Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... early television takes on the holidays...

With all this talk of Christmas TV Specials at the Holiday season, did I ever tell you about my early days on TV starting in 1950? I was a guest star on several of those shows until Joe McCarthy and the Red Scare got me blacklisted from show business for wearing a pink bouclé lunch suit to Roy Cohn's birthday party.... and to think that my own series "Bachelorette Alien From Another World" was replaced by "My Favorite Martian"…because Bill Bixby and Ray Walston were Republicans!... (bastards!).

Here are the roles I played on each one of those shows!!......   

     1) Twilight Zone: I played the nice toy store lady that sold the family the jumbo-sized tub of Silly Putty. It magically began to sing a moving rendition of “Oh, Holy Night” after the second commercial break… and then ate them all in the final scene…

     2) Roy Rogers: I played “Big Chief Throws Like a Girl” who won the Cowboys vs. Comanches softball finals in the 9th inning!....in the snow.

     3) Bob Hope Show: I was cast as Bob Hope’s otolaryngologist for three seasons of head colds, until it was decided that his nose was finally “incurable”… and possibly terminal.

     4) The Honeymooners: I was cast as Ralph’s Aunt Cornelia, the “bus fare cheat” who would sneak onto city buses disguised as a parcel of groceries that someone had left behind… I was only caught when Ralph groped my lamb-shank and tried nibbling on my tollhouse cookies…

     5) The Real McCoys: I was cast as Widow Brokoff who had a crush on Grandpappy Amos, but kicked him in the shin when he wouldn’t take me to “the ice cream sociable” as Suzy Snowflake.

     6) The Untouchables: I was cast as mob boss “Francine Nitti”…. The twin sister of Frank, and much more deadly, especially when I riddled a backyard Christmas creche with machine gun fire, blowing holes through two shepherds, a camel, and a little drummer boy.

     7) The Beverly Hillbillies: I was cast as Nancy Culp’s stunt double in a Nativity scene. Jethro ran over me ...with a goat!

     8) The Lone Ranger: I again reappeared as “Big Chief Throws Like a Girl”, but I had given up softball to become the wife of Tonto…. He changed his mind at the altar, and ran away again with the “Masked Avenger”!...... (Jeeesh!)

     9) Leave It To Beaver: I was cast as Eddie Haskell’s mother decorating the Christmas tree with him, but she ends up in an asylum for “Parents Of The Criminally Insane” when Eddie tries plugging her into a frayed extension cord.

   10) The Three Stooges: I was cast as “Floribunda”, the only female stooge…..literally a “Stoogiatrix”… nobody cared.

   11) Gilligan’s Island: I was cast as “Amelia Earhart”……. enough said….

   12) I Dream Of Jeannie: I was cast as Bombazina, a belly-dancer with a raisin in her navel. The Ivory Soap sponsors dropped the show that night.

   13) I Love Lucy: I was cast as Gretel, Ethel’s long lost identical twin visiting for the Holidays…. Fred pushed me down the back stairs, thinking I was Ethel…

   14) Lost In Space: I played Bugreena, the green lady who falls in love with Zachary Smith… “Handsome, pretty handsome Dr. Smith!!”…..need I say that he turned out to be the biggest girl on the set?!?!

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A New Sybil's "WHO'Z DAT?"... JOHN QUALEN (December 8, 1899 - September 12, 1987)

Darlings! Mummy has made a decision! After reading dozens of posts and having hundreds of conversations with well-meaning folks who just don't know about the great CHARACTER actors who gave films the depth and genius that surrounded and supported the so-called "stars", I am going to post a weekly, special entry called SYBIL'S "WHO'Z DAT??"....there'll be photos and a mini-bio, and the next time you see one of those familiar, fabulous faces that you just "can't quite place".......well, maybe these posts will help. Some of these actors worked more, had longer and broader careers, and ended up happier, more loved, and even wealthier than the "stars" that the public "worships"......I think there may be a metaphor in that! What do you think??? Here's our next guest!! Even though he usually played mid-mannered and even mousy characters, many of you recognize him on sight: JOHN QUALEN  (December 8, 1899 – September 12, 1987)

Born Johan Mandt Kvalen, of Norwegian immigrant parents in Vancouver, British Columbia, Qualen was a Canadian-American character actor who specialized in Scandinavian roles. His father was a Lutheran minister who changed the family's original surname, "Kvalen", to "Qualen" and moved the family to Elgin, Illinois when John was very young. Not much is known of his upbringing, but his acting career began when he won an oratory contest and was given a scholarship to Northwestern University. His interest in acting was piqued there, and he began appearing in tent shows on the Lyceum-Chautauqua circuit, and in stock as a talented musician playing piano, flute and saxophone. Eventually making it to Broadway, he got his big break as the Swedish janitor in Elmer Rice’s Pulitzer Prize winning STREET SCENE (1929).

