a bird sanctuary for persecuted avians particularly those who had escaped from the Communist witch trials or various suburban Thanksgivings.

Later, Mrs. Greshenstein was released from Bestiality Prison, and opened a poodle-grooming salon as part of her early-release program.... she was forced to wear an electronic-collar though for two years so her parole and obedience officers could keep track of her activities.... However, she DID get permission to "Be-Dazzle" it and replace the dog-tag with her Grandmother's cameo! Ironically, and in a cruel but well-deserved twist of fate, she ended up being the first victim of a motel-owner in Fairvale, California named Norman Bates whose hobby was taxidermy… and whose specialty was birds....

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A CHRISTMAS WARNING!!!..... From the President’s Homeland Security Department!

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Citizens, according to the Federal Department of Domestic Terrorism, we are now at a "Code Hollyberry RED Alert".... various Christmas elves (individually and in groups!) have been spotted ringing people's doorbells, coming down chimneys, and climbing out of toilet bowls to surprise and dismay innocent citizens during this otherwise cheery Holiday season! Although they are genuine and even licensed elves from Santa's workshop, their personal habits and degenerating behavior have thrown them into the orbit of undesirable "Elf Sub-Groups".... Sadly, it has been revealed that no wall could possibly keep them all out! Please look closely at these photos and notify authorities and police persons immediately if you spot any of them. They should be approached with extreme caution and plates of Keebler cookies... According to the CDC, many of them may be rabid or even ill-mannered. Thank you.

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