His movie career began when he recreated the role in the film version produced by Samuel Goldwyn and directed by King Vidor in 1931. This was followed by his appearance in John Ford’s ARROWSMITH (1931) which began a thirty-five year membership in that director's so-called "stock company", with important supporting roles to stars like Jimmy Stewart and John Wayne (with whom he made nine films). Some of those film collaborations include THE SEARCHERS (1956), TWO RODE TOGETHER (1961), THE MAN WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE (1962) and CHEYENNE AUTUMN (1964). One of his most memorable performances (with a mid-Western accent!) was as the down-and-out farmer Muley who recounts the destruction of his farm by a foreclosing bank in Ford's THE GRAPES OF WRATH (1940) starring Henry Fonda. Appearing in well over one hundred films, he showed his versatility by always having a comic side to his dramatic roles, and a pathos to his comic turns. As the befuddled and accidental killer Earl Williams in Howard Hawks’s classic comedy HIS GIRL FRIDAY (1940), he lent a poignant edge to the screwball insanity of the farce starring Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell. Qualen was cast with a pantheon of some of the best character actors of film including Porter Hall, Roscoe Karns, Regis Toomey, Abner Biberman, Cliff Edwards, Ernest Truex, Gene Lockhart, Edwin Maxwell, and Billy Gilbert.

Another of his most memorable and beloved performances was in the iconic CASABLANCA (1942). Directed by Michael Curtiz and starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman, Conrad Veidt, Claude Rains, and another ensemble of amazing supporting players, Qualen does his brilliant turn as the meek but brave little black-market jeweler Berger in Rick’s Café Américain. Qualen continued to act extensively on television from the 50s and 60s through the 70s. Although plagued in his later years by failing eyesight, he worked steadily into his final years. He was treasurer of The Authors Club and historian of The Masquers, Hollywood's famed social group for actors. He died of heart failure in 1987 in Torrance, California and was interred in the Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale. He was survived by his wife Pearle Larson and three daughters.

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST!"... The Broken Railing...

...and then, just as everyone was having a lovely time, and Miss Grendin ran up to tell the whole party that they would be wining and dining at the Rainbow Room, the flimsy railing at Macy's gave way and everyone; Mr. Dutworthy, Countess Jenxton, Captain Farntbuttle, and Santa himself plummeted down onto the parade-goers. It was only as the ambulances arrived that it was discovered that the man playing Santa was actually the REAL SANTA CLAUS!.... and that he would be paralyzed from the neck down...permanently.

Countess Jenxton, who had only sprained her "cankle", and was known to be an inveterate optimist even in the face of both the San Francisco earthquake (which she survived) and later the Hindenburg (on which she was a passenger!) said simply that, being paralyzed, Santa could now have millions of children sit on him for days at a time with NO discomfort!... and everyone agreed later at dinner at the Rainbow Room that it was nice how things sometimes worked out, wasn't it?... And Santa's nice nurse helped him nod his head and wiped the dribbled mince pie and whipped cream from his chin.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “CHRISTMASES PAST!”… Hilda and Matilda….

...with the building of the great film studios in the Los Angeles area around 1920, and the new national stardom of the silent film actors, the newly arrived Hollywood community began expressing their imaginations in fascinating ways.

Mrs. Hilda Greshenstein of the Monumental Pictures Studio decided that she would become a new kind of "Mrs. Santa Claus"... who rode her "Ostrich-Chariot" around the Earth three times every Christmas Eve delivering "film treatments and prospective script ideas" to good little child actors and actresses.... She publicized in the newspapers that movie stars should hang silk stockings and pieces of Carter's toddler underwear underneath palm trees in their backyards for her to put candy, fruit, nuts, and fine jewelry in... or the keys to Duesenberg convertibles. It actually caught on for a few Christmases in a row, and the Coca-Cola company dumped its Santa Claus campaign in favor of her Mrs. Santa Claus routine...until December of 1923 when Matilda, Mrs. Greshenstein's pet ostrich suddenly turned on her and pecked out her left eye and bit off several of her fingers...

          The A.S.P.C.A. was called immediately, and the poor bird was carted off to be made into "Aussie Steaks" and some feather dusters! It was discovered however at the last minute that Hilda had been "inappropriately intimate in inter-species activities"... The judge threw the book at her, literally. And Matilda, who was discovered to be quite sweet-natured, was housed quite luxuriously in the Beverly Hills Heavy-Petting Sanctuary. She was given 17 Cartier diamond collars (stackable - $1089.00 each ...retail!), and fed on gourmet heirloom corn and wheat cakes for the rest of her life. Much loved by the local children, she went on to have a nice little film career too, appearing in Our Gang, Laurel & Hardy, and Three Stooges film shorts....and in 1936, she won the famous animal-actor-equivalent to the Oscar, the "Mooey Award", for lifetime achievement. She retired eventually to her huge estate in the Hamptons and created a bird sanctuary for persecuted avians particularly those who had escaped from the Communist witch trials or various suburban Thanksgivings.

Later, Mrs. Greshenstein was released from Bestiality Prison, and opened a poodle-grooming salon as part of her early-release program.... she was forced to wear an electronic-collar though for two years so her parole and obedience officers could keep track of her activities.... However, she DID get permission to "Be-Dazzle" it and replace the dog-tag with her Grandmother's cameo! Ironically, and in a cruel but well-deserved twist of fate, she ended up being the first victim of a motel-owner in Fairvale, California named Norman Bates whose hobby was taxidermy… and whose specialty was birds....

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A CHRISTMAS WARNING!!!..... From the President’s Homeland Security Department!

Citizens, according to the Federal Department of Domestic Terrorism, we are now at a "Code Hollyberry RED Alert".... various Christmas elves (individually and in groups!) have been spotted ringing people's doorbells, coming down chimneys, and climbing out of toilet bowls to surprise and dismay innocent citizens during this otherwise cheery Holiday season! Although they are genuine and even licensed elves from Santa's workshop, their personal habits and degenerating behavior have thrown them into the orbit of undesirable "Elf Sub-Groups".... Sadly, it has been revealed that no wall could possibly keep them all out! Please look closely at these photos and notify authorities and police persons immediately if you spot any of them. They should be approached with extreme caution and plates of Keebler cookies... According to the CDC, many of them may be rabid or even ill-mannered. Thank you.

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Sybil Bruncheon’s “CHRISTMASES PAST!”… Mr. Grangely... at the Donner Pass.

One of the aspects of an American tragedy never spoken of.... During a particularly brutal Winter in the mountains a large group of travelers was trapped without supplies in a remote place. As things became increasingly desperate and as Christmas approached, kindly old Mr. Grangely decided to make things more cheerful for the children and alleviate their fear. He cobbled together a Santa costume from an old shopkeeper's red coat and a discarded mop and taught the children a game. Each of them was given a number to put into the "special basket", and Santa would draw the "magic" number. The winning child would be given a ride with Santa on his "reindeer" on Christmas Eve to give presents to all the children in the world. The settlers and children would wave to Santa and the "chosen" child as they rode off into the snow and the night. Santa would return on Christmas morning with a piping hot dinner for everyone to sit down and enjoy! The year was 1847....and well... we all know how that turned out... (postscript: After the remaining survivors were rescued, Mr. Grangely never lost that haunted look in his eyes, although he did change his name to Monsieur Chou-Chou and became the world-famous sous-chef at Delmonico's. He died many years later at the age of 91. All Paris mourned... and Delmonico's closed for three hours!... during lunchtime!)  

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Sybil Bruncheon's "My Merry Memoirs"... at Macy's...

Have I told you about my adventures with one of my favorite photographers over the years?? Lawrence Hunter was by my side for so many of those planned (and UNplanned!) moments in one's career! Here's one from a Macy's Holiday announcement from a few years ago!

MACY'S CHRISTMAS NEWS FLASH!!!....Hey, folks!!! Macy's apparently has had a board meeting of the top execs and decided that "the whole Santa thing may have run its course" as CEO Myer Saltmeyer said so bluntly on Friday morning. Granted he may have been inspired by their parade-Santa finishing the route in front of the store, jumping off the sleigh-float, running into the Gourmet Dainty Delicacies and Cheery Beverages Department and downing two bottles of Drambuie in 20 minutes flat! He then ran to Ladies Intimates & Naughties and stripped down to a pair of SnowFlake Pasties and a Sprig 'o' Holly G-String and did the man-mambo in front of four nuns shopping for roller blades. Mr. Saltmeyer called my agent who called me and presented their project:... A new Christmas character named, are you ready?... "ELFIE-Ba".... a mischievous little creature who listens to the Christmas wishes of children around the world and gives them lessons in etiquette, penmanship, mattress trampoline, fine dining and appropriate utensil usage, and moisturizing.

I think we're still going to be tweaking the basic concept and making adjustments! I'm not sure about the costume (though it IS jolly!), nor the decision to have the children line up on Macy's 6th floor at ELFIE-Ba's "pied-à-terre" (named "GAY Gardens"!) and sit beside her on a Louis XV chaise while servants prepare tea..."Earl Grey or Hu Kwa?" and croissants filled with Nutella... What do you think??

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Sybil's "My Merry Memoirs"... with the Oompa-Loompas...

Have I told you about my adventures with one of my favorite photographers over the years?? Lawrence Hunter was by my side for so many of those planned (and UNplanned!) moments in one's career!

Here's one for all the Willy Wonka fans!!.... did you know that the Moomin House in Naantali is where the Oompa Loompas ended up after the Chocolate Factory was destroyed by Allied bombing...?? Well, it was... and I happened to have been doing a USO show nearby!...and the rest? ...well, is history! By the way, the Oompa-Loompas treated me much as the Munchkins treated Judy Garland.... (lots of dirty limericks, re-enactments of French postcards, pinches on the bottom, and offers of cheap cigars! You can tell by the expression on my face in Lawrence's photo, can't you?! JEEEESH!).

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Sybil's "My Merry Memoirs"... with Dr. Seuss...

Have I told you about my adventures with one of my favorite photographers over the years?? Lawrence Hunter was by my side for so many of those planned (and UNplanned!) moments in one's career! Here's one from a Christmas television special... that almost was!!!......

Theodor Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss) and I had known each other for years and traveled in the same circles in New York during the 40s and 50s. It was in that vein that, as television became bigger and bigger an entertainment medium, he suggested that I play a new character he came up with in the Christmas of 1956, "Mrs. Finch", a charming and slightly mischievous creature who would bring toys and treats for underprivileged children on Christmas eve in a flying saucer!!... from the planet Uranus!!! The concept ingeniously incorporated charity to the poor, social awareness, interplanetary brotherhood, and the birth of the space industry in the newly created NASA. Sadly, our sponsors at Nabisco felt that any mention of "Uranus" was ..."unappetizing for a brand of breakfast cereals and cookies", as Cuthbert Cubbins, the chairman of the board described it. This, despite the fact that the Nabisco logo had always reminded people of a flying saucer...and that "Nabisco" did NOT in fact mean "National Biscuit Company", but was an anagram for “Bascion”, a Gaelic word from the Renaissance that loosely translated to “ baked goods from other worlds” (the Irish always had a fanciful sense of so-called wee-people and the color green). Anyway, Theodor and I lost the argument, and the project was ..um... shall we say, re-imagined in a more conventionally acceptable way… although, the story became more of  a diatribe against J. Edgar Hoover, Roy Cohn, Joseph McCarthy, and the neo-fascistic metaphor of the Jolly Green Giant… but that’s a story for another time!

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Sybil Bruncheon's "CHRISTMASES PAST!": Queen Elizabeth's Christmas Address in 1953...

….."Hello, my dear subjects! At this festive time of year, I am pleased to be speaking to you at my first Christmas as your Queen. Just last night, I was brought to a lovely re-enactment of the Nativity at a charming church in Havelock-on-Bunbury. At the end of the little play-lette, I walked up to the stage, and remember so well both the sweetness of that little baby and my SHOCK when I realized that it was being raised in a stable!!… A STABLE!... Can you imagine?! And in a MANGER!!!... with grass clippings! That had been on the GROUND!... and I SAID SO to his parents! Who were dressed very poorly, in what looked like bathrobes! And with no attractive accessories!‎... And WHY were there FARM animals milling about in there?? They are not hygienic!!!... all this milling and lowing!!!!, and NO SANITATION!... And at least have the sense to have EXOTIC animals around the child to stimulate his imagination!! Peacocks, and leopards, and… and....um...oh! A Gryphon!....and, oh what was that animal I shot in Kenya, Phillip??? Oh Yes!!!! A HYRAX!!!!... or was it an Ibex?....whatever! And what is that incessant DRUMMING?!?... have one of my ladies escort that dirty little boy OUT at once! Now Go! GO!!….."

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